WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE'S THE THING, SLIGHT LITTLE
PREAMBLE HERE -- THERE'S A BIG STORY TODAY ABOUT
FACEBOOK, AND BEFORE I TALK ABOUT IT, FULL DISCLOSURE.
I'VE NEVER HAD A FACEBOOK PAGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T GO ON FACEBOOK.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND FACEBOOK.
I ONLY GO THERE WHEN SOMEONE POSTS A LINK THAT TAKES ME TO A
SCREEN THAT SAYS TO VIEW THIS LINK, I HAVE TO JOIN FACEBOOK.
( LAUGHTER ) I WILL NEVER DO THAT, SO I
DON'T.
BUT EVEN I KNOW THIS IS BIG NEWS.
BECAUSE FACEBOOK IS CHANGING ITS NAME TO "META."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT'S RIGHT, META.
AS IN YOUR AUNT GLORIA SAYING I 'META' GUY ON FACEBOOK WHO SAYS
THE VACCINE MADE HIS BALLS MAGNETIC.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUE STORY, BY THE WAY.
THAT HAPPENED TO A GUY I KNOW.
YEAH.
HE'S A HUMAN COMPASS NOW.
NEVER GETS LOST.
( LAUGHTER ) ALONG WITH THE NEW NAME, THEY
HAVE A NEW LOGO: AND OF COURSE, SINCE THIS IS THE
INTERNET, IN LESS THAN A MINUTE, SOMEBODY DREW A PENIS ON IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S NOT US!
WE DIDN'T DO THAT.
THAT'S NEWS.
ARE THEY GOING TO BLUR THAT?
WHY?
IT'S JUST A BLUE ORIGIN ROCKET.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN, OF COURSE, THEY PUT A
DICK NEXT TO IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE NAME IS MEANT TO REFLECT THE
COMPANY'S NEW FOCUS ON NEW, ONLINE DIGITAL REALM KNOWN
AS THE METAVERSE.
GREAT.
SO WE'VE REACHED THE PART OF THE MOVIE WHERE THE CORPORATION
CREATES THEIR OWN VIRTUAL WORLD.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE SKIP THE WHOLE ROBOT UPRISING TO HARVEST
OUR ORGANS AND JUST JUMP STRAIGHT INTO THE THUNDERDOME?
BECAUSE THAT -- THAT'S A FUTURE I CAN LIVE WITH.
THE COMPANY SAYS THE NAME FACEBOOK IS NOT GOING AWAY, BUT
FROM NOW ON, WE ARE GOING TO BE METAVERSE FIRST, NOT FACEBOOK
FIRST.
BUT DON'T WORRY - THE SELF ESTEEM OF TEENAGE GIRLS
WILL ALWAYS BE LAST.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE ANNOUNCEMENT CAME IN A VIDEO BY FACEBOOK'S CHIEF HUMANOID
SIMULATION, MARK ZUCKERBERG.
WHO ADDRESSED SOME OF THE RECENT CONTROVERSY THE COMPANY HAS GONE
THROUGH.
>> WITH ALL THE SCRUTINY AND PUBLIC DEBATE, SOME OF YOU MIGHT
BE WONDERING WHY WE'RE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW.
THE ANSWER IS THAT I BELIEVE WE'RE PUT ON THE EARTH TO
CREATE.
I BELIEVE THAT TECHNOLOGY CAN MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER.
WE LIVE FOR WHAT WE'RE BUILDING AND WHILE WE MAKE MISTAKES, WE
KEEP LEARNING AND BUILDING AND MOVING FORWARD.
>> STEPHEN: (AS ZUCKERBERG) WE WILL KEEP BUILDING, AND
MOVING, AND MAKING BIGGER AND BETTER MISTAKES.
NO POINT IN LOOKING BACK AT WHAT ANYONE DID OR SAID OR COVERED UP
OR SHREDDED AND DUMPED INTO THE RIVER.
RIVER?
WHAT RIVER?
BUILDING AND LEARNING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ZUCK DESCRIBED THE COMPANY'S NEW
PROJECT.
>> WHEN YOU'RE IN A MEETING IN THE METAVERSE, IT WILL FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE RIGHT IN THE ROOM TOGETHER, MAKING EYE CONTACT,
HAVING A SHARED SENSE OF SPACE, AND NOT JUST LOOKING AT A GRID
OF FACES.
