All right, let's play some shitty games now. I have three games here based on the Indiana Jones Trilogy
Trilogy oh
Shit, there's a fourth movie coming out yeah tomorrow in fact for 19 years we've been calling it the Indiana Jones
Trilogy, but now it's the last day when we could actually call it that now. I'm psyched
I mean you [could] just tell I'm already so to celebrate the occasion
Let's pop this fucker in Raiders of the lost ark on Atari 2600
the first thing that happens you see, Indiana jones descending from some kind of Escalator and then
Nothing you try every [button] and by every button
I mean one you rock the joystick all around you flick every possible switch and nothing happens is the game broken or did I already?
Find the ark and that's the end of the game pretty easy
I must say
But guess what you're supposed to plug the controller into the second port now the game begins, and you can move indy yeah
Isn't that weird but even more fucked up you need two controllers to play the game?
Controller one selects items with the joystick and drops items with the button
Controller two moves indy with the joystick and uses items with the button once you figure that [out] you think you're all set
But no the confusion has only begun you wander around the marketplace
Yeah, that's what it is. But you never know that unless you read about it. You collect items from baskets now
Let me show you this is the gun
Makes sense right you see the little bullet flying out now let me show you the whip
This is the whip it's the same as the gun just a shorter range
Why is it just a dot I know the graphics on the atAri are limited, but don't tell me you can't draw a line
So after leaving this innocent marketplace you end up falling and then there's some tall crazy guy in black chasing you around
Who is he what is [he] [is] he from the movie could it be him
[I] don't know, but you walk all the way the bottom with this guy pestering you only to find a dead end
So you go all [the] way back up to the top which just brings you back to the [market] [place]
There's nowhere left to go, but back up where you started, [but] there's snakes on the edge of the screen just waiting for you
So it's impossible to go up without getting killed fucking snakes
I hate them
But here's what you can do go to the merchant select the bag of gold and drop it which
Exchanges it for the flute when you have the flute selected it plays a tune which keeps the snakes from killing you
That's a lot of faith to put in the gamer for you to know that this is a merchant. That's a bag of gold
That's a flute and you use it to keep snakes away
But anyway, you'll find that you can't go anywhere beyond these three screens
You'll explore every last corner and exhaust every possibility where you're supposed to go, but guess what see this thing
That's a grenade [you] put the grenade next to the right-hand wall you leave the screen then you come back
And there's a nice big hole [in] the wall
Okay
First of all you'd have to know how to use the grenade you can't drop it like we did with the bag of gold you
Got to use the right controller otherwise the bomb just goes away and nothing happens [so] [dropping]
It isn't the same as activating it, but besides
How would you know to bomb a hole in the wall even [in] a Zelda game?
There's usually some [sort] of clue, but here. There's nothing
So you go through the caves
You collect all kinds of weird items
You can't even tell what they are
You end up in some sort [of] trap you have to whip your way through the walls which is easier said than done and you
Come out and then you find that you can't touch the walls in this room if even a single
Pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls it sends you back in the trap
But still where do you go?
You're supposed to touch this one spot [on] the wall which leads you to the next room well
After knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room
Why the fuck would you even consider trying to go through the wall is there ever such a thing as a door?
Also in order to access certain parts of the game it depends on how you move to the next screen here
We've already seen that when you go down [like] normal you fall and end up in this weird place
They call the valley of poison
But if you gently carefully just ease your way down it takes you to a whole
different screen
Then there's a weird treasure room where you have to keep swapping items you leave the room
You come back into the room
you drop this pick [up] that swap this exchange that till finally you get all the items you need of course each item is just
Trial and error to figure out what they do and we're in the game you use them like [the] hourglass or the ankh
You to summon a little dot that bounces around [it's] supposed to be a grappling hook
You hit the right controller button and time it when the dot goes over an island then you'll appear on that island you'd expect
Indiana Jones to use a whip to swing across but not an hourglass that turns into a grappling hook
By this point. I also really have to say using two controllers is a pain in [the] ass unless you're goro
I'd recommend two sets of hands or two players
Then you get to this part where you need to stand in a certain place for this map to appear well like in the movie
You need to select the key to enter you need the clock to tell you when the sun is rising you need the medallion
So the sun can shine at the right time and [mark] the [spot] in the map where you have to find a shovel to dig
for the ark
Wow
How complicated can [it] be for an Atari game let alone that this is one of the few atari games that you can actually beat?
