1st story is Called.
Caught my wife cheating after 18 years.
SHE CLAIMS HE’S JUST A FRIEND.
I knew something was off.
I confronted her on November 14th, 2021.
She had changed her passwords, something we had previously shared, and had become very protective of her phone.
I noticed that she quickly shut it off whenever I came into the room.
I noticed that she had downloaded Signal, which is a private messaging app.
She had started taking longer coming home from work, claiming that
deliveries where late, or, those she worked with, were being slow.
She all but stopped messaging me during the day, and when she did
write, it was short things about dinner or other trivial items.
She started going grocery shopping alone, needed some, "her" time, this is something we used to do together.
She has always gone running after work, and on weekends, but now with it getting too dark and cold,
her "running" on the weekends have turned into 3-to-4-hour events.
She moved out onto the couch, saying I moved around too much, and she couldn't sleep.
The couch then became the guest bedroom, that's when I finally confronted her.
She said that she was texting the other man because he had been open about his mental health issues, she has struggled
with anxiety and depression for a while, but, we had it under better control with counseling and medication.
She even initially told me she was going to talk to him, and because I knew him,
he goes to our church and is our insurance guy, I foolishly thought that would be OK.
On November 14th, I asked her if she still loved me, and she said yes, but, she "hasn't been happy for quite a
while", and, “it’s been a difficult year" and she wasn't sure if she wanted to work on the marriage or not.
I told her that I noticed that she hid her phone any time I came into the room.
That's when she told me who the other man was.
She said that they texted and met sometimes for lunch, but, he was "just a friend."
She said it over and over as I asked questions about him.
I got angry, and incredibly sad at the same time, and told her that it
ceased being "just friends" when she felt like she had to hide it from me.
I asked if she talked about me to him, she said she did.
I told her that her affair hurt almost as bad as if she had slept with him.
Over the next few days, I just could not shake the feeling that there was more going on than she told me.
It's difficult because she says she doesn't want to work on the marriage.
I looked at phone records, and they call each other first thing in the
morning and during most lunches, then again as soon as she gets off work.
The phone calls started on October 10th, so at least a month.
She doesn't text him because they use Signal, and, I don't have access to
her phone, plus it deletes the messages as soon as you send them anyway.
I talked to her again on Sunday, and she said that they only talk and hug.
I don't believe her, maybe it's because of the lies and the broken
trust, but, I just feel like more is going on than she is telling me.
She's currently in the process of finding a new place to live.
She was going to wait until January, but, I told her last night that I wouldn't be her plan B, and that if
she was waiting to move out to spare my feelings to not worry about that.
She put a deposit on a place today during her lunch hour.
In Virginia we must be separated for 6 months before we can divorce, as
soon as she moves into her new place, that will start the separation time.
I've left messages with a couple of divorce attorneys this week,
but, because of the holiday, they are slow getting back to me.
I think I want to split amicably, if possible, but, I also want to know how far she has taken it.
I feel this need to know if it was just an emotional affair or if it was a physical affair.
Does it really matter though?
Do I push it where she doesn't want to work on our marriage, or, just let her go and move on with my life?
We've been married for 18 years, and luckily, have no children.
I just feel so lost right now, lightheaded and in a fog.
I appreciate any advice.
2nd Story Is Called.
Caught my wife cheating – FOUND OUT 2 MONTHS AGO.
I've been lurking on this site for a month now, and finally decided to post.
Short story is that my wife and I have been married since 1994, and I found out about two months ago that she has
been engaged in a physical affair with a friend of ours for about six months.
We are both in our mid to late forties, both in decent shape, and we have a son who is grown, and on his own.
I will start off by saying that I have not been happy in my marriage for a good fifteen years or so.
Around 2005 she had an affair with a coworker.
I was devastated.
I busted her, she did all the crying and hemming and hawing, promising never to cheat again.
I kicked her out for a couple of months, and we went to a crappy
marriage counselor who basically blamed me for all her bad choices.
Thinking I was at fault for it all, I sucked it up, and we went on and basically buried the whole thing.
She was relieved and seemed happy with me, but, I kept my mouth shut and
just lived with it because I thought that is what a man was supposed to do.
Looking back that year, was the year my soul started dying.
Now I am relieved, almost ecstatic.
You all do not need to console me because I am not in pain.
If anything, I am happy because now, I can divorce my cheater and get out of this
fake marriage without having to feel like the bad guy, or that I am in the wrong.