>> STEPHEN: (AS ZUCKERBERG) AND I ENJOY MAKING EYE CONTACT,
BECAUSE IT IS SOMETHING THAT WE, AS HUMANS, DO IN ORDER TO FEEL
CONNECTIONS ON AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL, A LEVEL I DEFINITELY
HAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) THEN ZUCK MARKERBERG SHOWED OFF
EVERYTHING THAT COULD BE POSSIBLE IN A METAVERSE.
>> IT HAS AN INCREDIBLY INSPIRING VIEW OF WHATEVER YOU
FIND MOST BEAUTIFUL.
>> HEY ARE YOU COMING?
>> YEAH, JUST GOTTA FIND SOMETHING TO WEAR
( SOFT MUSIC ) ALL RIGHT, PERFECT.
>> STEPHEN: SO YOU HAD THE OPTION OF BEING ANYTHING IN THE
WORLD, AND YOU CHOSE TO LOOK LIKE MARK ZUCKERBERG WEARING
EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE ALREADY WEARING?
THAT'S LIKE FINDING A GENIE AND WISHING YOU HADN'T.
ZUCK ALSO TOOK SOME TIME TO HAVE FUN WITH THE STAFF.
>> YOU KNOW BOZ, I ALWAYS REALLY WANTED A FOREST IN MY LIVING
ROOM.
>> DID YOU?
>> NOT REALLY.
(LAUGHS) >> STEPHEN: (FORCED LAUGH LIKE
GUY IN VIDEO) GREAT ONE, MR ZUCKERBERG.
I HOPE YOU REMEMBER THESE GOOD TIMES WHEN YOU CHOOSE WHICH
EMPLOYEES TO HUNT FOR SPORT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THE BEST PART ABOUT THIS
WHOLE VIDEO, WITHOUT A DOUBT, WAS A FRIENDLY FACE I SPOTTED
HALFWAY THROUGH: IMAGINE YOUR BEST FRIEND IS AT A
CONCERT SOMEWHERE ACROSS THE WORLD.
WHAT IF YOU COULD BE THERE WITH HER?
♪♪ ♪♪
>> YO.
>> YOU'RE HERE (JON SINGING)
>> TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
BUT WAIT!
I'M ON STAGE WITH JON, AND AM I IN THE METAVERSE EVERY NIGHT?
LET ME CHANGE INTO A BLACK PANTS AND T-SHIRT... NOPE.
SPEAKING OF A THEORETICAL FANTASY WORLD WHERE THINGS MIGHT
HAPPEN: CONGRESS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TODAY, AFTER MONTHS OF TENSE NEGOTIATIONS, THE WHITE HOUSE
UNVEIL IT'S NEW $1.75 TRILLION PACKAGE TO OVERHAUL THE
COUNTRY'S HEALTHCARE, EDUCATION, CLIMATE AND TAX LAWS -
SPECIFICALLY MINE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS
BULL ( BLEEP ) ANYMORE!
DO IT OR DON'T DO IT.
I'M OUT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) A $1.75 TRILLION, IT'S HALF THE
SIZE OF BIDEN'S ORIGINAL PLAN BUT STILL ONE OF THE LARGEST,
MOST PROGRESSIVE PIECES OF CONGRATULATION IN MY LIFETIME.
AS WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF RON KLAIN KLAINSPLAINED
>> IT'S TWICE AS BIG, IN REAL DOLLARS, AS THE NEW DEAL WAS.
>> STEPHEN: SUCK IT F.D.R.
SUCK IT THROUGH A LONG CIGARETTE HOLDER.
( LAUGHTER ) THE PLAN FEATURES SUBSIDIES FOR
CHILD CARE AND UNIVERSAL PRESCHOOL FOR MORE THAN
6 MILLION 3 AND 4-YEAR OLDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TO WHICH PARENTS EVERYWHERE
REPLIED, BUT WHAT ABOUT 2 YEAR OLDS WHO COULD PASS FOR 3?
PLEASE.
I CAN'T WATCH ANY MORE PEPPA PIG.
MY TODDLER HAS ADOPTED AN ENGLISH ACCENT, AND WON'T LET ME
EAT BACON.
( LAUGHTER ) THE LARGEST SINGLE ITEM IN THE
BILL, AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN IT, IS THAT CONGRESS IS
FINALLY TAKING A BIG SWING AT GLOBAL WARMING.
AS JOE BIDEN EXPLAINED: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DON'T DO THAT.
NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.
