we don't live in the 1950s right times
are changing but we do still live in a
world where so much is still left unsaid
there are so many inherited archaic
ideas of what it means to be a man it's
still touchy it's still really
uncomfortable to be vulnerable with
other men but that is why I'm making
this I want to explore the question why
is this still so hard and what can we do
about it
my attempts to decode other men as a way
to better understand what it means for
me to be a man go as far back as my
earliest memories in life I grew up in a
very open household okay it wasn't
traditional in this way and still as a
function of being a part of society a
big part of my education on what it
means to be a straight man is to be
powerful on emotional under control and
you see this in a lot of different
places in human life right but there's
one area where you see a completely
other side of men and that is sports
[Music]
there is something about sports that
feels like it unlocks the key to
entering a parallel universe where all
the normal rules don't apply and it is
in This World of Sports and basically
nowhere else that you see men freely and
openly dance and hug and cry and kiss
each other and just all the things that
you don't normally see some of my very
earliest memories of my dad are of us
watching the World Cup and in fact these
memories go so far back to the very
beginnings of anything that I remember
in this life that I just recall the TV
being on and they're just being two
teams I don't know who playing each
other World Cups over the years Mark the
time of extreme excitement of a lot of
emotion and of time spent together and
it's probably for those reasons that
those memories have stuck all this time
later when I was 13 years old it was the
2010 World Cup final and I watched
Iniesta score the extra time winner and
absolutely lose his mind what I
witnessed was a man achieving in some
ways the Pinnacle of manhood
[Music]
four years later I'm sitting on my
living room couch watching Argentina
lose in that year's World Cup final
against Germany to that incredible Goods
strike
[Applause]
again in extra time and my dad is
sitting there next to me crying my dad
is an emotionally expressive guy more
than I think most dads and still it's
not common for me to see him break down
next to me eight more years later I'm a
full-grown man
and I am jumping in Ecstasy with him in
my arms as Montiel scores the winning
penalty against France at some level on
many levels none of this makes any sense
right we're watching groups of men kick
a ball around against each other men
that we don't know right and we're going
nuts in reaction to it I was witnessing
examples of what it means to be a man
it's come to feel very precious to me
because those open unedited displays of
emotion in the men that are important in
my life are considerably more difficult
to come by
outside of that context outside of the
World of Sports so it's all well and
good when you can jump and cry and
celebrate but not all of life is spent
in stadiums or in front of TVs watching
important matches and if you don't
participate in that world there are
almost no equivalent means of getting to
the same result creating those
connections if you will there's a lack
of vulnerability and it feels like
oftentimes especially in a group of guys
the only two options you have are to
make fun of each other you know like to
tease each other or mess with each other
or to wrestle and I have found I can
really enjoy that sometimes it's a great
way to release stress but there are
certain situations that call for a
different kind of communication that's
where it all gets really tricky and very
quickly you can be not man enough
because you're too emotional or too
sensitive and there's a lot of stigma
and a lot of barriers that exist where
we're not going to go there and because
of this in a lot of the rest of my life
outside of sport words I feel my guard
is up in a lot of situations with other
men I'm not capable of doing the teasing
or wrestling all the time it's something
that I can do sometimes but I have other
needs I felt like I've had to over
correct in the other direction because
already I was in the Arts and already I
was really expressive and sensitive but
it was weird and uncomfortable for other
guys so I put extra effort into making
fun of each other or whatever so that I
could be accepted because it was a fear
of not being understood but it's funny
because even with my own dad it has been
difficult getting to that place breaking
through some of those barriers in an
episode I just released on no backup
plan my podcast which I'll link to in
the description if you want to check out
we explored this exact topic there was a
particular event that took place that
nearly made our relationship fall apart
and it forced us to communicate on a
level we never had before and I want to
share this with you because it has made
me rethink what communicating with other
men can look like together the two of us
went on a six-month work trip through
Latin America which sounded like the
dream you know for a father and son to
shoot these Spanish videos to teach
first-year college students how to speak
the language and it ended up becoming an
absolute train wreck it was a mess how
would you describe that very very first
day on set I was gonna run audio we were
gonna save this was so crazy someone
needed to stop us we needed to stop each
other or something but we were gonna
save on the because the budget started
getting tight have me run audio what's
what's the harm in that we get a couple
lavaliers I see we're gonna direct and
run audio at the same time I had tried
to do audio with you on set before that
using bad equipment this equipment that
you bought weeks prior there were
problems on that first shoot but even
before we went on this trip you hadn't
even checked that yet right you didn't
even know there were problems with the
audio gear no I knew there were problems
and I'm like you know what this is good
enough I was like like in some kind of
like crazy we'll make this work type
mode but this was just the beginning of
me this was just the beginning yeah I
was doing a crappy job of the audio not
directing well there was no story that
first day on set where I make the
discovery that this audio is completely
unusable I am afraid actually for the
first time about the six months ahead of
us because I'm like oh we are in
trouble and that is where I think this
idea of this incredible Voyage
father-son bonding that image begins to
crumble I mean that was just the
beginning it kept getting deeper and
deeper and worse insanely poor
communication on your side you know you
wouldn't let me know about upcoming
problems until they blew up in our faces
throughout those six months and what
that resulted in was an inability to
trust you I felt jumpy around you
because I'm like can he do anything very
quickly I lost a lot of respect for you
after day one or on day two we more or
less decided that I needed to be the one
