Welcome back to my dark Corner of this Sick world
'Everyone hates us, Vood'
Earlier this year we reviewed Teenage Caveman,
which contains an historically accurate recreation of the discovery of the bow and arrow.
so you can imagine my shock on watching Ironmaster.
Now I don't know what to believe.
'Believe me it's true'
Ironmaster is one of those 80s Italian sword and sandal sub-epics, low on plot, high on semi-nudity.
But, actually, this is pretty restrained, aside from the occasional cave girl nip-slip.
Which is inevitable given the costume, she can't even die without popping out.
The plot can be summed up in one line, which could be from literally any of these films
'You'll never turn this ragged band into warriors'
Bad guy Vood is expelled from his tribe for reckless behaviour.
'Vood doesn't deserve to be leader of Great Zuck's Tribe.'
'He killed Zextra, he's a murderer and a traitor and must pay for what he has done.'
and, following a volcanic eruption, accidentally discovers iron.
Enter Lith...
'I salute the great Vood, the future master of all these valleys'
who appears from nowhere having apparently travelled here on the off-chance
someone might be discovering iron
'Now I belong to you Vood'
Like an Iron age Lady Macbeth she sends Vood back to his tribe to become King Teddybear head
'Vood has returned'
ousting buff, waxed and blow-dried good guy Ela
'I will spare your life'
Well that's gonna come back and bite you in the ass, but now Ela is the one on the outside
'My name is Isa'
so it's his turn to meet a random woman.
'I was out collecting nuts and berries'
You don't seem to be very good at it.
Meanwhile, having spent a long afternoon learning to smelt iron,
Vood is conquering other tribes.
'ARRRRRRRGH!'
Sneak attack!
'Each of those fires is a different tribe'
There's 3 of them, they all seem to be right next to each other,
and I can't help noticing that they've camped in the territory of the toy mammoth.
Never the less, Vood's men are ruthless.
'Ahhh!'
With is odd when you consider they were all with Ela earlier
'Life has no value from them'
This would be your own tribe you're talking about.
Isa's tribe by contrast are a bunch of hippy vegetarians
'Weapons are evil. Weapons spill blood'
and don't understand Ela's story
'The man is called Vood'
'Why?'
Presumably his parents hated him.
Along the way we have random encounters with plague victims
'Don't touch them, they're sores bring death'
Death to the terminally ill.
extras from planet of the apes.
Endless buffalo.
and occasional lions.
Lions don't climb trees,
as you can plainly see.
But through all of this, Ela still bothers Vood
'This time I won't let the prey get away'
We seem to be remembering events differently
'I will spare your life.'
More confusingly
'As long as he's alive, we're in danger'
He's one man, he's not coming for you. All this is a plot contrivance to get to the final confrontation
'With this, our tribe cannot be beaten'
But how can Ela get the people of Isa's tribe to give up their peaceful ways and defend themselves?
'I am the spear. Go. Fly.'
'Good'
Turns out their doctrine of peace is a fairly flexible one,
although they should at least be careful when training.
That's how accidents happen.
I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow in the knee.
This is an iron age arms race and comes with a moral
'There will be another Vood'
that seems to hint at nuclear disarmament.
with the slight caveat that, metaphorically speaking, they already dropped the bomb.
The slogan 'Annihilate your enemies, then disarm' is not one I would expect to see at a rally anytime soon.
'What are we waiting for, let's go.'
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