Is it true that you,
one of your toughest phone calls
was of all that you had to deal with,
was about your pregnancy?
I was, I wanna say eight weeks pregnant,
the story I tell about being in Buckingham Palace,
three days later,
the story breaks about Anthony
being in communication online with other women.
And two days later,
I get a phone call from my friend, Felipe.
He said, this is a very awkward conversation for me,
but The New York Times has called
and they're about to report that you're pregnant.
And is there anything you want to share?
And he obviously didn't know.
And I was so mad, I had so much rage,
I felt like this deep, this secret, I hadn't told anybody.
We told our parents and our siblings.
And so he said, do you want to tell Hillary,
do you want to call people?
I said, no, I dare them, I dare them to run this story.
I'm not even 12 weeks pregnant.
And of course they did, and I was so shattered,
I was so broken by not being able to share,
what for me was a once in a lifetime gift.
Yes.
That till today, today,
and I did it yesterday in the kitchen,
that I wander around,
and when I'm in the shower or shopping,
I'll just say I'm pregnant.
And I say it because I never got to say it before.
And yesterday, Jordan said to me, mommy, you're pregnant?
And I'm like, no, no, no, no.
But it reminds you that there are things
that do stay with you.
I so appreciate hearing that
because it's not always what you expect is the moment.
Here's what I mean.
So when I got that phone call from Chris Miller
of I got to tell you something, something is coming out,
it wasn't the pregnancy, I feared,
it was being caught drinking.
And I felt like this was my shame.
And I was almost relieved when it wasn't that.
When people find out your deepest, darkest secrets,
and I experienced that when I was 13 years old,
and got outed and thrown into an institution
and career over, I have such PTSD from that,
that I think if someone's gonna catch me drinking again,
I'm going to lose my career,
I'm gonna lose my job that I love so much.
And it's so traumatizing.
And that was my thing, and it carries with it so much shame.
How did you deal with that?
The first time Anthony and I sat down after his first,
you know, the first revelation about his communication
with women online,
and we went away, we went to Texas, to therapy.
I didn't understand anything,
I didn't understand anything about, you know,
behavior that you couldn't control,
I didn't understand addiction,
I didn't know anybody growing up, really,
who were divorced or split up,
these weren't things you talked about in the Middle East.
I felt like the minute it was all out,
he seemed so relieved.
It was almost like an unburdening.
And he said, well, how do I stop the behavior?
And how do I fix it?
And I fully believed he could knock it off,
100% thought, in 2011, when this first happened,
he could just stop.
And then we learned later
when he ran for mayor of New York City in 2013,
when there was another revelation,
that he clearly couldn't stop it.
So every time I would get a call,
whether it was from Anthony or Felipe, as we talked about,
every time it was a call or a text saying
this tabloid called, or I have to tell you something,
it is, well, how bad is it?
And living in this world of,
it's not going to be as bad as I think it is,
it's going to be worse, because it always was.
And that's why in 2019,
and I do share the story in the book of really
when I got to the end of my, I couldn't, you know,
I contemplated stepping off a subway platform.
It was really my low of the low.
And when I did that,
there were two things that really came to me,
was number one, all of this holding everything,
and all of this anger and bitterness was only hurting me.
Something I later learned with Anthony in therapy
is that while pain might be necessary,
suffering is optional.
We have to go to another commercial really quickly,
but we will be right back.
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