COUPLES TWO ARE FIGHTING
THINK GIVING EACH OVER THE
SILENT TREATMENT IS NOT REALLY
FIGHTING BUT IT IS HIGHLY TOXIC
IN RELATIONSHIPS.
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP REBOOT
WE ARE FINDING OUT HOW COMMON
THIS BEHAVIOR IS AND HOW TO
AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS.
THE SILENT TREATMENT IS
PERHAPS MORE DAMAGING THAN
PEOPLE WOULD THINK.
EXACTLY.
PEOPLE THINK BECAUSE WE ARE NOT
FIGHTING WE ARE NOT HURLING
ANGRY INSULTS THAT WE ARE NOT
NOT FIGHTING.
BUT THE THING ABOUT THE SILENT
TREATMENT, IT IS A FORM OF.
THE FORM IS WHEN WE WITHDRAW
FROM VERBAL ENGAGEMENT WITH OUR
LOVED ONE.
THERE IS A TONE QUALITY.
WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT TONE
BEFORE.
WHEN YOU DO A SIGNIFICANT
WITHDRAWAL -- GIVING THE COLD
SHOULDER OR STONE WALLING.
IF IT IS TOXIC FOR A
RELATIONSHIP WHY DO WE DO THIS?
IT COMES FROM OUR INABILITY
-- THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE
SILENT TREATMENT -- THE
POSITIVE WAY OF THINKING ABOUT
IS THEY CAN NOT IN THE MOMENT
THINK OF WHAT THEY NEED TO SAY
OR THEY ARE SO TRIGGERED THEY
GET REALLY UPSET.
REASON?
NO.
GENERALLY SPEAKING PEOPLE WHO
GIVE THE SILENT TREATMENT ARE
DOING COERCIVE CONTROL.
THAT MEANS PEOPLE WHO GIVE THE
SILENT TREATMENT ARE DOING IT
TO PUNISH.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT YOU DID
WRONG.
WHICH FALLS INTO MIND READING,
WHICH WE WANT TO AVOID IN
RELATIONSHIPS.
IS THIS DIFFERENT THAN -- I
THINK ABOUT WHEN MY HUSBAND IS
QUIET -- IS THAT DIFFERENT?
YES.
TOTALLY.
REMEMBER, I'M A MARRIAGE AND
FAMILY THERAPIST.
I CAME HOME.
MY HUSBAND SAID SOMETHING ABOUT
SOMETHING I SAID.
HE DIDN'T LIKE IT.
I HAD HAD A REALLY HARD DAY.
I SAID WELL I HAVE HAD A BAD
DAY.
WHAT I SAID WAS -- BECAUSE I
HAD A LOT OF PRACTICE -- I SAID
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS
TOMORROW?
I HAVE HAD A HARD DAY.
I DON'T HAVE THE BANDWIDTH.
NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY WHEN YOU
WANT TO HURT EACH OTHER.
HOWEVER, TAKING A BREAK TO CALM
DOWN IS NOT THE SILENT
TREATMENT.
THAT IS GOOD, IN FACT.
YES.
YOU NEED TO SAY THAT AND BE
CLEAR.
WHEN YOU SAY I HAVE HAD A HARD
DAY, I CAN NOT TALK ABOUT THIS
NOW, LET'S TALK TOMORROW.
WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS
ADDRESSING IT.
YOU MAY NOT RESOLVE IT BUT
THAT'S OKAY.
YOU CAN RESOLVE IT ANOTHER
TIME.
THE SILENT TREATMENT IS
DISCONNECTION.
THE PERSON GIVING THE SILENT
TREATMENT IS TRYING TO GUESS
HOW TO GET ME TO START TALKING
TO ME.
THE OTHER PERSON IS SAYING CAN
WE TALK ABOUT THIS NOW?
I'M FEELING SHUTOUT.
IT CAN BE LONELY WHEN YOU ARE
THE OBJECT OF THE SILENT
TREATMENT.
SOMETIMES I WILL WORK WITH
COUPLES AND ONE WILL SAY WE
DIDN'T TALK FOR FIVE DAYS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
THAT IS A BAD SIGN.
TO ME, THIS SOUNDS
CONTROLLING AND VERY ABUSIVE.
THIS IS EMOTIONAL AND
PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE.
YES.
THERAPISTS AND SOCIAL
SCIENTISTS SAYS IT FALL UNDER
THE CATEGORY OF ABUSE.
ONE PERSON IS HOLDING ALL THE
POWER.
WHAT CAN WE DO TO AVOID IT?
YOU ARE LISTENING AND YOU
ARE THE PERSON DOING THE SILENT
TREATMENT, CONSIDER WHEN YOU
FEEL LIKE YOU MUST SHUTDOWN --