WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
YOU KNOW, HOW FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS YOU'VE BEEN THINKING,
"THERE'S PROBABLY BAD STUFF IN THE MUELLER REPORT THAT MAKES
DONALD TRUMP LOOK TERRIBLE."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THEN THREE WEEKS AGO,
ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR PUT OUT HIS FOUR-PAGE VALENTINE TO
DONALD TRUMP, AND THEN YOU THOUGHT "MAYBE I'M CRAZY."
WELL, IF YOU JUST RETURNED TO THIS DIMENSION FROM THE PHANTOM
ZONE, TODAY THE MUELLER REPORT WAS RELEASED.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU, YOU'RE
NOT CRAZY.
( LAUGHTER ) UNTIL THIS MORNING, NO ONE KNEW
WHAT WAS IN IT.
WE HADN'T READ IT, CONGRESS HADN'T READ IT, AND EVIDENTLY
BILL BARR HADN'T READ IT EITHER.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THERE IS SOME INSANE
(BLEEP) IN HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE DIDN'T LEARN THAT RIGHT
AWAY, BECAUSE, INSTEAD OF JUST RELEASING THE REPORT, SHORTLY
AFTER 9:30 THIS MORNING, BARR HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE FLANKED
BY A GILLETTE RAZOR "BEFORE AND AFTER" PICTURE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IF YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO
HIDE, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SET UP THE REPORT FIRST?
"OFFICER, BEFORE I OPEN THE TRUNK OF THIS CAR, I'D LIKE TO
FIRST GIVE A SHORT SPEECH ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SMELL."
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, WITH I DO THAT?
CAN I DO THAT?
DEMOCRATS WERE NOT HAPPY.
LAST NIGHT HOUSE COMMITTEE CHAIRS DEMANDED THAT BARR
CANCEL HIS PRESS CONFERENCE, SAYING, "LET THE FULL REPORT
SPEAK FOR ITSELF."
GOOD IDEA.
WE'VE ACTUALLY ACQUIRED EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE OF THE REPORT
SPEAKING FOR ITSELF.
>> DONALD TRUMP IS GUI-- RRRRRRRG!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> STEPHEN: HMM, I WONDER WHAT HE'S GOING TO SAY?
AND THE REVIEWS ARE IN ON BARR'S ONE MAN NO COLLUSION
SPECTACULAR -- >> THE ATTORNEY GENERAL SEEMED
ALMOST TO BE ACTING AS THE COUNSELOR FOR THE DEFENSE, FOR
THE-- COUNSELOR FOR THE PRESIDENT, RATHER THAN THE
ATTORNEY GENERAL.
>> THIS FELT A LOT LIKE WE HEARD PRESIDENT TRUMP'S DEFENSE
LAWYER.
>> THE A.G IS NOT THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYER AND HE SEEMS
TO BE ACTING THAT WAY.
>> SOUNDING MORE LIKE THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYER THAN THE
ATTORNEY GENERAL.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S NOT FAIR.
IF BILL BARR WERE THE PRESIDENT'S ATTORNEY, HE'D BE IN
PRISON RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT I'LL GIVE YOU THIS, BARR REALLY SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS
CHANNELING THE PRESIDENT -- >> THERE WAS NO EVIDENCE OF THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN COLLUSION.
NO UNDERLYING COLLUSION.
>> NO COLLUSION.
THERE WAS IN FACT -- NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION,
NO NOTHING.
>> STEPHEN: NOW, MUELLER WAS MADE SPECIAL COUNSEL
SPECIFICALLY TO ANSWER THE QUESTION: "DID THE PRESIDENT
OBSTRUCT JUSTICE?" THAT REQUIRES INTENT, AND BARR
EXPLAINS THERE WAS NO INTENT BECAUSE WHAT SOME MIGHT SEE AS
OBSTRUCTION WAS MERELY THE PRESIDENT LASHING OUT IN
MINDLESS RAGE.
>> THERE IS SUBSTANTIAL EVIDENCE TO SHOW THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS
FRUSTRATED AND ANGERED BY HIS SINCERE BELIEF THAT THE
INVESTIGATION WAS UNDERMINING HIS PRESIDENCY, PROPELLED BY HIS
POLITICAL OPPONENTS AND FUELED BY ILLEGAL LEAKS.
>> STEPHEN: WAIT, WHEN DID FEELINGS BECOME A GET OUT OF
JAIL FREE CARD?
(AS BARR) "SURE, MY CLIENT'S ACTIONS MIGHT
'LOOK' LIKE ARSON, BUT I REMIND YOU, HE WAS FEELING TENSE.
AND WHO DOESN'T RELAX IN FRONT OF A ROARING FIRE?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) ARSON!
ARSON!
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, WHEN HE APPEARED BEFORE
CONGRESS, BARR WASN'T REAL FORTHCOMING ABOUT WHAT WAS IN
THE MUELLER REPORT.
>> I'VE SAID WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY ABOUT THE REPORT TODAY.
I'M NOT GOING TO CHARACTERIZE OR DISCUSS THE CONTENTS OF REPORT.