AS PRESIDENT BIDEN EXPLAINED -- >> THIS FRAMEWORK ALSO MAKES THE
MOST SIGNIFICANT INVESTMENT TO DEAL WITH THE CLIMATE CRISIS
EVER, EVER HAPPENED.
BEYOND ANY OTHER ADVANCED NATION IN THE WORLD, OVER A BILLION
METRIC TONS OF EMISSION REDUCTIONS, AT LEAST TEN TIMES
BIGGER ON CLIMATE THAN ANY BILL THAT HAS EVER PASSED BEFORE AND
ENOUGH TO POSITION US FOR A 50-52% EMISSION REDUCTIONS BY
2030.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THIS IS SO
IMPORTANT.
THIS IS SO IMPORTANT.
BIDEN IS TRYING TO PROTECTING THE PLANET NOT JUST
FOR HIS CHILDREN, BUT FOR HIS CHILDREN'S CHILDREN -- WHO ARE
45 YEARS OLD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: MAN, COME ON...
>> Stephen: THEN AGAIN, SOME PARTS OF
THE BUILD BACK BETTER PLAN HAVE BEEN CUT BACK WORSER.
FOR INSTANCE, THE PLAN NO LONGER PROMISES FREE COMMUNITY COLLEGE
OR PAID FAMILY LEAVE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) BUT DON'T WORRY, MOMS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO INTO WORK WHILE YOU'RE IN LABOR.
JUST ZOOM IN FROM THE BIRTHING ROOM.
GINNY, IS THERE ANYWAY YOUR DOULA COULD MUTE YOU DURING YOUR
CONTRACTIONS?
THE BUILD BACK BETTER BILL WASN'T THE ONLY BIG PRIORITY ON
CAPITOL HILL.
THERE WAS ALSO THE CONGRESSIONAL HALLOWEEN DOG PARADE THAT WAS
DESCRIBED AS...
BIPAWTISAN.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) NO, NO, BAD, LAWMAKERS!
NO SILLY PUNS UNTIL YOU FETCH ME MY
INFRASTRUCTURE.
BELIEVE I -- LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TOGETHER
WEREN'T THE ONLY ONES IN CONGRESS PLAYING DRESS-UP.
SO DID UTAH SENATOR AND MAN STARTING TO REALIZE WHAT THAT
BOOKSHOP MEANS BY ADULT, MITT ROMNEY.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS MORNING, ROMNEY POSTED A
VIDEO OF HIS NEW HALLOWEEN COSTUME:
TED LASSO, WITH THE CAPTION: IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND
HEARTS-YOU CAN'T LOSE.
UNLESS YOU'RE RUNNING AGAINST BARACK OBAMA.
THEN YOU GET ABSOLUTELY SPANKED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A LONG TIME AGO.
IT WAS NINE YEARS AGO, BUT STILL NOW, FANS OF TELEVISION MIGHT
REALIZE THAT HE'S ACTUALLY PARAPHRASING A QUOTE FROM COACH
TAYLOR ON FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS.
REMINDS ME OF THE TIME ROMNEY DRESSED UP AS LUKE SKYWALKER,
TWEETING, YOU'RE A WIZARD, HENRY ( LAUGHTER )
TERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS ON THE PANDEMIC FRONT.
RESEARCHERS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT A CHEAP ANTIDEPRESSANT LOWERS
THE RISK OF COVID HOSPITALIZATION.
IT'S THE DRUG FLUVOXAMINE, SOLD UNDER THE BRAND NAME LUVOX.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE PAUL BUNYAN THEMED PORNO:
LUV OX.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
REALLY?
SOME PEOPLE HAVE SEEN IT.
MM-HMM.
ON YOUR HOTEL BILL, JUST SAYS ENTERTAINMENT PARTNERS.
( LAUGHTER ) A TEN-DAY COURSE OF
FLUVOXAMINE COSTS ONLY $4, BUT SALES HAVEN'T REALLY SPIKED LIKE
HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE OR IVERMECTIN.
AS ONE EXPERT EXPLAINED IT HASN'T REALLY GOTTEN ANY CULT
FOLLOWING.
BECAUSE IT WORKS.
( APPLAUSE ) IF THEY WANT TO SELL THIS TO THE
ANTI-VAX CROWD, THEY'LL HAVE TO RENAME IT:
DR HORSEY'S MICROCHIP-RESISTANT, BALL SHRINKING ANTI 5G
SUPPOSITORIES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JOHN LEGUIZAMO, AND THE STAR OF "LAST NIGHT IN
SOHO," THOMASIN MCKENZIE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