She has given me the reason I have needed for fifteen years to finally
escape without my friends and family making me out to be the villain.
I can say with confidence, that I have been a good husband to her all these years.
Am I without any faults, No of course not.
But, I have never done any thing over the past fifteen years to warrant this treatment.
She knows full well, that if she were caught again, then that would be it, which
leads me to believe this is an exit affair on her part, and she wants me to bust her.
That is the feeling I get.
Maybe I am wrong, but, I have a hard time thinking she is that stupid to cheat
again after what we went through before and expect me to forgive her again.
So, over the past two months, I have gathered all the evidence I need to divorce her.
I have not confronted her yet, or, had her served.
I do want to eventually expose her to our friends and families in
order to protect my own reputation, but I have some questions:
1.
Should I wait until after the divorce is final to expose her to our families, and the other guy's wife?
If I expose now word might get back to her employer, and I don't want her getting fired.
I made the stupid mistake of marrying and living in a state where
alimony is mandatory, so, if she gets fired, then I'm on the hook.
She makes more than me.
If she doesn't lose her job, I could ask for alimony, but I won't.
2.
How do I tell my son?
He was just six when she cheated the first time, and, even though he couldn't understand at the time, he
saw what it did to us, and, I think he was affected by our separation.
He will be pissed at her, but, I don't know any reason why I should lie to him.
3.
Should I ask her to move out, or, try to keep things amicable until the divorce goes through and just live together?
I want to keep the house, and in my divorce petition, I state that I will buy out her share of the equity.
4.
I want to start dating again soon.
Is there anyone here who went through a divorce where you lived with your spouse, but, dated other people?
Or is it best to wait?
3rd Story
Caught my wife cheating – SHE IS BIPOLAR.
Hi guys, I really could use some advice.
My wife is bipolar and has suffered lots of abuse growing up, including abuse
by a family member, and abuse by her abuser ex-boyfriend who is in jail.
I am a private investigator and taskforce agent, and I missed all the signs.
Long story short, we met online as she was unconsciously seeking for a white knight experienced in helping
abuse survivors, and, ended up falling for me within a month and so did I.
Due to COVID, our meeting in person got delayed for months, and, after we married, I discovered she was an escort,
sugar baby for 3 years, she started on it as to get back at her abusive boyfriend,
and, also because she was conditioned to be objectified since she was little.
She basically stopped doing it around 4 months before we met in person, and, we married 3 months after meeting.
Many times I was hurting, because she disappeared, and now I know why.
She has cried, apologized, and says she feels lots of hate, shame, and disgust towards herself.
I believe her.
I went to the finish line, and found all kinds of texts, emails, hard evidence
on her emails, drives, and even some profiles she had at some sugar baby sites.
Oh boy, I regret seeing some things.
She was very sloppy in hiding stuff, and once I got access to 1 email, the Pandora box opened.
She is a student, and before I supported her financially, she had no income and no prospect of getting a proper job.
The lies and the denial, the way she gets defensive, is really tough on me.
I offered her financial help before we met, and she didn’t accept it,
so as you can see, she is not after my money, not that I have much.
How do I avoid lashing out?
Our relationship and arguments can get dicey in seconds, as she is bipolar and I’m what's known as "quiet borderline
personality disorder", in which I suffer all the pain and lash at myself, not
at her, not a great combo, but the love we have for each other is gigantic.
It’s been only 1 month since I found out, and I already forgave her, but,
at the same time, I have not forgiven myself over not seeing the red flags.
Now, I feel I have to be extra vigilant with her, and she has agreed to disclose all her communications with me as I have,
and we basically don’t leave any room for anyone to be meddling in our relationship.
I want to trust her again, especially since it happened before
the relationship was "real", but, for me, it felt real since day 1.
She says she only did it once or twice a month to finance her studies, but, I don’t know, most days I believe in
her good nature, and other days, I worry a cheater is always a cheater.
I also feel that because it happened before our first kiss, I am being a bit oversensitive, but, I was
faithful for that whole year, and I suffered intensely, anytime I
remember those days she disappeared, the pain comes back almost undiluted.
It seems I'm on the final stages of grief, I’ve had a hard life, and I get
over stuff quick, but, I still feel traumatized and with a little PTSD.
What’s the best way to disengage?
When our arguments start, they go from 0 to 1000 in 2 seconds, and then the blame
game starts, when we are good, is the best, but when we are arguing, is hell.
Too intense.
Too much fire.
And both of us get super hurt very quick if the other is not careful.