I WILL LAY IT OUT AFTER THE REPORT IS OUT.
I'M NOT GOING TO COMMENT ON IT.
I'M NOT GOING TO DISCUSS IT ANY FURTHER.
I'M NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING MORE ABOUT IT.
>> STEPHEN: (AS BARR) "IT WOULD BE IRRESPONSIBLE FOR
ME TO TALK PREEMPTIVELY ABOUT THE REPORT.
FOR ALL OTHER QUESTIONS, I REFER YOU TO THE FOUR PAGES I
PREEMPTIVELY WROTE ABOUT THE REPORT."
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
FINE, BUT NOW THAT THE REPORT IS OUT, THERE'S NO HARM IN TAKING A
COUPLE OF QUESTIONS AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE YOU CALLED, RIGHT?
>> IS IT AN IMPROPRIETY FOR YOU TO COME OUT AND SORT OF, WHAT
APPEARS TO BE, SORT OF, SPINNING THE REPORT--
>> LAST QUESTION.
>> -- BEFORE THE PUBLIC GETS A CHANCE TO READ IT?
>> OKAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU!
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
>> STEPHEN: (AS BARR) "I SAID I'D TAKE QUESTIONS.
I NEVER SAID I'D ANSWER THEM!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) AND IF YOU NEEDED ANY MORE PROOF
THAT THIS WAS A THINLY-DISGUISED CAMPAIGN EVENT, THE INSTANT
BARR'S PRESS CONFERENCE ENDED TRUMP TWEETED, THIS GAME OF
THRONES-THEMED IMAGE SAYING "NO COLLUSION.
NO OBSTRUCTION.
FOR THE HATERS AND THE RADICAL LEFT DEMOCRATS-- GAME OVER."
THAT PICTURE, BY THE WAY, IS TRUMP POSING NEXT TO ALL THE
SMOKE THAT WILLIAM BARR JUST BLEW UP HIS ASS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MMM, MMM, LIKE INNOCENCE.
MMM!
( PIANO RIFF ) I SMELL LIKE A BRISKET.
( LAUGHTER ) BARR'S PRESS CONFERENCE WASN'T
THE ONLY DELAY.
THE REPORT ITSELF WAS DELIVERED TO CONGRESS ON C.D.S.
I'M DISAPPOINTED.
EVERYONE KNOWS OBSTRUCTION SOUNDS MORE AUTHENTIC ON VINYL.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, BARR RELEASED THE REDACTED
MUELLER REPORT TO THE WORLD ON A WEBSITE, AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE
SKIPPED A FEW PAGES.
FOR INSTANCE, WE NOW KNOW HOW TRUMP FELT ABOUT MUELLER'S
INVESTIGATION.
WHEN JEFF SESSIONS TOLD TRUMP THAT A SPECIAL COUNSEL HAD BEEN
APPOINTED, "THE PRESIDENT SLUMPED BACK IN HIS CHAIR AND
SAID, 'OH MY GOD.
THIS IS TERRIBLE.
THIS IS THE END OF MY PRESIDENCY.
I'M (BLEEP).'" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S WHAT I SAID AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR PRESIDENCY.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M GUESSING THAT'S NOT HOW AN
INNOCENT PERSON REACTS.
"HONEY, IT'S LATE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"
"OH, MY GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE.
THIS IS THE END OF OUR MARRIAGE.
I'M (BLEEP)!" ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, WHY -- WHY -- WHY DID TRUMP THINK IT WAS TERRIBLE?
BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO MUELLER, EVEN THOUGH HIS REPORT DIDN'T
ESTABLISH COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA, TRUMP WAS WORRIED A
THOROUGH F.B.I. INVESTIGATION WOULD UNCOVER FACTS ABOUT THE
CAMPAIGN AND THE PRESIDENT PERSONALLY THAT THE PRESIDENT
COULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD TO BE CRIMES.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) IN OTHER WORDS, TRUMP PROBABLY
THOUGHT HE BROKE THE LAW, AND NOW HIS PAST WAS COMING FOR HIM.
LIKE IN THAT MOVIE, "I KNOW WHAT I DID LAST SUMMER."
( LAUGHTER ) SPOOKY.
ON THE SUBJECT OF COLLUSION, TRUMP'S "COMPLETE AND TOTAL
EXONERATION" WASN'T REALLY EITHER OF THOSE THINGS.
BECAUSE IT SAYS THE SPECIAL COUNSEL'S INVESTIGATION INTO
POSSIBLE COLLUSION FOUND THAT MEMBERS OF THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN
KNEW THEY WOULD BENEFIT FROM RUSSIA'S ILLEGAL ACTIONS TO
INFLUENCE THE ELECTION, BUT DIDN'T TAKE CRIMINAL STEPS
TO HELP.
YOU KNOW THAT SAYING, "THE ONLY THING NECESSARY FOR THE TRIUMPH
OF EVIL IS THAT GOOD MEN DO NOTHING."
WELL, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN TOOK THAT AS A CHALLENGE.
"HEY, WE DIDN'T HELP...
THEREFORE, WE ARE GOOD MEN.
TRIUMPH!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW WHAT?
