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Chad: That's the number 2, 3 and me dot com slash death battle.
Again that's 23andme.com/deathbattle
(Cues: Wiz & Boomstick - Brandon Yates)
Wiz: Whether it be to save the world or to benefit themselves.
Every warrior has a different reason for fighting.
Boomstick: But when they're also a kick-ass celebrity.
All that matters is they bring the hype.
Wiz: Johnny Cage, the stuntman turned legendary hero of Mortal Kombat.
Boomstick: And Captain Falcon, the racer turned bounty hunter on the track of F-Zero.
He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who will win...
A DEATH BATTLE!
Mortal Kombat is a deadly tournament dictated by the Elder Gods to decide the fate of entire worlds.
Its contestants only include the best of the best.
Whether you're a four armed beast intent on conquest.
A ninja assassin seeking vengeance.
Boomstick: Or a washed-up Hollywood movie star lookin' for your next big break.
Wiz: Johnny Cage was a global phenomenon known for his over-the-top and dumbest hell action flicks.
Boomstick: You're dumb as hell his movies are awesome.
We got "Ninja Mime", "Citizen Cage", "Brokenose Mountain" and my personal favorite: "Tommy Scissor Fist".
Oh.
It's the only movie that ever really made me cry.
Wiz: But as with most celebrities Cage's fame eventually cracked.
Audiences lost interest in his stunts and critics claimed he was a fraud.
Boomstick: Which is bullshit.
So to prove himself Johnny naturally decided the best idea would be to join the deadliest martial arts tournament ever.
What better way to stick it to him and show him you're the real deal than to save the Earth from an alien takeover.
Wiz: I guess Cage didn't really know what he was getting into.
Luckily he's no ordinary stuntman.
Johnny Cage: Fans think my moves are all wire work and special effects...
I am the Special Effects!
Boomstick: This guy's trained all across the world.
He's mastered four different martial arts includin' Bruce Lee's real life Jeet Kune Do.
He's got nunchucks, brass knuckles and his wicked cool bowie knife.
Wiz: So when it came time to save the world Cage could certainly hold his own against the greatest martial artists in the universe.
Boomstick: Good thing too.
The lightnin' god Raiden really needed some help 'cause the Outworld warlord Shao Kahn was just one tourney went away from takin' over Earth.
Okay seriously, why does everyone always target Earth?
I live here it's not that great.
Wiz: Against the forces of evil Cage discovered he was more adept at this sort of thing than even he expected.
He possesses a mystical power passed down through generations.
Originally stemming from a Mediterranean war cult which bred and trained combatants to fight among the gods.
Boomstick: Uh...
Sure.
That's not random at all.
Wiz: This power manifests not just as a shield against divine forces.
But also as a mythical energy Cage can weaponize.
Boomstick: He can fire Shadow Bulk energy balls.
Punch you to pieces with a Shadow Uppercut do a Guile impression with the Eclipse Kick.
And knock the shit out of you with his patented Shadow Kick.
Wiz: But even with these powers Cage is still a mortal man.
Whenever he found himself in trouble.
He needed a go-to technique to get out of it.
Boomstick: Oh and he came up with the absolute perfect move.
It's the Nutcracker, the Berry Buster, the Infertilizer, the Beanbag Barrage, the "Not that kind of blow" Blow, and my personal favorite, the "Help, Doctor! I think they're in my ribcage!" Special!
Wiz: That's horrificly disturbing.
Boomstick: It's inspiring that's what.
He's strong enough to rip your whole body apart and send your "Johnson" flyin' enough to another country.
FATALITY!
OH GOD, WHAT THE HELL!?
Wiz: This isn't my first rodeo.
Despite Cage's crude and downright juvenile behavior he proved worthy enough to be a champion of Earthrealm.
Boomstick: The dude's strong enough to chop through a human head, a chunk of titanium and even diamond.
Wiz: Applying the density of diamond crushing some of this size would require nearly 50,000,000 joules of energy.
Boomstick: That's like gettin' hit by 26 monster trucks at the same time.
Wiz: Cage's quick enough to dodge point blank automatic gunfire and tough enough to power through Sub-Zero's Ice Blast.
Which stops or even kills most people instantly.
Boomstick: He's breakin' those chumps apart like they're made of glass.
Johnny even beat the shins off of Shinnok who's a freakin' god.
Wiz: Thanks to his ancestral powers which seems specifically tailor for this exact purpose which is pretty remarkable.
Boomstick: Shinnok's full power is a bit tricky to lock down.
But he's pretty similar to Raiden.
Who fired a blast that obliterated this huge temple along with its enemies.
So it's definitely desperate max power move.
Wiz: As Buddhist temples typically avoided the use of stone and construction.
We took the typical composition of wood and concrete into a count while measuring the structure.
To determine this blast must equal nearly 270 tons of TNT.
More than enough to level an entire city block.
Boomstick: Damn!
Who cares if Johnny's a pain in the ass when he can compete with power like that.
Wiz: Well he wouldn't be a pain forever.
Cage eventually found happiness with a family.
Including a daughter just as skilled as he is.
He even earned new success in his film career with a series based on his adventures.
