(lighthearted music)
- Okay guys, here's a couple ground rule doubles.
- Thank you.
- With bacon, eggs over medium, and a side of fruit.
Enjoy.
(sighs)
- What?
- Look at my fruit bowl.
- What's wrong with your fruit bowl?
Is there a hair in it?
- No, there's no hair in it.
They always do this, there's too much honeydew.
- What's wrong with honeydew?
- "What's wrong with honeydew?"
Everything! Everything's wrong with honeydew.
- Name literally one thing.
- Oh my god, I will name several things.
Okay, one, it tastes like butt.
Two, it's never ripe.
- How do you know what butt tastes like?
- Because I have one.
- And you eat it?
Yes. Three, look at how much space it's taking up.
It's a filler fruit.
Where's the cantaloupe? Where's the pineapple?
- Right there, right there. - There's only two
pieces of strawberry. - Right there, it's--
- There's one grape in here. One grape.
- Ask for more grapes.
- Meanwhile, 10 pieces of honeydew?
- I'm so sorry, just pick around it.
- Pick around it? - Yeah.
- "Just pick around it."
There is no picking around it. It is it!
I made the mature, responsible, adult choice
of ordering a side of fruit instead of
ordering a side of potatoes, and in return
I get boned with a fucking honeydew platter
with a side of "go fuck yourself!"
It's like when bartenders put more ice in your drink
so that you think you're getting more alcohol.
I'm not getting more alcohol! I know how displacement works!
- Hey, hey, hey, is everything okay?
- I know how displacement works!
- Oh my god.
I'm sorry it's...
It's not you, it's...
It's the honeydew.
- Oh, I...
I get it.
- You do?
- You think I enjoy this?
They make us put extra honeydew in here
because it's cheaper.
I go home every night
disgusted with the man that I've become.
(chuckling) I mean me,
a honeydew peddler.
Who'd have thought!
(cackling)
You know...
You know, sometimes I go to the bridge downtown,
take a pebble off the edge of the bridge
and just see how far it'll fall
and wonder to myself,
"What if there was a way
"to just end it all?"
- Fuck honeydew.
- ♫ I like all other fruits ♫
- ♫ And that for sure is true ♫
- ♫ But on one thing we can all agree ♫
- [Both] ♫ Fuck honeydew ♫
- ♫ Fuck honeydew ♫
- ♫ There's fucking nothing good about it ♫
- ♫ And I just want to shout it ♫
- ♫ Fuck you ♫
- [All] ♫ Fuck you, fuck you ♫
Fuck!
♫ Fuck honeydew ♫
(sighs)
- I'm not even hungry anymore, can we go?
- Yeah I'm not either, we should leave.
(jaunty music)
- You know, I think honeydew is actually pretty delicious.
- Get the fuck out my restaurant, Fred!