directing quite early on you started
saying dad maybe you shouldn't direct
maybe that's something you need to give
over to me yeah I could see that was
failing I was just failing really badly
and in front of my son so there's the
father-son thing going on there's the uh
working together professionally thing
going on I'm essentially looking
entirely like a fool
um I'm sorry oh
do not want to talk about this
no I do
damn
it's okay it's okay
I can talk about it I can talk about it
it's just wow that welled up you need to
hit rock bottom sometimes you know it
needs to go to before you can
rebuild something and I think if you're
awake enough and interested enough like
I was fortunately to to go okay what
happened and to have the support of my
therapist which is huge and he kept
saying this was good for you you know
this these ideas you had of being a
director of being special I no longer
think I'm special
and I could
I can feel that part of me you know it's
still in me right some kind of ego part
once to be special but I know I'm not
and that's okay that's okay it's okay to
fail
fail I mean what is failure but to just
to fall apart to fall apart entirely and
go okay who am I really okay I'm
somebody who cares about my
relationships cares about personal
growth and eventually cares to tell
stories in my own unique way you know
how can I be who I really am and then
come through whatever work I do my dad
is showing me that it is possible to
have a more three-dimensional definition
of what it means to be a man in many
ways seeing him break down and seeing
him show this other side of himself this
really emotional side it was the key to
reconnecting it was the only way I think
that we were able to grow past what
happened as you can tell therapy has
played no small part in this whole
dynamic with my dad I really think that
if both of us weren't working on
ourselves none of this would be possible
these kinds of conversations wouldn't be
possible and before I go any further I
want to talk about the sponsor of this
video which is better help better help
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world and it's entirely online I think
even knowing how to express yourself
especially on personal topics is
difficult for everyone but especially
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is challenging and I think therapy is a
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therapist that you feel comfortable with
which is difficult in and of itself but
better help's really good about this
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like anything that helps you introspect
and learn more about yourself is an
incredible investment it's not the sort
of thing that you do just for like three
weeks at least that's not how I see
therapy I've been doing it every single
week for the last four years with no
intention of stopping I've just learned
so much I keep learning about myself if
you are interested in checking them out
you can get 10 off on your first month
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Nathaniel Joe and I'll leave a link in
the description as well thank you better
help for sponsoring this video it is
with your support that I'm able to bring
these videos to life as well as my
podcast now there's a little bit more of
the conversation with my dad that I want
to share with you because there is a
happy ending to this story
in a sense we lost each other I think
you probably felt you lost me and I
actually felt like I lost you
um these are these are intense words it
did feel like losing my dad right
because superhero guy you know that I
looked up to growing up I'm seeing him
just fall apart before my eyes and it
was just so difficult here I am just
like I can't handle hanging around you
because I'm angry at you because my idea
of you is falling apart I want you to be
this guy I look up to and at that time
it could it couldn't be that yeah I
struggled a lot with this idea that I
was losing my dad but what was happening
was really a gift because what was
falling apart in front of me wasn't my
dad it was an idea I had about men a
standard of manhood that I have tortured
myself chasing down where you always
have to prove your strength and
masculinity I wanted my dad to be
superhuman because I was scared of the
alternative which is that all men are
three-dimensional creatures and we all
have our personal to work out I
didn't lose my dad I lost a complete be
unfounded completely impossible idea of
what it means to be a man the definition
of masculinity that erases all
vulnerabilities and character flaws
forever having to prove how strong you
are is not strong it's fragile no one is
outwardly strong all the time real
strength is what you
when you've been knocked down the
vulnerability to look within and grow
that is something I feel my dad has
shown me in these last few years I could
tell you were not gonna just move on and
pretend nothing had happened the work
that you did with the therapist was huge
that was a real Declaration of your
commitment to Growing from this whole
thing small changes took place and then
big changes took place for me I think
what matters more is the energy behind
it right but selling the house in the
United States and leaving the courage to
actually do it and the drive and the
energy that that I know that took yeah
oh yeah those were actions that spoke
infinitely louder than any words you
could have ever told me right and I'm
seeing you guys behave in this way that
I do respect you know it didn't it
didn't have to be leaving the country
but what I liked was the courage what I
liked was the commitment to living more
intentionally and learning from all
these experiences and my view of you did
tremendously shift and what has a
natural consequence of that is I enjoy
hanging out with you more right again
and here we are seeing each other every
few weeks and I want to have this
podcast conversation with you and all of
a sudden I'm showing you in all these
videos because it feels natural it
doesn't feel forced and I think it's
because we both over the last five years
did a lot of personal work people don't
understand that you have to do that work
to have the relationships they're seeing
in these videos right yeah they wonder
how do I how do I get that what's the
secret sauce the secret sauce you gotta
look internally if you
do the internal stuff it shows up
externally in how you attract your
children or how you relate to the people
around you again if you're interested in
checking out the full conversation which
came out incredible I'll leave a link to
it in the description it's available
already on our backup plan
we have a chance to rework definitions
to push back against the harmful
non-communication that has been the
status quo for so long I believe the
Journey of being a man is one that
requires courage a courage to push back
against what you think others want you
to be and instead to simply be what you
are thank you Dad for showing me that
there's a lot more to being a man
foreign