Boomstick: But he never got tired of defendin' Earthrealm from the forces of ugly.
God bless that beautiful man.
Johnny Cage: Those were $500 sunglasses asshole!
Boomstick: It's the year 2560.
And the world's gone crazy.
Aliens are everywhere we're travelin' through space.
And best of all: There's a brand new sport in town.
An intense mix of high-speed racing with anti-gravity techno whatsits.
This is F-Zero.
So much better than Nascar.
Wiz: You seem pretty chipper.
Boomstick: Well yeah.
F-Zero it's freakin' awesome.
Why don't we have this in real life yet?
Wiz: Probably because it's extraordinarily dangerous.
On the F-Zero Grand Prix one wrong turn can end your life.
Boomstick: Yeah what's your problem?
The ones that survive are the best of the best.
Includin' the champ himself: Captain Falcon.
Wiz: To most of the world Falcon is a legendary racer at household name but that's about it.
Otherwise he's a mystery.
Boomstick: Like Batman.
Wiz: Sort of.
Off the track Captain Falcon is actually an accomplished bounty hunter.
Dedicated to a mission of saving the universe from the vile forces of Black Shadow.
Boomstick: It's that like a heavy metal band or somethin'?
Wiz: No.
Boomstick: Well then dibs.
Wiz: Black Shadow is a cold blooded king of crime.
Determined to bend the universe to his will.
Boomstick: He's also got horrible taste in style.
How often do you think that thing gets caught on door frames?
Wiz: Truly the most evil of evils.
Boomstick: To take on Black Shadow; Falcon's a goddamn badass.
He's super tough and super skilled in martial arts.
Best of all he's got a bunch of fiery super moves.
The speedy Falcon Kick, the unpredictable Raptor Boost and Falcon Dive.
Where he humps people so hard they explode.
Wiz: What?
Boomstick: Just call it like I see it Wiz.
Wiz: Either way as impressive as these techniques are they pale in comparison to his greatest and most famous.
Captain Falcon: FALCON...
PUNCH!
Show me your moves!
Boomstick: He literally punches people so hard, they explode in bird-shaped fire.
Which is awesome!
But how?
Wiz: Well as evident from his other techniques he's not moving so fast as he's igniting the air or anything like that.
Rather Falcon's seems to possess some limited form of pyrokinesis.
And we'll the reason for this it's never been specifically explained.
The answer may lie within his sleek F-Zero Machine: the Blue Falcon.
Boomstick: Aw yeah this baby uses magnetic and G-Diffuser tech to rocket over 1,500 kilometers per hour.
That's more than 30 times faster than a Bugatti Chiron Sport the fastest car in the world.
Wiz: But when he wants to push the Blue Falcon even further he taps into his hidden Reactor Might.
Boomstick: You might be askin' "What's a Reactor Might?" Oh y'know nothin' much just a magic piece of the Big Bang that birthed all of existence.
Wiz: You think they're better uses for a fragment of creaton that powering a race car.
Boomstick: No I don't Wiz.
Have you seen what this thing can do?
With the power of the Reactor Might the Blue Falcon can go Beyblade with a move called: Boost Fire.
Check it out.
Captain Falcon: Boost Fire!
Boomstick: The Blue Falcon becomes a deadly energy buzzsaw spinnin' so fast that it increases speed and can even fly.
Wiz: A Reactor Might it's bonded with his owner and can even call upon from a great distance away.
Therefore Falcon can summon his vehicle to his side at any moment.
Boomstick: Reactor Might is bottled up a ton of raw power put a few together you can rip holes through dimensions.
This one by itself went haywire and blew up this space station in one blast.
Wiz: Based on this space station's size and ensuing blast radius.
This explosion must've held a yield over 6 megatons of TNT.
Often times Reactor Might also grant their owners a variety of superhuman powers.
Some even bordering on unexplainable magic's.
While it's technically unconfirmed perhaps the Reactor Might under the Blue Falcon's hood it's the source of the Captain's curious pyrotechnics.
Boomstick: Who cares?
He can punch a giant bird fire falcon of burnin' death and that's all it matters.
Like when he finally beat Black Shadow once and for all.
Did he just explode the galaxy?
Hell yeah!
Wiz: Well don't get the wrong idea.
This blast of light actually originates from the exploding dark matter reactor.
Which has the power to rewind the Big Bang using all six Reactor Mights...
It's a long story.
Boomstick: Oh that's way less epic.
Still even beaten up Black Shadow is super impressive.
This guy could tank hits from a hulked out super alien no problem.
Wiz: Falcon's quick enough to take out multiple enemy robots in the blink of an eye.
A feat which would require moving faster than sound.
He can spot a sniper from several miles away and even survive an exploding rocket.
His exact clone took multiple blows from specialized military personnel with no effect whatsoever.
Boomstick: And as a bonus: Falcon carries dynamite poweful enough to blow this giant weather machine.
That's like a hundred sticks of dynamite in one.
Where do I get me some of that?
And whoa wait a minute that guy survived?
Wiz: Well Captain Falcon did accomplised his mission and rid of the universe of Black Shadow's tyranny.
It took more than one man to do it.
