HEY EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL.
LET'S TALK WITH A FRIEND OF OURS WHO ALWAYS MAKES US FEELS
BETTER, MR. JON BATISTE.
JON, HOW ARE YOU FEELING TONIGHT?
>> I'M DOING REAL GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING.
>> Stephen: I'M DOING GOOD.
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR JACKET SPP IS THAT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL JACKET.
>> Jon: THIS IS MY HIGH SCHOOL JACKET.
I LOVE REPRESENTING EYE REMEMBER THOSE TIMES FONDLY.
>> Stephen: YOU PLAYED BASKETBALL FOR SAINT AGUSTIN,
RIGHT?
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
I PLAYED BASKETBALL, AND WE ACTUALLY WON-- I ALWAYS LIKE TO
SAY THIS AND I'M GOING TO KEEP SAYING IT FOREVER-- WE WON THE
NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP, A.A.U.
CHAMPIONS.
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE GOOD TO SO YOU.
>> Jon: YES, SIR.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, SIR, MUCH LOVE.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN HERE PAINSTAKINGLY
SOURCING THE MOST FINELY ENGINEERED NEWS PARTS TO
ASSEMBLE THE STATE-OF-THE-ART, GRAND PRIX-WINNING F-1 SUPERCAR
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SCAVENGE THE TOPICAL JUNKYARD FOR SCRAP
METAL, USED AIRBAGS, AND A STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND CHASSIS,
SLAP IT ALL TOGETHER WITH DUCT TAPE, THEN CAREEN DOWN
"BREAKNECK HILL" IN THE RAMSHACKLE SOAP BOX JALOPY OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
>> QUARANTINE-WHILE!
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE.
CORONAVIRUS HAS PROMPTED THE MICHIGAN HEALTH DEPARTMENT TO
LAUNCH A FREE CONDOM DELIVERY SERVICE.
A CRITICAL SERVICE DURING A PANDEMIC QUARANTINE.
I'VE ALWAYS SAID, "CONDOMS ARE THE FAY MASK OF THE PENIS."
AND COVID IS IMPACTING THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY.
THE MAKER OF DUREX CONDOMS SAID THAT THE QUARANTINE
WAS "HAVING A TOLL ON THE NUMBER OF INTIMATE OCCASIONS."
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WILL HAVE A TOLL ON INTIMATE OCCASIONS?
CALLING THEM "INTIMATE OCCASIONS?"
"HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY HEAD BACK TO MY PLACE AND HAVE AN INTIMATE
OCCASION?
NO?
HOW ABOUT A FORNICATION OCCURRENCE?
NO?
A BODY FLUID CONFERENCE?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" "INTIMATE OCCASIONS" IS NOT WHAT
NORMAL HUMANS CALL SEX.
IT'S THE NAME OF A STRIPPER'S PERFUME.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "JUDI DENCH SAYS HER 'CATS' COSTUME WAS LIKE
'FIVE FOXES (BLEEP) ON MY BACK.'"
AND WATCHING "CATS" IS LIKE FIVE DOGS HUMPING YOUR BRAIN.
ALTHOUGH "FIVE FOXES
SEUSS BOOK.
"I DO NOT LIKE THEM ON MY BACK.
I DO NOT LIKE THEM NEAR MY CRACK."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN LOCKDOWN BEAUTY REGIMEN NEWS, KESHA IS
TREATING HERSELF TO BUTT MASKS DURING QUARANTINE."
AS LONG AS THEY'RE NOT N95 BUTT MASKS.
WE NEED THOSE FOR THE DOCTORS' BUTTS.
KESHA'S TUSH TREATMENT IS A "BUTT SHEET MASK, FORMULATED
WITH CITRUS TO BRIGHTEN AND REJUVENATE.
IT HELPS REDUCE THE APPEARANCE OF BLEMISHES AND ALLEVIATE
DULLNESS, LEAVING YOUR SKIN PLUMP, HYDRATED, AND RADIANT
LOOKING."
LOOK, I WANT TO GO ON THE RECORD AND SAY I KNOW A LOT OF PRESSURE
ABOUT THEIR BODIES ON WOMEN IS FROM MEN.
BUT I PROMISE, THIS ONE'S NOT COMING FROM US.
NO MAN IS SAYING "I THINK I GOTTA BREAK UP WITH SARAH.
I KNOW SHE'S CRAZY HOT, BUT HER BUTT SKIN IS DULL.
THERE'S JUST NO BRIGHT CITRUS TO IT.
ALL I WANT IS A GIRL WHOSE ASS HAS ENOUGH REFLECTIVITY TO
CAPTURE DEEP FIELD PHOTOS OF ANCIENT GALAXIES."
AND THE BUTT SHEETS AREN'T EASY TO APPLY.
AS KESHA EXPLAINS, "IT HELPS HAVING SOMEONE PUT IT ON YOUR
BUTT, SO THAT'S ANOTHER PERK OF BEING QUARANTINED WITH MY
BOYFRIEND."
WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON WHO YOU ASK.
FOR INSTANCE, THE BOYFRIEND.
"SORRY, GUYS.
MONDAY'S NO GOOD FOR OUR "CALL OF DUTY" TOURNAMENT.
I GOTTA GLADWRAP MY LADY'S CABOOSE.
I'M BEING TOLD IT'S A PERK."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, AFTER BEING DEEMED "NONESSENTIAL" AND SHUT
DOWN DURING THE LOCKDOWN, THE "LUCKY DEVIL LOUNGE" IN OREGON
HAS NOW CONVERTED TO A DRIVE-THRU STRIP CLUB.
FINALLY, A WAY TO COMBINE THE SADNESS OF GOING TO A STRIP CLUB
WITH THE SADNESS OF EATING IN YOUR CAR.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, AS PART OF A NEW PILOT PROGRAM, THIS WEEK "A
ROBOT DOG IS PATROLLING SINGAPORE PARKS TO ENCOURAGE
SOCIAL DISTANCING AMID THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC."
ROBOT DOG ENFORCEMENT.
THAT MUST BE SO COOL!
I THINK WE HAVE FOOTAGE.
DONT WOE, JIM?
WHOOPS, SORRY.
THAT WAS FROM AN EPISODE OF "BLACK MIRROR."
I'M SURE THE REAL ROBO-DOG LOOKS AND FEELS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
LIKE THAT ROBOT WHATSOEV-- AAAND, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
AT LEAST THIS ONE'S A JAUNTY YELLOW!
I GOTTA SAY, PEOPLE WOULD BE A LOT MORE RECEPTIVE IF THE DOG
WAS CUTER, CUDDLIER, AND LESS DYSTOPIAN.
THAT'S WHY I HAVE DESIGNED MY OWN PILOT PROGRAM: THE BENNY-BOT
9000.
COME HERE, BENNY.
BENNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HE WAS LICKING THE PLATE.
YOU MISSED YOUR CUE.
LICKING THE PLATE.
HERE'S THE BENNY BOT.
BENNY IS READY TO BE DEPLOYED IN PUBLIC PARKS WHERE HE WILL
SPREAD HIS MESSAGE OF SAFETY, THEN EAT YOUR PICNIC, STEAL YOUR
SHOES, AND BITE YOUR THIGHS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
WHO'S A PUBLIC HEALTH AMBASSADOR?
YOU ARE!
YES, YOU ARE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRISTINE BARANSKI.
UP TO THE MEET CHRISTINE BARANSKI?
SHE'S A NATIONAL TREASURE, YES, SHE IS!
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