WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BETWEEN RUSSIA AND UKRAINE, AS VLADIMIR PUTIN CONTINUES HIS
NAKED AGGRESSION.
NAKED FROM THE WAIST UP.
IS
RUSSIA HAS HAD TROOPS MASSED AT THE BORDER FOR MONTHS, AND
RUSSIAN OFFICIALS, LIKE SERGEY LAVROV AND TUCKER CARLSON, HAVE
BEEN SAYING, "IT'S JUST A MILITARY EXERCISE."
AND THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS BEEN WARNING, "THAT'S ALL
LIES.
NOBODY MASSES THREE-QUARTERS OF THEIR STANDING ARMY ON THE
BORDER OF A COUNTRY THEY SAID DOESN'T EXIST AND THEN DOESN'T
INVADE."
AND TONIGHT, YOU REALLY GET A VIBE RIGHT NOW THAT
THE BORSCHT IS ABOUT TO HIT THE FAN.
SO DON'T FORGET, AFTER THE SHOW, STICK AROUND FOR "RYAN
SEACREST'S ROCKIN' WORLD WAR III EVE."
HERE'S WHAT'S TRANSPIRED IN THE LAST 24 HOURS.
IMMEDIATELY AFTER PUTIN UNILATERALLY DECLARED THAT TWO
BREAKAWAY UKRAINIAN PROVINCES WERE NOW INDEPENDENT NATIONS,
THE RUSSIAN MILITARY MOVED INTO DONETSK.
THAT IS SHOCKING.
1,490 RUBLES FOR AN IRON?!
( LAUGHTER )
KOPEKS.
THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING, BECAUSE TODAY, THE U.S. WARNED
THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENT THAT THE LATEST INTELLIGENCE POINTS
TO A FULL-SCALE RUSSIAN INVASION IMMINENTLY.
THEIR FIRST CLUE?
THE 190,000 TROOPS WITH THE BANG-BANG STICKS AND THE
ALL-STEEL SHOOT-MOBILES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT WARNING COURTESY OF THE U.S. STATE DUH-PARTMENT.
SURE ENOUGH, THIS AFTERNOON WE LEARNED THAT RUSSIA MOVED NEARLY
100% OF ITS TROOPS INTO INVASION-READY POSITION.
OF COURSE, WE CAN SEE ALL THIS WITH OUR SATELLITES.
NO ONE DOESN'T SEE WHAT'S COMING.
BUT THE KREMLIN HAS CLAIMED THAT REBEL LEADERS IN EASTERN UKRAINE
HAVE ASKED RUSSIA FOR MILITARY HELP TO FEND OFF UKRAINIAN
AGGRESSION.
YES, THEY SAY UKRAINE IS THE AGGRESSOR, JUST LIKE TOKYO WAS
ASKING FOR IT BY TAUNTING GODZILLA.
( LAUGHTER )
ZELENSKY DECLARED A 30-DAY STATE OF EMERGENCY, CALLING UP ALL
MILITARY RESERVISTS BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 AND 60.
WOW.
18 AND 60.
AS A 57-YEAR-OLD MYSELF, LET ME JUST SAY I'M FLATTERED, BUT
REALLY?
THERE'S A REASON I DON'T RUN OUT HERE ANYMORE, BECAUSE RIGHT
AROUND HERE, MY SUPPLY LINES START TO BREAK DOWN.
A PLATOON OF 60-YEAR-OLDS MAKES NO SENSE.
THE RUSSIANS WILL HEAR OUR KNEES POPPING FROM A MILE AWAY
( APPLAUSE )
THEY'RE GONNA KEEP LEAVING THE BATTLEFIELD TO PEE, AND WHERE
ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO PLUG IN THEIR WATER PICS AND CPAP
MACHINES?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DO THE UKRAINIAN MILITARY TENTS EVEN HAVE WALK-IN BATH TUBS.
ALSO, THE UKRAINIAN GOVERNMENT WILL NOW ALLOW ORDINARY
CIVILIANS TO CARRY FIREARMS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THE SITUATION IS SO DIRE-- UKRAINE HAS BECOME TEXAS.
IS
( APPLAUSE )
DON'T MESS WITH UKRAINE.
YOU DON'T MESS WITH UKRAINE.
PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS ALREADY STARTED MAKING PUTIN PAY FOR
HIS INVASION IMPOSING SANCTIONS ON TWO OF RUSSIA'S MOST
PROMINENT BANKS.