Whereas most of them are just about trying to get a high score, and when I say can be beat
That's hypothetical because honestly I think it'd be easier [to] find the real lost ark
Just the fact that you have to feel around for secret passageways and stuff that makes you feel like Indiana Jones
Well, they got me there next up is temple of doom
Based off the second movie, Indiana Jones and the temple of doom was an arcade game
Which was Ported to many home computers?
Before eventually arriving on the Nintendo entertainment system
There are two versions and unlicensed black cartridge byte engine and an official release by mindscape
Although both versions are [the] same game the game begins indy walks from one K to the next [then]
What's going on here? What the hell? Oh no, not this [again]? Oh, [it's] select. It's one of those games
Where select is start? What's up with Indiana jones. [he] looks like a park ranger, [and] he walks like you just dumped ass
Alright, so basically you're [just] [going] around rescuing little kids see there's a little kid you get a little kid and then you go to
Get the sword [oh] my God another sword. Oh another sword. Oh my God this little cave here is awfully generous
All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff
But the big question is what do you do with them the start button brings up this screen which [shows] your supply?
How do you select your weapons try every button and nothing works? So what's the point of this screen nothing?
It's just for shits and giggles. [oh] well
We're having fun with our whip in the mean time
But then you find that your whip is pretty useless you can use it to swing around and kill small insects
But any of the regular bad guys it only makes them jitter around and grunt you
should be a Dance oh
Come on. This is ridiculous [by] now. You're wondering where the fuck [are] my weapons well
here's how it works
You hold the select button
While [pressing] right for the sword left for the gun up for the bomb and down for the whip on top of just being awkward
It's impossible when you're in a tight situation and have to switch real fast
There's no way to pause the game and then switch weapons you have to do it during the action if you're on a conveyor belt
There's no way you're gonna mess around unless you want to fall off and die that's my biggest gripe with this game
I've never heard of such a back-ass dim-witted idiotic lame-brained way to switch weapons, but at least you only use one controller
There's also a serious problem going on with the jumping whenever you jump you
Gravitate towards the bottom of the screen you're constantly fighting against it with the D-Pad at first. I didn't understand
what was [going] on but now I kind of see what they are trying to do the cliffs the
Platform's the conveyor Belts everything's descending as you go down like you're on the side of the mountain
So whenever you jump natural you drop, but you're sort of looking at it from a bird's eye perspective
But no wait are these doors actually just rectangular holes in the ground is, Indiana Jones?
walking or is he crawling or
Huh?
I
Don't know. I don't have a fucking clue. It's like they couldn't decide if they were making a 3d or a 2D platformer
So what you get is like a hybrid
Anyway, the big problem is figuring out where you're supposed to go some called a platformer game some called an adventure game
[I] classify it as a where the fuck do I go kind of game. Yeah one of those it's dreadful
All you do is jump around you go indoors and you jump around [somewhere]?
You jump around you jump around the stages don't really progress much everything looks the same it almost seems like I'm doing laps
but wait
Yeah, how did I get here [again]? You want to know why because the damn [stages] cycle over and over again?
Let me draw it out. It's like okay. Here's the stage you know all the cliffs the doors Lava pits
All that bullshit anyway for example if you go all the way down here
You don't hit a wall or any kind of boundary you just come out up here
But without any indication that you've done, so what kind of bullshit is [that] everything looks the [same] anyway?
