>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST HAS STARRED IN EVERYTHING
"CURB YOUR ENTHUSIAM."
PLEASE WELCOME WANDA SYKES.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> WOW!
THEY'RE AWESOME.
WELL, WANDA SYKES, LOVELY TO HAVE YOU HERE.
>> THANK YOU!
NICE TO MEET YOU AGAIN.
WE MET BRIEFLY AT THE "HAND IN HAND" BENEFIT IN LOS ANGELES FOR
THE HURRICANE VICTIMS.
>> BUT YOU WERE WITH THE BIG-WIGS.
YOU WERE OVER THERE SUCKING IT UP WITH BARBRA STREISAND YOU.
>> Stephen: HAVE TO SUCK IT UP WITH BABES.
>> I WAS LIKE, "HEY, STEPHEN!" >> Stephen: SHE NEEDS YOUR
FULL ATTENTION.
I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID HI TO YOU.
I JUST WOULD HAVE BEEN, LIKE...
>> Stephen: LISTEN, I KNOW YOU'RE AN EAGLES FAN.
>> YYES, YES.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
( APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU THANK YOU.
I'M ALSO A SAINTS FAN.
THAT'S MY MAIN TEAM, SAINTS.
BUT I'M AN EAGLES FAN.
SAINTS EYE MEAN, EAGLES, EAGLE S.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A PLACE IN PHILADELPHIA, DON'T JEW YES.
>> Stephen: ANYTHING TURNED OVER IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?
>> NO, WE HAVE A LOT OF NICE, OLDER WHITE PEOPLE IN MY
NEIGHBORHOOD.
>> Stephen: THEY CAN TURN OW.
>> THEY CAN TURN.
IT'S THE YOUNG ONES YOU HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR.
>> Stephen: THE LIPITOR, THEY GO CRAZY.
>> KEVIN WENT A LITTLE CRAZY.
>> Stephen: KEVIN HART WENT CRAZY.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: HE TRIED TO GET UP ON THE STAND WITH THE LOMBARDI
TROPHY, AS IF HE PLAYED.
>> HE PLAYED!
I'M LIKE, "NO, I KNOW YOU DO EVERYTHING, BUT, NO, YOU DIDN'T
DO THAT."
>> Stephen: HE'S NOT QUITE BIG ENOUGH TO CATCH THE BALL.
>> I WAS LIKE, COME OMAN!
JUMAGI, YOU'VE SEEN JUMAGI!
>> Stephen: NUMBER ONE MOVIE.
>> PHILLY HAS NEVER WON A SUPER BOWL.
HE'S A HUGE FAN, SO, YOU KNOW, HE WENT NUTS.
HEY, AT LEAST HE DIDN'T EAT HORSE (BLEEP).
YOU GOTTA GIVE HIM THAT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
THAT'S A NEW ONE.
>> YOU GOTTA GIVE HIM THAT.
>> Stephen: FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW, THERE IS FOOTAGE--
>> PHILLIES FANS.
>> Stephen: A PARTICULAR PHILLIES FAN WHO HAS A (BLEEP)
RIGHT NOW OF-- OF BENDING OVER AND EATING HORSE POOP BECAUSE
THE CROWD WAS CHANTING FOR HIM TO DO IT.
THAT'S A PEOPLE PLEASER.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
HE IS NOT A LEADER, NO.
HE IS NOT A LEADER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL, SPEAKING OF
LEADERS, THREE OF THE EAGLES PLAYERS HAVE ALREADY SAID THEY
DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: FOR THE TRADITIONAL INVITATION, WHERE
THE PRESIDENT HAS THE TEAM DOWN AND CONGRATULATES THEM AND
EVERYTHING WITH THE LOMBARDI TROPHY.
IF YOU WERE ONE OF THOSE PLAYERS, WOULD YOU GO DOWN TO
THE WHITE HOUSE?
>> HONESTLY, I WOULD GO.
I WOULD.
I WOULD GO, AND I WOULD SHOW UP WITH MOVING BOXES AND A U-HAUL.
I WOULD BE LIKE...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "LET'S GO!"
"TIME TO GO!" >> Stephen: NOT BAD.
THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
WE-- WE LIKE TO MAKE SOME JOKES ABOUT THE PRESIDENT FROM TIME TO
TIME AROUND HERE.
>> REALLY?
>> Stephen: JUST ONCE IN A WHILE, ONCE NAY WHILE, WHEN IT'S
APPROPRIATE.