AND ON A MORE PERSONAL NOTE, TWO OF PUTIN'S CLOSEST OFFICIALS
SANCTIONING THE SONS OF TWO OF PUTIN'S CLOSEST OFFICIALS.
IF HE'S GOING AFTER THE CHILDREN OF PUTIN'S CRONIES, CAN I
SUGGEST A COUPLE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
I WOULD LOVE IT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
PERSONALLY-- >> Jon: THERE THEY GO.
THERE THEY GO.
>> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE IT, ESPECIALLY LATER IN THE SUMMER.
RUSSIA'S ACTING NONCHALANT.
THEIR AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S.
TWEETED, "IT IS HARD TO IMAGINE THAT SOMEONE IN #WASHINGTON IS
COUNTING ON-- RUSSIAN FLAG EMOJI-- TO REVISE ITS FOREIGN
POLICY UNDER THE THREAT OF SANCTIONS.
I DON'T REMEMBER A SINGLE DAY WHEN OUR COUNTRY LIVED WITHOUT
ANY RESTRICTIONS FROM THE WESTERN WORLD."
"SANCTIONS, SHMANCTIONS.
GREAT RUSSIAN PEOPLE LOVE SUFFERING.
WE DON'T NEED DECADENT WESTERN APPLE PHONE.
I TYPE THIS TWEET ON ACTUAL POTATO PHONE.
( LAUGHTER )
IT IS MY FRIEND THE DICTATOR.
I KID.
THERE IS NO ONE THERE.
IS POTATO."
( LAUGHTER )
SOME PEOPLE--
ED SOME PEOPLE WERE DISAPPOINTED
THAT THE SANCTIONS WEREN'T HARSHER.
UKRAINE'S FOREIGN MINISTER TWEETED, "TO STOP PUTIN FROM
FURTHER AGGRESSION, WE CALL ON PARTNERS TO IMPOSE MORE
SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA NOW.
FIRST, DECISIVE STEPS WERE TAKEN YESTERDAY, AND WE ARE GRATEFUL
FOR THEM.
NOW THE PRESSURE NEEDS TO STEP UP TO STOP PUTIN.
HIT HIS ECONOMY AND CRONIES.
HIT MORE.
HIT HARD.
HIT NOW.
IS THIS GUY A FOREIGN MINISTER OR KIEV'S MORNING D.J.?
"HIT MORE.
HIT HARD.
AND KEEP THOSE HITS COMING!
HITS FROM THE 80s, 90s, AND TODAY!
UP NEXT, IT'S A ZEPPELIN ROCK BLOCK ON SANCTIONS AT 7!
YOU'RE LISTENING TO WUKR WITH CRAZY DIMITRI AND THE BEAR!
RAWR!"
♪ I DON'T WANT TO WORK I JUST WANT TO BANG ON THE DRUM
ALL DAY ♪ THE U.S. ACKNOWLEDGES THAT
SANCTIONS DIDN'T GO AS FAR AS THEY COULD HAVE GONE, BUT THIS
IS JUST THE FIRST TRANCHE.
IF PUTIN ESCALATES HIS AGGRESSION, THE ADMINISTRATION
IS CONSIDERING FAR STIFFER PENALTIES, INCLUDING BLOCKING
RUSSIA FROM ACCESS TO THE U.S.
DOLLAR.
OH, REALLY?
BET YOU'D LIKE TO GET YOUR HANDS ON THIS, WOULDN'T YOU, VLAD?
WANT ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND GEORGE?
MMM, SMELLS LIKE WOODEN TOOTH.
MMM.
( LAUGHTER )
SHAKE IT UP FOR DADDY, VLADDY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JUMP ON THE SANCTION BUS, INCLUDING CANADA, JAPAN, AND
AUSTRALIA.
OH, YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH THE AUSSIES, BECAUSE THEY'RE
GONNA SEND THIS GUY.
( LAUGHTER )
THE KANGAROO-- >> Jon: MAN, COME ON, MAN
>> Stephen: SO IT LOOKS LIKE PUTIN'S GONNA START A DEADLY
GROUND WAR THAT WILL TRIGGER STEEP SANCTIONS, AND NO DOUBT
CAUSE PAIN FOR THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE.
SO WHY IS HE DOING IT?
SOME ANALYSTS THINK HE'S GOT COVID-INDUCED PARANOIA.
AND I GET IT.
