So how many people know who I am? Those who don't, I'm
priest, been doing DEF CON here 18 years as a Goon, one of
public things I do is called spot the Fed. In the old day,
ratio was 30% federal to attendee, of course the cell
phone goes off -- it was kind of competition to spot the Fed.
Now it's just like shooting ducks in the barrel, we don't do
much any more. The "I am the Fed" shirt is one of most
covenanted shirts in the (phone going off again) that's them
telling me, >> Hello, I'm on stage right now. Can I call you
back. Thank you very much. My 9 year old doesn't take no for
an answer and kept ringing and ringing. It's so popular they
steal from each other to get the T-shirt. And we had FEDS
throwing other FEDS under the bus. So would someone like to
spot the Fed, they jump up together and you look at them,
almost like twins, it was, stand up sir, you sir, stand on chair.
Muscle structure, khaki pants, cargo, that was stock uniform.
Only thing missing is the gun bag and, you get them into
questioning and turns out they're both from the same FBI
office and inspiring for the shirt. There's a speaker
cancellation, so I'll open up floor. Fed are like Canadians,
they walk among us but do you really know who they are?
(Laughter) so, would anyone like to spot the Fed in the audience?
This is the audience participation part, by the way.
Anyone have any guesses? Yes, sir? This is like back in old
Soviet Russia where you announce your neighbors (Laughter). That
guy is the most, I guy in the black shirt? That kid there?
Stand up sir, come on down, pull up your pants, yes you. Anyone
else want to play spot the Fed? Come on stage. Anyone else?
You too, sir. You're not very bright, are you sir. Yes, sir.
You. There's 2 of you, yes, yes. You can't spot each other.
The guy with button down shirt? They lie by the way. (Laughter)
are your parents married. Were they married to each other? Not
a Fed. Not a Fed. Anyone else want to try? You don't get to
randomly pick people you don't like. That gentlemen right
there. Come on down, you too, ma'am. I thought we covered
this at first. You both come down. You can tell how they
walk, because if there's a gun belt one side sticks out more.
Ma'am you pick up microphone as well. What makes you think. >>
He seems square dressed and very vanilla, telltale sign for me.
I don't think there's a Fed in the office for talk
cancellation. >> If they're running off the room when they
say spot the Fed, it's probably a Fed. >> Mainly his stature,
>> This is not date the Fed. This is spot the Fed. >> We
brought him on the stage, did I drill, how did you know he was a
Fed, she said I slept with him yesterday. And pulled wallet
and checked credits. I'm sorry is someone from OSI out there in
audience, raise your hand, don't be afraid. I know you're out
there, help me out here. Can someone who is maybe associated
-- say what happened when you lose your credits. Attendee:
[Static-inaudible]. >> See there's a Fed. It's a bad
thing, almost as bad as losing your gun. That's how she
identified him. -- just because he look that's way, wearing
tennis shoes with black socks. >> Yeah ready to run if he
needs to. >> I was going to say, of all tracks that run in
this particular room. One I expect Feds to go to, do it
yourself Nukeproffing, -- >> Which is profiling, shame on
you. Audience, do you have any questions? Objective is to
figure out if they're FEDS, you can ask them any question you
want. >> Do you have clearance? Are you from Israel, sir? United
States? Where are you from? Netherlands. Do you have
clearance? Not any more. That ends the game. They're probably
not FEDS. That's how we spot the FEDS. Attendee:
[Static-inaudible]. >> North or south of the river, which Fed?
Are north or south of the river. He doesn't know what you're
saying. Inside or outside the building. Attendee: Way outside
the building. >> Way outside the building. Have you ordered
a copy of DD 14. >> Don't know what that is, >> Anyone else
have questions. Stand up sir. I think I know you. To you
have defined benefit pension? >> No. Once again, probably
not FEDS. One more. If what person is a Fed? Is the camera
man a Fed? (Laughter). No he's a union man. Or new Communist
party. I can tell you honestly there are Feds in the room. If
they haven't already run out of room. Try one more -- okay, in
the audience who might be a Fed, they come in all shapes, sizes
an colors. Attendee: I nominate this guy. >> That gentlemen
right there, come on down. Once a again, khaki shorts,
Attendee: Describe the watch. >> It is a [static-inaudible]
W, >> He's a convict sir, not a Fed. (Laughter) are you from
Australia? >> New Zealand. >> Close. I'm going to drop a
third hint. There are at least 3 of them in the audience right
now. Goons can't spot FEDS. It's called insider trading.
Somebody else. Not picking the man that was just picked. Once
again, -- I see -- God you all suck (Laughter). He's got the
outfit for it. Something that flipped me out this year, FBI
generally does not allow facial hair, several FBI agents this
year have beards. Well groomed beards and capped teeth, too.
>> Were you worried when there was the breach of. Attendee:
[Static-inaudible]. >> DEF CON -- again, did you get the first
letter from OPM. >> No I did not get a letter. >> Did you
get e-mail. >> No e-mail. >> Are you authorized to carry a
concealed weapon >> Yes, in my home state. >> Are you allowed
to carry on airplane. >> No. >> [static-inaudible]
(Laughter) that's the kind of question we're looking for.
(Applause). >> I really don't know the difference (Laughter).
>> Not a Fed or good at hiding. Were you not worried about
breach. >> I was worried. >> Because I have clearance. I
never got a letter, but I don't know why. >> That's because
they're doing second batch, working on contractor right now.
Thank you for participating. Notice the hair cut, short on
the sides. I got up this morning and had it on backwards,
until someone pointed it out it was backwards. -- they'll be
another spot the Fed, thank you for participating and thanking
for being good sports. Thank you, thank you.