Do you own a TV?
Well, you may be surprised to learn that the thing you use to simulate having friends and
chase away your daily feelings of existential dread is also a shopping mall!
That's right, with just a dial of a phone or a click of a mouse, you can buy anything
and everything you've ever wanted — and plenty more crap that no one, anywhere, has ever wanted.
Here are some of the most ridiculous items you can buy from your television.
The Be Quiet Anti-Snore Strap
Have you ever slept next to someone who snored so bad it sounded like he was juggling three
chainsaws, and one of them was on fire?
And did that ever make you wish you could just strap a tight piece of elastic over their
face, making them look like muzzled dog or a high school wrestler?
Well, wish no more: The Be Quiet Anti-Snore Strap is here!
This device will supposedly "reduce the snore" — which is a fancy way to say it doesn't
really do anything.
Right about now, you may be asking how this miracle product works.
It's simple!
It's literally a giant rubber band that you stick on your face to keep your stupid snoring
mouth shut.
And it looks super comfortable, too, so that's a bonus.
The Apple Pro-Peeler
There's no denying that this apple peeler definitely works.
You can see it in action in this QVC demonstration, where these two happy women are shredding
apple skins into ribbons in literally seconds.
The hardest part?
Figuring out which part of the apple is the top, and which part is the bottom.
"And then you kinda know where the bottom is, right?"
"Ah ha."
"So what you have to do is you have to is you have to figure out where the bottom is
and that's what goes on the four pegs."
"Ok."
Once you've got that squared away, it's apple peelin' time!
Of course, let's just ignore the fact that the apple peel is actually where most of the
nutritious fiber in an apple lives.
And that apple peels contain important compounds that improve your lungs and even stave off
Alzheimer's.
And did you know that other compounds in apple peels also aid in your body's fight against
several kinds of cancers?
Well, here's a better question: who cares about any of that dumb science when you can
peel an apple super-fast with that awesome crank?
Cancer-schmancer, right?
"Ok, I have to tell you, I think this is awesome.
It's like apple jump ropes!"
Tater Mitts and Handy Peel
No, they're not a country duo, Tater Mitts and Handy Peel are dishwashing gloves that
look like they have gravel melted into the palms which supposedly enable you to speedily
peel potatoes, carrots, and other foods under running water in seconds.
Pretty cool, right?
Plus, they make you look like some kind of vegetable-obsessed Cookie Monster with a hand-washing
addiction!
Of course, there's one pesky little problem: they don't work.
YouTuber Jack Scalfani tested them on his Cooking with Jack show, and, well, see for yourself:
"Haha. it didn't peel any of it.
It didn't peel one bit."
WaxVac Ear Cleaner
Doctors agree: you can easily damage your ears by using a cotton swab wrong.
So why not try this $6 vacuum that's made in China instead?
Not surprisingly, over 50 percent of the Amazon ratings on this thing give it one star and
range from "it's a garbage" to "total junk."
According to the infomercial, this is how the WaxVac works:
"Wax Vac gently draws dirt particles and moisture out of your ear rather than pushing it in."
They even feature a real-life doctor to bolster their claims.
So how does he describe the awesome benefits of the WaxVac?
"Don't use a cotton swab in your ear, because it can cause significant damage."
That's it.
He doesn't even mention the product he's in a commercial for.
That's not something that should inspire confidence.
The Better Marriage Blanket
Ever wonder why they call a certain kind of fart "silent but deadly"?
It's because they're quiet and they stink, right?
Wellp, it turns out it's actually because all your muffled butt-gases literally break
up marriages:
"It's the problem in the marriage bed that no one likes to talk about.
Maybe that's why they call it 'silent but deadly.'"
It's the Better Marriage Blanket, and it's a magic comforter that soaks up your spouse's
night-farts.
Not only that, but the people selling it compare your husband or wife's butt to actual war
criminals who deploy chemical weapons.
No, seriously, that's not a joke.
That's an actual comparison they make in this commercial:
"But on the inside it contains a layer of activated carbon fabric, they same type of
fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons."
The Better Marriage Blanket supposedly absorbs the each nighttime toot and then, apparently,
holds it there, like, forever.
So sure, you won't smell it, but you'll be snuggled up in a fart sponge until you wash it.
Also, the product name implies that marriages have been ruined over late-night air biscuits,
which means somewhere out there is legal paperwork that cites "his awful butt trumpet" as grounds
for divorce.
Last but not least, the commercial makes one last unbelievable claim:
"It makes a great wedding gift or anniversary gift too!"
That's insane.
Imagine that some deranged wedding guest might ignore your carefully considered registry
and give you a fart-sucking blanket.
Or, even worse: consider the possibility that you might actually receive this on your wedding
anniversary from your spouse, who's basically saying to you, "this year, I want you to know,
your butt stinks like crazy, and I just can't take it anymore."
Skinnies InstantLifts
There's very little mystery to the magic of Skinnies InstantLifts: it's tape.
Literally, it's just a big piece of tape.
But instead of putting it on packages, you put it on your body.
This product only exists because people have either somehow forgotten they have a roll
stashed away with the wrapping paper, or they truly believe that this clear, sticky roll
of plastic is specially formulated to yank arm flab back and up.
It isn't, but it will make you look like a lunatic.
Look at this arm. Bleh. I don't like that one at all. See this one? Now it looks nice and tight. And it's our secret.
It's tape.
It's just tape.
Booty Pop
Once you're done covering your body in giant sheets of tape, here's something else to fix
your inconveniently shaped body: some butt pillows!
Yes, the Booty Pop: small, round pillows sewn into ladies' underpants.
Now, look.
If you were born with a disappointing derriere, and you felt like these enhancements were
just the ticket toward newfound rump confidence, fine.
You do you.
But what happens when your date goes from dinner and dancing to the bedroom?
Sure, you've already hidden your fart-absorbing blanket, but how do you talk your way out
of your fake butt?
Relationships built on lies are bound to fail.
And there are few lies greater than trying to pass off counterfeit buttcheeks as the
real thing.
Donald Trump Chia
It's unclear why the good folks at Chia even attempted this product, because no earthly
seed could grow into a plant that would look remotely close to the 45th president's alien locks.
His unholy tuft of spun gold somehow moves in every direction at once.
It's like one of those 3D pictures where if you stare at it long enough something emerges,
only in this case it's the cold realization that the President of the United States used
to host a reality TV show.
"CH-CH-CH-CHIA!"
Celebrate America, by taking home a terra cotta statue of Donald Trump's face, which
you smear with brown paste and pour water onto.
Finally, he's achieved the kind of Chia immortality we've reserved for other American icons — guys like Garfield and Scooby-Doo.
"I'm with you, the American people!"
God bless America.
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