IT'S NOT ALWAYS APPROPRIATE.
WHEN IT'S APPROPRIATE WE DO.
I'M HARD-PRESSED-- OKAY, THINK OF SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT THE
GUY.
IS THERE ANYTHING-- ANYTHING POSITIVE.
YOU DO SOME POLITICAL HUMOR.
IS THERE ANYTHING POSITIVE THAT COMES TO MIND WHEN YOU THINK
ABOUT THE PRESIDENT?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> BOY... YOU KNOW, THAT MELANIA, SHE DOESN'T SEEM TOO
BAD.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH.
>> SHE DOESN'T SEEM TOO BAD.
YEAH.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT I'VE NOTICED, THEY NEVER WALK
TOGETHER.
YOU NOTICE THAT?
LIKE, DID YOU SEE, LIKE, YESTERDAY, I THINK, WHEN HE GOT
OFF THE HELICOPTER -- >> Stephen: HE ALWAYS GOES
FIRST.
>> HE JUST TOOK OFF.
BUT THAT TELLS A LOT YOU KNOW.
IT SAYS THAT THAT'S THE GUY WHO'S TRYING TO GET AHEAD OF HIS
LIE, YEAH.
>> Stephen: GET AHEAD OF HIS LIE?
>> GET AHEAD OF THE LIE.
I HAVE FRIENDS LIKE, THAT MAN.
WHEN I SEE-- THEY PULL UP AND HE GETS AHEAD OF HIS WIFE, I KNOW,
OKAY, HERE COMES THE LIE.
HE'S LIKE, "HEY, I WAS WITH YOU LAST NIGHT, OKAY?
IF IT COMES UP, I WAS WITH YOU WATCHING THE GAME, ALL RIGHT?"
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S STRAIGHT TO THE-- "HEY,
MAN, COME HERE, COME HERE."
>> Stephen: "WE WERE IN THE SITUATION ROOM, HANDLING, YOU
KNOW,..."
>> EXACTLY, EXACTLY.
THAT'S-- HIS MOVE.
HE'S, YOU KNOW-- "IS THE PORN STAR DEAD?
IS THE PORN STAR DEAD YET?" >> Stephen: THAT'S A LITTLE...
THAT'S A LITTLE DARK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) A LITTLE DARK.
FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S TRUE, I GUESS.
>> YUP.
>> Stephen: AS I SAID, YOU DO SOME POLITICS IN YOUR-- IN YOUR
COMEDY.
YOU DID THE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER A FEW YEARS BARK RIGHT?
>> YEAH, THE FIRST ONE FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA.
>> Stephen: I'VE PLAYED THAT ROOM.
THAT'S A-- THAT'S A STRANGE ROOM.
>> IT IS.
>> Stephen: A STRANGE ROOM.
>> TRIGHT.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE ON THE DAIS HAVE TO BE LAUGHING FOR THE
PEOPLE IN THE ROOM TO LAUGH.
>> THAT, YES, AND, ALSO, IT'S JUST A SPECTRUM OF PEOPLE.
YOU GET-- HERE'S MADELEINE ALBRIGHT AND IS THAT A
KARDASHIAN?
WHAT THE HELL?
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE!
>> Stephen: IT'S A VERY FINE LINE.
BUT IF YOU-- IF YOU--
IF YOU-- IF YOU COULD CHANGE SOMETHING ABOUT WASHINGTON,
LIKE, WHAT-- WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE ABOUT THE CITY?
>> YOU KNOW, I RECENTLY SAW "HAMILTON," AND I WAS-- AMAZING.
I WAS INSPIRED.
AND I BELIEVE THAT WE SHOULD BRING BACK THE DUEL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
>> I'M ALL FOR BRINGING BACK THE DUEL.
I MEAN, WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO SEE MAXINE WATERS SQUARE OFF WITH
MITCH McCONNELL?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH, I WOULD.
>> BECAUSE SHE'S A SMALL TARGET, TOO.
SHE'S A SMALL TARGET.
AND I BET YOU SHE HAS AN ITCHY TRIGGER FINGER, BOY.
I BET YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, OH, OH, WE CAN'T DECIDE WHAT
TO DO ABOUT THE DREAMERS?
YOU DON'T WANT A PATH TO CITIZENSHIP?
DUEL!
COME ON!
>> Stephen: 10 PAITIONS AND GONE.
>> 10 PACES AND GONE.
DUEL!
( APPLAUSE ) BUT YOU KNOW WOMEN.