UNLESS WHAT HE MEANS IS THEY DIDN'T HELP IN THE CRIME THAT
BENEFITED THEM.
THEY WERE LIKE THE LITTLE DOG ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR WAITING FOR
THE BIG DOG TO KNOCK THE STEAK OF DEMOCRACY OFF THE COUNTER,
AFTER FIRST GOING ON TELEVISION TO SAY --
(AS TRUMP) "BIG DOG, IF YOU ARE LISTENING,
PLEASE RELEASE THE STEAK.
WELL DONE."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE REAL SAVORY DRIPPINGS
OF THIS REPORT LIE IN THE OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE SECTION.
NOW, THERE'S THIS RULING FROM THE 1970'S BY THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT'S OFFICE OF LEGAL COUNSEL, OR O.L.C., THAT SAYS A
SITTING PRESIDENT CAN'T BE INDICTED BECAUSE THE JOB'S
TOO HARD FOR HIM TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.
WAS THAT THE REASON THAT MUELLER REFUSED TO DECIDE WHETHER TRUMP
OBSTRUCTED JUSTICE?
BARR SAID NO.
>> CAN YOU EXPLAIN FOR US THE SPECIAL COUNSEL'S ARTICULATED
REASON FOR NOT REACHING A DECISION ON OBSTRUCTION OF
JUSTICE AND IF IT HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE DEPARTMENT'S
LONG-STANDING GUIDANCE ON NOT INDICT AGO SITTING PRESIDENT?
>> WE SPECIFICALLY ASKED HIM ABOUT THE O.L.C. OPINION AND
WHETHER OR NOT HE WAS TAKING THE POSITION THAT HE WOULD HAVE
FOUND A CRIME BUT FOR THE EXISTENCE TO HAVE THE O.L.C.
OPINION, AND HE MADE IT VERY CLEAR SEVERAL TIMES THAT THAT
WAS NOT HIS POSITION.
>> Stephen: YEAH, MUELLER MADE IT CLEAR SEVERAL TIMES THAT THAT
WASN'T HIS POSITION.
IN FACT, HE SAID IT EVERYWHERE, EXCEPT IN HIS REPORT WHERE HE
SPECIFICALLY CITES THE O.L.C.
OPINION AND THEN WRITES, WE RECOGNIZE THAT A FEDERAL
CRIMINAL ACCUSATION AGAINST A SITTING PRESIDENT WOULD PLACE
BURDENS ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAPACITY TO GOVERN.
SO BARR STOOD UP THERE AND SAID A BALD-FACED LIE.
THE PRESIDENT MUST BE SO PROUD.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"OH, BILLY, YOU'RE LIKE THE SON I NEVER HAD.
WHAT?
THREE?
THAT EXPLAINS THAT GUY WITH MY NAME."
( LAUGHTER ) AND SINCE MUELLER SAYS I CAN'T
MAKE THIS CALL BECAUSE HE'S THE PRESIDENT, BARR TOOK IT UPON
HIMSELF IN HIS MEMO TO SAY, "DIDN'T DO IT.
SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY."
BUT THEN, THIS MORNING, BARR WAS ASKED THIS --
"DID THE SPECIAL COUNSEL INDICATE THAT HE WANTED YOU TO
MAKE THE DECISION OR THAT IT SHOULD BE LEFT FOR CONGRESS?
>> "SPECIAL COUNSEL MUELLER DID NOT INDICATE THAT HIS PURPOSE
WAS TO LEAVE THE DECISION TO CONGRESS.
I HOPE THAT WAS NOT HIS VIEW."
>> Stephen: OH, I HOPE, SO TOO.
BECAUSE IF HE SAID THAT AND THEN YOU MADE THE DECISION ANYWAY,
THAT WOULD BE, IN THE WORDS OF JAMES MADISON FROM FEDERALIST
PAPER 62, "SUPER (BLEEP) UP."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I MEAN, HE'S JUST -- FOUNDING FATHERS.
SMART GUYS.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
I MEAN, IT WOULD REALLY MAKE BARR LOOK LIKE A FECKLESS
STOOGE, IF MUELLER HAD WRITTEN ON PAGE 220, "THE CONCLUSION
THAT CONGRESS MAY APPLY THE OBSTRUCTION LAWS TO THE
PRESIDENT'S CORRUPT EXERCISE OF THE POWERS OF OFFICE ACCORDS
WITH OUR CONSTITUTIONAL SYSTEM OF CHECKS AND BALANCES AND THE
PRINCIPLE THAT NO PERSON IS ABOVE THE LAW."
(AS TRUMP) "LOOK, LOOK --
( APPLAUSE ) -- NO, NO CLAPPING FOR HIM.
I NEVER SAID I WAS ABOVE THE LAW, BOB.
I'M BEHIND THE BARR.
PROTECT ME BILL!
THEY'LL EAT ME ALIVE IN JAIL.
I'M 70% BURGER!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW THERE'S SO MUCH GREAT STUFF IN HERE THAT, WHEN WE
RETURN, I'LL DO MORE MUELLER MONOLOGUE.
STICK AROUND!