ALANA MCLAUGHLIN: I joined the military initially
because I felt like it was my only option to either force myself into manhood somehow or die.
ALANA MCLAUGHLIN: I wouldn’t say that I
felt like I was in the wrong body as much as I was in the wrong role. Gender boils down
to a lot more than just your physical form.
COMM: Until recently, Alana was known as Ryan.
ALANA MCLAUGHLIN: I joined United States Army
Special Forces. My job was still a combat role. I was a shooter first. I fought, you
know, like I did all the things you’re supposed to do. I lifted weights, I grew a beard, I
rode a Harley. It didn’t change anything, you know, I was still crying myself to sleep
at night. You might notice in pretty much all of these pictures you will not see a smile
anywhere, I just really wasn’t a very happy person at the time. I mean I was very conscious
that I was playing a part that wasn’t really me. I felt forced into something.
ALANA MCLAUGHLIN: I sort of constructed this
false personality that was just a combination of action heroes that I could think of as
very much the stoic, violent male archetype. I don’t really see myself, I see almost
like an empty suit of armour, I was trying very hard to meet the expectations that society
and my family put on me.
COMM: Alana had a troubled childhood. She
knew from a young age that she identified as female. She was also victim of sexual abuse.
ALANA MCLAUGHLIN: I had two prayers growing
up. One was that, my rapist would stop and the other one was that god would either change
my body and make me a girl or, change my mind where I wouldn’t want to be. And neither
one of those prayers was ever answered. So I kinda, I lost my faith at a very early age.
I told my parents that I was gay and that I felt like I was a girl and I wanted to be
a girl. They think that the reason I’m transgender is that I was sexually abused as a child.
Sexual abuse does not change your sexuality, it doesn’t change your gender. So when I
first told my parents this, my dad didn’t talk to me for like a week or two weeks. They
would not accept me as their daughter, I would only ever be their son and even as their son
I was a massive disappointment.
COMM: Leaving the army in 2010, Alana made
her first attempt to transition with devastating consequences.
ALANA MCLAUGHLIN: I had been on hormones long
enough that I had some breast development, but then of course I gave up on transition
and felt like I could never do it, it was never gonna work, I would only ever be a joke.
And I went back to lifting weights and everything. And I didn’t wanna be a man with boobs.
I went to the bathroom in the mirror and removed what breast tissue I had. I used, you know,
number 10 blade scalpel. I would say that was a pretty self-destructive thing to do.
SOFIA STANDFORD: I can relate quite well to
what Alana’s been through, myself being a trans-woman and having similar experiences
and difficulties throughout the process to transition, and dealing with how society and
life generally treat us, and the roadblocks that we face while encountering that.
COMM: With the support of close friends, Alana
finally felt confident enough to have surgery.
ALANA MCLAUGHLIN: Very recently, in the past
two months, had all of the surgeries I ever wanted basically, I’ve had a breast augmentation,
I’ve had vaginal plasty or sex reassignment surgery. Basically my outie has been made
an innie. I also had facial feminisation surgery.
ALANA MCLAUGHLIN: I’ve had a lot of things
changed since I’ve transitioned, The way people interact with me, especially men. And
it’s funny, I would get in conversations with people about military matters and they’ll
try to tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
SOFIA STANDFORD: You can start to see a different
confidence and comfort in oneself, being that you know longer are looking or dealing with
surgical healing, but actually a settled state of being!
ALANA MCLAUGHLIN: I’m actually my own person
now, I don’t feel like I’m faking anymore. I don’t have to put on this, this façade
and I actually get to be a real person now, and so life is a lot better. I really got
into metal work because to me it was almost just sort of magic to take something cold
and lifeless like a lump of iron and with the proper catalyst, in this case fire, you
make it into something beautiful and delicate, but strong at the same time. And to me that
was very much an apt metaphor for my own life and my own transformation, I guess, was, you
know, this element of change and to make something beautiful.