WE WOULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE DUEL SITUATION.
>> Stephen: HOW.
>> BECAUSE IT WOULD SPILL OVER, YOU KNOW, INTO REAL LIFE, YOU
KNOW.
LIKE, A GUY COMES HOME, AND HIS WIFE IS LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE
DUELING BOB TOMORROW MORNING."
"WHAT, WHAT, WHAT THE HELL?" "WELL, HE WAS TALKING TRASH
ABOUT YOU, SO I TOLD HIM YOU WOULD DUEL IT OUT WITH HIM."
"I'M NOT DOING THAT."
"OH, ALL RIGHT OKAY.
HEY, SHIRL, YEAH, TELL BOB THAT HENRY DOESN'T WANT TO DUEL.
YEAH, TELL HIM I GUESS I DID MARRY A LITTLE BITCH."
( APPLAUSE ) SEE?
SEE HOW THAT WORKS?
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU GOT A NEW SHOW HERE.
YOU'RE THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, AND HAVE COMPETED ON--
>> YES.
>> Stephen: A SHOW CALLED "TALK SHOW THE GAME SHOW."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW A TALK SHOW--
WHAT'S A TALK SHOW GAME SHOW?
>> TALK SHOAM THE GAME SHOW WOE COMBINE A TALK SHOW WITH A GAME
SHOW.
THREE GUESTS COME OUT, AND THEY HAVE AN INTERVIEW, AND WE JUDGE
THAT INTERVIEW.
YOU SCORE POINTS BY DOING THINGS YOU NORMALLY DO ON A TALK SHOW,
LIKE HOW I TOLD A JOKE AND THEY LAUGHED.
THAT WOULD GIVE ME POINTS.
A LINE ABOUT MY AGE OR, YOU KNOW, APPLAUSE BREAKS.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOU?
>> 35...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WOULD BE POINTS.
DING, DING, DING, DING!
THAT WOULD BE POINTS.
>> Stephen: WELL, COULD YOU SHOW ME HOW IT WORKS?
>> SURE.
I BROUGHT MY LEAD JUDGE CASEY.
COME ON OUT HERE, CASEY.
>> Stephen: THIS IS ONE OF THE JUDGES?
>> THIS IS OUR OFFICIAL JUDGE.
>> Stephen: NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> Stephen: I JUST ASK YOU ANY QUESTION AND WE JUST GO.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: SO, WELL, THIS SOUNDS REALLY EXCITING.
WHAT ELSE ARE YOU WORKING ON THESE DAYS?
>> WELL, FIRST, STEPHEN, I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR
HAVING ME ON YOUR SHOW.
I BROUGHT YOU A GIFT.
>> GIFT TO HAWSE, TWO POINTS.
APPLAUSE, TWO POINTS.
>> I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW YOU WERE SUCH A HANDSOME MAN.
>> FLIRT WITH HOST, THREE POINTS.
>> GORGEOUS, SO GORGEOUS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HEY, HOW ABOUT BEING THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD RIGHT
NOW, NEW YORK.
>> MENTION CITY, APPLAUSE BREAK, THREE POINTS.
DRINK ALCOHOL ON STAGE THREE POINTS.
>> OH, BOY!
THIS IS JUST AMAZING.
SO I'VE BEEN VERY BUSY, STEPHEN.
YOU KNOW I'M A GUEST STAR ON "BLACKISH."
>> PLUG PROJECT TWO POINTS.
NAME DROP TWO POINTS.
>> I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY-- >> THREE POINTS.
>> BUT WE DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT.
AND I'M ALSO CONSULTING OVER AT THE NEW ROSEANNE REBOOT--
>> PLUG PROJECT TWO POINTS.
>> ROSEANNE BAWR IS OVER THERE.
>> NAME DROP, TWO POINTS.
>> LAURIE METCALF, WHO IS NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR, HOW
AMAZING IS THAT.
SARA GILBERT.
>> NAME DROP TWO POINTS.
YOU ARE GETTING A YELLOW CARD FOR EXCESSIVE NAME DROPPING.
SPIT BREAK, FIVE POINTS.
APPLAUSE BREAK, TWO POINTS.
AND THAT IS TIME.
>> THAT IS HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME.
>> Stephen: "TALK SHOW THE GAME SHOW," EVERYBODY.
LOVELY TO MEET YOU.
"TALK SHOW THE GAME SHOW" AIRS THURSDAY NIGHTS ON truTV.
WANDA SYKES, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THOMAS HADEN CHURCH.