Today's episode Decoded has nothing
to do with race, gender, or ethnicity,
but, fellow able-bodied folks,
don't get too excited 'cause we need to tighten up.
(lively, upbeat music)
As a woman of color, there are a lot
of phrases I'm tired of hearing.
In fact, I made a whole video about them.
Oh, cute for a black guy.
That one kinda looks like you.
But microaggressions like these aren't just limited to race.
So on today's episode of Decoded,
we're talking about five things people living
with disabilities are tired of hearing,
reading, and seeing from us able-bodied folks.
And here to help us out is Danielle Perez.
- Thanks, Franchesca.
As an amputee, I can't speak
for every physically disabled person,
but across the spectrum of physical disability,
there are some things we have in common.
And while this list of phrases could be,
like, 200 points long, we've done you a favor
and trimmed it down to five.
Number one, how do you have sex?
People across the spectrum of disability do indeed date.
We have romantic feelings, romantic partners,
and yes, we (bleep).
The idea that sex must be inherently painful,
sad, or shameful for disabled people
is an ill-informed stereotype
and one that assumes able-bodied people
are the only people whose bodies can be desirable.
I'm fine as (bleep), and if you can't see it, that's on you.
This stereotype tends to disproportionately impact
physically disabled folks, especially folks
who regularly use mobility aids or wheelchairs like me!
And unless you're trying to smash, mind your own business.
Number two, you don't look disabled!
Oh my God, this phrase is a hot mess.
Some people try to use this phrase as a compliment.
It's not.
Don't erase our disability just
because it makes you feel better.
I've actually had people tell me I'm too pretty
to be in a wheelchair.
Rude, I'm pretty and use a wheelchair.
It's important to remember the intent
doesn't always equal impact, which means
that even the best of intentions
can result in able-bodied people
speaking down to disabled folks.
Other people use you don't look disabled
as an accusation, which what in the actual (bleep)?
Too often, able-bodied people assume
that disabilities you can't see are,
by nature, less serious or entirely illegitimate.
Not every disability is visible.
Some people live with invisible disabilities,
which includes people who are deaf or hard of hearing,
and people living with chronic illnesses
that cause pain or fatigue.
But even people with physical disabilities
might not need mobile aids consistently.
Seeing someone in a wheelchair stand up or use their legs
does not mean they don't need a wheelchair.
Seeing someone with a cane walking without it
doesn't mean they're faking or exaggerating.
Y'all really think disabled people
aren't actually disabled and instead
are putting up their own Showtime character special?
(buzzer buzzes)
We shouldn't have to prove we're disabled
in the first place, yet we're constantly asked to,
which is why the phrase you don't look disabled
has a particular sting to it.
Number three, I know someone with your disability,
and something that helped them was...
People get heated when we generalize about millennials.
We all will still assume every person
with a particular disability will be helped
by this same exact thing.
Disability is not a monolith, and it's not experienced
by every person in the same way.
So just 'cause your cousin was helped by doing yoga
doesn't mean that's helpful information for me.
You and your cousin are not my doctor,
unless it's Shelly, hey girl!
I don't mind talking about your friend
or neighbor who also lives with X disability,
but don't assume that means their lived experience
is similar to mine.
But also, I would much rather talk
about Cardi B coming for Nicki Minaj's whole life
at New York Fashion Week.
'Kay, Team Cardi forever.
Number four, I was there was a cure for you.
Not every disabled person needs or wants to be cured.
We're people, not salami.
This mentality assumes disability is a burden
and places the onus on disabled people to fix themselves
rather than considering the ways we
as a society could make our world more inclusive.
Our systems of education, our infrastructure,
and our media are all catered
to serve the same types of brains and bodies.
(buzzer buzzing)
When we focus on curing rather than including,
it implies you'd rather change people
rather than infrastructure.
Inclusive design benefits everyone.
Do you really find it threatening to live in a world
with more elevators and sidewalk cutouts?
Both of those things are super useful to everyone.
Number five, I'm so sorry.
Disabled people are people, and as YouTuber,
intersectional activist, and my friend Annie Segarra writes,
"One does not need to be able-bodied
"or healthy in order to be happy.
"We can be sick or disabled and happy,
"and sad sometimes, just like you."
Yes, believe it or not, disabled people
also experience a range of emotions.
It's almost like we're human?
And fun fact, disabled people
are the largest minority population in the US.
According to the US Census, 40 million Americans live
with a disability; it's normal.
So don't be sorry just because someone has a disability.
Treat them like you would any able-bodied friend
and save your sympathy for when their goldfish dies
or they go viral on Twitter for a bad take.
It happens to the best of us.
Anyway, I promise I'd limit myself to five, and here we are.
Hopefully, we can get an hour-long followup
for my backup list of phrases I'm tired of hearing.
Kickin' it back to you, Franchesca.
- Thanks, Danielle.
And look, the truth is if you've said any of these things
in the past, that doesn't make you a terrible person.
We all make mistakes.
But now that you know better, you can do better.
Problem solved.
And before we go, I just wanna give a big thanks
to Danielle Perez.
And, as always, thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time right here on Decoded.
(lively, upbeat music)
- I'm fine as (bleep).
I know I look good.
I'm all that and a bag of chips.
Are we still saying that, does anyone have chips?
I'm sexy as hell.
I'm a dime on wheels, okay, we call it a quarter.
I'm a catch, and I know because I'm on wheels
you don't think so, but I'm very hard to catch.