Hello I’m from the Australien Government
As we head into the worst economic recession in living history, what the nation needs now
is leadership, evidence-based policies, and bold vision
And fucked if we have those
So instead, we’ve cooked up with something else
That’s right, while you’ve been in lockdown, we too have been busy baking
No, not sourdough...
Shitfuckery
The kind your grandkids will still be tasting decades from now
Introducing our Disaster Economic Recovery Plan
DERP
Brought to you by the empty ballsack of ideas that is Scott’s ministry
DERP will take the money we have for our economic recovery
the one chance we have not to lose a generation to a lifetime of hardship
and throw it in a fucking volcano
Or to put it in lay terms: give it to the Gas Industry
Gas is what’s called a “Transition Fuel”
it fuels the transition of dollars from public coffers into the bank accounts of private
companies who pay no tax and create shittons of emissions
Will it create jobs?
A volcano would literally employ more people through tourism
AND provide cheaper heating bills, since a volcano can’t be exported overseas
which is exactly what we do with Gas, and the reason you pay so much for it
Is DERP supported by experts?
Yes, the ones we’ve appointed to our advisory committee
which we’ve stacked with former gas executives, mining lobbyists and chinless neoliberal spivs
Oh look, there’s even a director of a Saudi oil company in there
Cool and normal!
Actual experts are saying that instead of DERP, we should invest in renewables
since our own science agency shows they’re performing better than coal and gas
But Angus said, fuck evidence:
lets invest your money in bullshit solutions like carbon capture
which no credible study says will ever work
but which gives his mates a boner coz it lets them keep polluting and making the ching-ching
Fantastic! Great move. Well done Angus
Others are saying we should look to history for answers:
Remember that time the US government ended the Great Depression by spending massively
on a strong social safety net
and employing people to build shittons of stuff?
Bridges, roads, hospitals...
If only there were an urgent need today for a similar nation-building project
such as decarbonising our economy
which would bring back to our shores hi-tech manufacturing jobs
employ millions, and at the same time ensure a living planet for our children...
Nope, can’t think of one
Besides, we can’t afford all that!
Well, we could pay for it with the money Josh found behind the couch last week after realising
he under-estimated JobKeeper by $60 billion
Woops!
And there’d still be enough left over to bailout all to those who missed out
and not cut Newstart back to poverty levels
But why do all that, when we can subsidise an industry that manufactures fuck all?
Apart from holes in the ground and continent-scale bushfires
In order to feed you this turd-sandwich
we'll be moving things along fast to try and overwhelm you with shitfuckery
Oh look, we just approved a new coal mine while you couldn’t protest!
Coz the last thing we want is for you to have time to realise
how important this moment of history is
how consequential our choices are at this crucial juncture
and come together to stop us from wasting it
With DERP
Join us next week for more shitfuckery we cooked-up while you were in lockdown
like our handout to renovate rich peoples’ homes
instead of public housing and those who lost theirs in the fires
Australien Government lol we’re gonna get us all killed
Authorised by the Department for Wasting Historic Opportunities