So it only makes an already confusing game even more confusing who would want to play this rather drink buffalo
Shiz [it's] a combination shouldn't jizz yeah, it's a foul. I apologize
You know there's a major Paradox going on here. If you keep jumping down you're basically coming out the top again
Yeah
You follow it's kind of like a never ending staircase even einstein would be baffled by how this game breaks the laws of physics
Just the fact that this game was made the way it is it's a shit stain on the fabric in Nature another thing
I hate is whenever you get hit usually by a
Stupid bat or [something] you end up going apeshit like indies having a seizure or something it stuns you for a few seconds
But if it happens on a conveyor belt, [you're] fucked [you're] going over the edge
How did I die look at this? I [jump] [down] I land on the conveyor belt and I'm
You mean from sticking my toe in the very very very edge of this Lava pit
try again
Kiss my ass. I hate this game. It's fucking horrible
Next up, Indiana Jones and the last crusade
you
Indiana Jones and the last crusade is another strange case
It was originally released by tato
But then came a completely different version by ubisoft did we really need two games based on the same movie on the same console
Especially when the later ones a steaming pile of pig shit
How bad is it well?
Let's begin with the first thing you see the graphics while the animation is pretty decent on Indie why is there this choppy?
Outline around his body, and where's the color everything's in monochrome?
It's like something you'd see on Gameboy indies in like a sepia tone while the backgrounds range from yellow to green
What happened even the game gear version had more color and that was a handheld console?
So when the game begins you immediately take damage from everything in sight even when you fall off the rope some mysterious
Force hits you on your way down
Then you get shot at while you're wondering where's my whip is this all you can do is just punch
How am I supposed to fight a guy with a gun with my?
Fists you think you can just take the platform and go over them
But no, you come to a dead end with a little narrow opening just to tease you know you can't crawl
I tried and you can't jump down either
So it's all the way back to the guy with the gun you got to get near them without touching them and still it takes
Quite a few punches to put them down and this is just one guy
There's a million of them next thing you come to a small body of water you can't touch it
Or you die just keep jumping on the ropes
Fuck oh my God get back on the rope. What the hell like
ah
[how] is Indiana Jones [such] a wimp that he can't set foot [in] water more shallow than a kiddy pool?
All the way through the games without Mercy
And it doesn't help to not have a whip and why is there always have to be a fucking time limit?
Once you get to the first level boss any sane person would shut the game off
Just look I have to fight a guy with a long-range weapon with my bare fists
Once you get the pattern down
you're able to step in take a few jabs and step back while avoiding the
Stalactites at the same time and look how much damage it takes when you punch him in
a fucking joke
Dumbass he's made this game should have sent it to the Marx [brothers]
Halfway [through] the second level you finally get this weird item in the back your mind you think what is that [a] whip or something?
No by this point
You don't even expect the whip to be in the game, but yeah, this is the whip you just have to select it
That's all why would you not want to select the whip?
So now you're in complete shock thinking yourself. [oh], I get it now like in the movie. He doesn't get the whip [til]
He's on the train, but whoa whoa. Let's talk about the story as the game begins [it] just says exploring the caves
That's it it
Doesn't tell you why you're exploring the caves, but before you can [complete] each level you need to find certain items here
It's a cross
so
Okay
is this supposed to be the opening scene in the movie where he's young boy scout Indy and why is he have the jacket and
Hat in the third level. He's in the catacombs looking for stone tablets and in the fourth level
He's in the castle looking for the pages of his father's diary
So the whole game is loosely based around scenes from the movie, but the whole time. It's the same adult indeed
So here's the bottom line [either] follow the movie or just give me the goddamn whip
This is great right you remember when Indy fought an archer on the train?
On you Gotta be kidding. [oh], man. Just died oh
God oh my God
You think Indiana Jones would have been a great concept for a side-scroller game, but they just kept fucking it up
How'd they do this? It's ass
But here's one. Which was actually pretty decent
So let's take a quick look
Indiana Jones greatest Adventures is exactly what you'd expect of a movie based game on Super Nintendo
You move from left to right and kill a bunch of bad guys with your whip it's more
self-exPlanatory than most of the previous schemes which makes it easy to pick up and play and
Thank God. It has a password system with only four characters making it easy to continue
Where you left off best of all the stages all follow scenes from the movies that's right from Raiders to crusade
One thing I find funny is that the final boss of the [game] is the Skeleton?
You know when [donovan] drinks the wrong [grail] kind of reminds me of a castlevania game?
Overall Lucasarts gave the same care and attention to the franchise as they did with their star wars trilogy except here
They're all rolled into one game same as me combining three reviews into one, but hey now. I'm pushing [four] so let's end this thing