-Our next guest can be seen
at the Denver Comedy Works South
February 10th through the 12th.
Please welcome the very funny Matthew Broussard.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Thank you very much. Thank you so much.
Appreciate that.
Thank you. Thank you.
Y'all doing good?
[ Cheers and applause ] Awesome. I'm doing great.
My girlfriend and I just celebrated five years together.
Five years. Thank you very much.
Yes, we're fighting less now.
We did two things.
We learned each other's love languages.
I recommend that. There's five of them.
They're gifts, words, service, time, and affection.
My love language is words.
Her love language is gifts, words, service,
time, and affection.
Yahtzee. Yes.
We also got a cat. He is the love our life.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yes. His name is Password.
My girlfriend works in cybersecurity,
and the most commonly used password is your pet's name,
and I didn't feel like changing mine, so Password -- it stays.
[ Laughter ] Thank you.
She has a great job, my girlfriend. She works in tech.
I made a mistake recently. I looked at her tax documents.
I learned she makes four times what I do.
So I am a feminist, yes. That's what that makes me.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. People are like, "What kind of feminist are you?
Intersectional? Third wave?"
I'm like, "Indentured? I don't know."
I'm fighting for my maternity leave. You understand?
I'm not trying to rely on her financially,
but in case of emergency, break the glass ceiling.
That's my bumper sticker that I put on my laptop
because I don't own a car.
And it's a weird feeling.
I've always struggled to find a balance
between being a good boyfriend and my job,
and now being a good boyfriend is my job.
I'm only here because she approved my PTO.
I'm on call right now.
And I love comedy.
I mean, "Tonight Show" is a dream come true.
But because of her income,
this is just a cute hobby.
That's all this is.
Everything I'm doing could be summed up
by her at a dinner party being like,
"Honey, honey, come show them your little trick.
Come on. Do one of your little skits.
Isn't that precious?"
It's changed my motivations.
I used to work out for fitness. Now I work out for job security.
I got to keep this ass tight.
If I get shredded, so does the prenup.
That's my thinspo.
[ Cheers and applause ]
She has not figured out how much power she now has over me.
She asked me recently, "Would you ever leave me?"
And I said, "It would have to be a competitive offer.
I'm not jumping ship for nothing."
Not trying to be some entry level F-boy
freelancing with no health insurance.
[ Laughter ]
She wasn't making a lot of money when we first started dating.
At that point, she was a professional athlete.
I was not. I'm not very good at sports.
I know I look like I played lacrosse for Slytherin.
But I'm not a coordinated person.
She was a swimmer, and we had kind of a rocky start.
Two months after we started dating,
she went to the U.S. Olympic trials.
She was a top contender to make the Olympic team,
and she didn't.
And it is very painful when a person
works their whole life at one goal and misses,
and you've only been dating that person for two months.
That was a lot for me to deal with on our seventh date.
What do you say to that?
Be like, "Hey, sorry you failed at your dreams.
Also what's your middle name?
Mine's Lawrence. Isn't that embarrassing?"
"Do you have any food allergies?
Do you believe in God? Anymore?"
[ Laughter ]
Thank you.
Also, I thought she was going to make the team,
which means she would go to the Olympics,
but she would also go to the Olympic village,
which is famously debaucherous.
It's all of the best athletes in the world
partying, drinking, romance.
And my brother asked me, "What if she cheats on you?"
And I said, "Well, then she better get pregnant,
because whatever she pops out,
I will raise like my flesh and blood.
I will be the proudest dad at field day."
Like, "That's my son!"
And people are like, "Looks a lot like Usain Bolt."
I'm like, "Yeah. Yeah.
People said that about me at that age. They did."
[ Laughter ]
Thank you.
Here's the twist.
I've been doing comedy for ten years.
I've been dating her for five years.
One year ago, she started doing comedy, as well.
Which means she watched me do this for four years
and was like, "Seems easy enough. Alright.
If this clown can do it, scoot over."
I always wanted my work to be inspiring
but not in a "Rudy" kind of way.
And she was very secretive about it.
She wouldn't let me watch,
and then we got booked on a show together.
And I was a little nervous for her,
and I got to see her perform, and it was awesome.
Because she's good. She's really good.
But she's also not as good as me, which --
Whew! Thank God!
Strong act, but don't quit our day job.
Someone has to pay 3/4ths of the rent around here.
Hey, thank you so much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Ah! Fantastic. Come on.
Matthew Broussard! Matthew Broussard.
He'll be at the Denver Comedy Works South
February 10th through the 12th.