Boomstick: Ugh great here comes the power of teamwork bullshit.
Wiz: No, no, no I mean Falcon it's literally more than one man.
Boomstick: Go on.
Wiz: The name "Captain Falcon" it's actually a title passed through generations.
To date at least 3 people have claimed the monarche: Douglas Jay, Andy Summers and Ryu Suzaku.
Each new inheritor is chosen by the current Falcon who seeks a worthy hero who can surpass him in skill and ability.
So technically the latest to take the title Ryu should be capable of anything the others can do and more.
Boomstick: New life goal unlock!
Wiz I'm puttin' my two weeks notice.
Wiz: While the man behind the mask may fall Captain Falcon will always ride on.
Defending the galaxy one raceway at a time.
Captain Falcon: FALCON PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wiz: All right the combatants are set.
And we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: But first let me tell you how to make your computer more anonymous than Captain Falcon with ExpressVPN.
Wiz: While researching characters and exploring the far corners of the Internet my own privacy is extremely important to me.
Luckily ExpressVPN is here to help.
Boomstick: ExpressVPN keeps your identities safe while you're on the web.
So none of those pesky internet ninja hackers can steal from you and while not everybody is diggin' through internet archives like us ExpressVPN is perfect for gamers.
Wiz: Right with shorter connection routes between you and gaming servers.
ExpressVPN can reduce ping times and overall lag and here's a little secret: You can use a VPN to play with friends worldwide who are restricted to IP addresses from a certain country.
Boomstick: I didn't even know that was a thing.
ExpressVPN is consistently faster than other VPN providers which is why it's the best choice for gamers.
It's got apps for every device you can think of.
And you can connect to it with just one click.
Easy.
Wiz: Give it a try for yourself ExpressVPN is less than seven dollars a month with a 30-day money-back guarantee.
Take back your internet privacy today and get three months free by going to expressvpn.com/battle or just click the link listed below.
Boomstick: But right now, IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Johnny Cage: You recording?
Yeah?
Ok.
We're at the F-Zero Grand Prix, snagging some clips for my latest flick!
That guy there?
That's who I'll be playing!
Yeah, you're looking at the next Captain Falcon!
It's gonna be a pretty sweet gig for--
Captain Falcon: Hey!
Did you say YOU'RE the next Falcon?
Johnny Cage: Uhh, yeah?
Captain Falcon: Only one who can surpass Falcon can become Falcon!
Show me your moves!
Johnny Cage: You wanna go?
Let's dance!
Captain Falcon: Falcon Kick!
Yes!
FALCON...
PUNCH!!!
You--
Who the--?
Johnny Cage: You know what they say: "All fair in show business".
Captain Falcon: Nobody says that.
Johnny Cage: Whoopsie!
You sport types really take auditions seriously.
So cool.
Am I good enough for you now?
Captain Falcon: Come on!
Boost Fire!
Johnny Cage: (screams)
Captain Falcon: FALCON...
PUUUUUUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only one can be worthy.
Announcer: KO
Boomstick: Yes.
(Bleep) Yes.
Oh that was awesome.
Wiz: Ok just chill for a minute.
Johnny Cage certainly held his own against Falcon with superior martial arts ability and matching mach speeds.
Boomstick: But Captain Falcon wasn't a pushover and had plenty of experience with tricky opponents.
Most of all he had way more power on his side.
Wiz: Let's compare some of Johnny's best feats to Falcon's.
Specifically crushing diamond and the Falcon Punch.
Boomstick: Yeah when he hit that tough son of a bitch Black Shadow.
Wiz: By measuring the area of effect and comparing that space to the heights of Captain Falcon and Black Shadow we've found the electricity covered an area about 300 cubic meters.
Accounting for empty space the amount of electricity needed to fill this area must equal at least 151 billion joules of energy.
Boomstick: That's the same as droppin' 12 elephants on old horn head here and over 3,000 times stronger than Johnny's diamond smash.
Wiz: Captain Falcon was tougher too.
He survived the blast of a rocket launcher but he even more notably he fair better against Black Shadow than Zoda did.
Boomstick: You know that hulked out alien guy who survived the explodin' weather machine when he wasn't all hulky.
Wiz: So we can reasonably skilled Falcon to Zoda at least as far those sorts of physical feats are concerned.
Boomstick: Look at that explosion.
Based on its size it's worth around 100 tons of TNT.
Wiz: And while Cage's war cult powers let him survived battling Shinnok who's power rivals Raiden 270 tons of TNT blast.
Recall the ancestral defense seems specifically tailored to counter such divine forces.
A bullet could still put Cage down.
It has it's even died to lesser foes in alternate timelines.
Boomstick: And anyway Raiden's final explosion attack it's nothin' compared to the raw power of the Reactor Might under the Blue Falcon's hood.
Wiz: Numbers aside this was a pretty even match.
But Falcon's greater strength, toughness and fiery arsenal tip the scales.
Boomstick: In the end Johnny just couldn't finish the race.
Wiz: The winner is Captain Falcon.
Ben: Hey thanks for watching this episode if you want the battle music for yourself you can get it by clicking the link down below.
Chad: And check out that video right next to Ben's face.