I MEAN, AT ONE POINT, AT THE HEIGHT OF THE PANDEMIC, I
STARTED TO THINK THAT EVIE HAD WATCHED THE NEXT EPISODE OF
"BRIDGERTON" WITHOUT ME, AND I FIRED HEAVY ARTILLERY INTO THE
BREAKFAST NOOK.
( LAUGHTER )
STANDS IN SOLIDARITY OPPOSING PUTIN WITH THE POSSIBLE
EXCEPTION OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, ESPECIALLY THEIR DEAR
LEADER, FORMER PRESIDENT SUPER CALLOUS FRAGILE RACIST SEXIST
NAZI POTUS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
I'LL TAKE IT.
>> Jon: MARY POPPIN'S FANS.
>> Stephen: YESTERDAY, HE WAS THE FOURTH CALLER ON SOME RADIO
SHOW, AND HE WAXED AUTOCRATIC ABOUT THE RUSSIAN LEADER:
>> I WENT IN YESTERDAY, AND THERE WAS A TELEVISION SCREEN,
AND I SAID, "THIS IS GENIUS."
>> Stephen: YES, HE COULDN'T BELIEVE IT: HOW DO THEY GET
THE PEOPLE IN THERE?
( LAUGHTER )
IS.
>> PUTIN DECLARES IT AS INDEPENDENT.
IT THAT'S WONDERFUL.
SO PUTIN IS SAYING IT'S INDEPENDENT, A LARGE SECTION OF
UKRAINE.
I SAID HOW SMART IS THAT HAD?
>> Stephen: WE HAVEN'T SEEN A PRESIDENT CHEER ON THE
RUSSIANS THIS HARD SINCE THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS WHEN
EISENHOWER WORE THE T-SHIRT, "KHRUSHCHEV IS A ZADDY!"
THEN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ADMIRATION TOOK AN EVEN STRANGER
TURN: >> AND HE'S GONNA GO IN AND BE A
PEACEKEEPER.
THAT'S THE STRONGEST PEACE FORCE.
WE COULD USE THAT ON OUR SOUTHERN BORDER.
>> Stephen: SO, HE WANTS MOSCOW TO INVADE MEXICO?
"OKAY, YOU HEARD THE MAN.
LET'S GAS UP THE TANKS AND GO ANNEX CANCUN.
I'M GOING TO RENAME IT 'COMRADE FROG'S.'
SHOTS!
START FIRING THE SHOTS!" IN OTHER--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SURE.
IN OTHER ALARMING NEWS, FLORIDA, WHERE THE G.O.P. HAS ADVANCED
ITS "DON'T SAY GAY" BILL IN THE HOUSE.
( AUDIENCE BOOS )
FLORIDA'S L.G.B.T.Q. COMMUNITY, AND ITS KARAOKE BARS.
( AS EMCEE )
'SEXUAL HEALING' BY MARVIN REDACTED."
( LAUGHTER )
THIS BILL, WHICH THE REPUBLICANS CALL THE "PARENTAL RIGHTS IN
EDUCATION" BILL, STIPULATES THAT CLASSROOM INSTRUCTION ON SEXUAL
ORIENTATION OR GENDER IDENTITY MAY NOT OCCUR IN KINDERGARTEN
THROUGH THIRD GRADE.
NOT MENTIONING GENDER IDENTITY COULD MAKE IT HARD TO START
CLASS: "GOOD MORNING, BOYS AND GIRLS...
AAAND I'M FIRED."
( LAUGHTER )
OF FOURTH GRADE IS GONNA GET SUPER INTERESTING:
"ALL RIGHT. BRANDON, SHUT THE DOOR.
THERE'S A WHOLE LOTTA COOL STUFF WE'VE BEEN KEEPING FROM YOU
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OR I'M--
THAT'S GOOD.
THIS BILL WOULD ALSO GIVE PARENTS THE POWER TO SUE
VIOLATORS.
I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, PARENTS, BUT WHOEVER'S TRYING TO
SUE A TEACHER IS GOING TO BE SUPER DISAPPOINTED.
"I'M GONNA SUE YOU FOR ALL YOU'VE GOT!
I'M TAKING YOUR STUBBY GLUE STICKS AND EVERY LAST ONE OF
YOUR COPIES OF "RED BADGE OF COURAGE" THAT YOU HAD TO BUY
YOURSELF!
THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO TEACH!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE THE HOSTS OF SHOWTIME'S "THE CIRCUS."
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF STEPHEN COLBERT'S
"ROMAN-SPLAINING."
♪ ♪ ♪