( APPLAUSE )
EVERYBODY.
GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE BAND AND MR. JOE WALSH!
MY GOODNESS!
( APPLAUSE )
AMAZING PEOPLE OUT HERE TONIGHT.
WE HAVE THE ONE, THE ONLY, MR. BEN STIRL IS GOING TO BE OUT
HERE IN JUST A MOMENT.
>> Louis: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ACTOR, WRITER, DIRECTOR, COMEDIAN DIRECTOR OF
THE NEW SERIES "SEVERANCE," NOMINATED FOR 14 EMMYS, COMING
OUT HERE.
AND WONDERFUL COMEDIAN D'ARCY CARDEN WILL BE OUT HERE A LITTLE
BIT LATER.
>> Louis: YEAH!
>> Stephen: BUT OF COURSE, OF COURSE, OUR FIRST GUEST THIS
EVENING ALL WEEK IS MR. JOE WALSH RIGHT OVER THERE.
( APPLAUSE )
A LITTLE ENERGY.
YOU'RE BRINGING SOME OXYGEN INTO THE ROOM SIR.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
AND AND I HAVE 'OMETHING IN COMMON, FRIENDO, AND THAT IS--
CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS PHOTO?
WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT THERE?
WHAT'S HAPPENING THERE?
>> WELL, I RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1980.
>> Stephen: I RAN FOR FROM THE 2007.
HOW DID YOURS GO?
>> UH, WELL, THERE WAS ABOUT 20 CONFIRMED VOTES.
( LAUGHTER )
CONFIRMED VOTES.
DID YOU CONTEST-- DID YOU CONTEST THE ELECTION.
>> I WANTED A RECALL, BUT THEY DIDN'T DO THAT BACK THEN.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR PLATFORM, JOE?
>> FREE GAS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YOU GET ELECTED, BABY.
YOU GET ELECTED NOW.
>> VOTE FOR ME!
FILL HER UP!
WHAT WAS YOUR PLATFORM?
>> Stephen: I GOTTA ASK, HOW OLD ARE YOU HERE?
BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT TO BE 35 YEARS OLD TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
>> OH, I WAS 35.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU SAY-- WOULD YOU SAY THAT UNDER OATH,
JOE?
>> SURE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE!
>> Stephen: GOOD ENOUGH.
NOW, FOLKS, I LOVE SPACE.
I WISH MY CLOSET HAD MORE OF IT.
SO, TONIGHT, I'M BRINGING YOU THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF...
"SPACE NEWS!" FIRST UP ON "SPACE NEWS":
( APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT!
( LAUGHTER )
FRIEND.
IT'S ALWAYS CONSPONTANEOUS.
ALL THIS CLAPPING IS ALWAYS SPONTANEOUS.
FIRST UP: MOON CITY NEWS!
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: A TEAM AT KYOTO
UNIVERSITY IN JAPAN DROPPED A NEW CONCEPT FOR A CITY ON THE
MOON THAT IS A SUSTAINABLE AND COMPLETELY HABITABLE ENVIRONMENT
FOR HUMANS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CITY.
WOW, IT'S GOT TREES, IT'S GOT WATER, IT'S GOT GRASS.
THE ONLY DOWNSIDE IS, IT COMES PRE-POPULATED BY THE
GHOSTS OF THE PEOPLE WHO DIED BUILDING IT.
ANOTHER PART OF THE PROPOSAL TEASES A HEXAGON SPACE TRACK
THAT COULD SERVE AS A BULLET-TRAIN-STYLE TRAVEL LINK
BETWEEN THE EARTH, THE MOON, AND MARS.
GREAT, SO MARS IS GOING TO GET HIGH-SPEED RAIL BEFORE AMERICA.
I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO BE PISSED IF I FIND OUT JUPITER HAS
UNIVERSAL PRE-P NEXT UP, CURED SPACE MEAT!
>> ( PIG SQUEALING )
LAST WEEK, ETIENNE KLEIN, A FRENCH PHYSICIST, HAD A LITTLE
FUN ON TWITTER, POSTING THIS PHOTO, WHICH HE LABELED "PROXIMA
CENTAURI, THE NEAREST STAR TO THE SUN, TAKEN BY THE JAMES WEBB
TELESCOPE," WHICH HE LATER REVEALED WAS ACTUALLY JUST A
SLICE OF CHORIZO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, IN HIS DEFENSE, HE WAS JUST POINTING OUT WHEN THE MOON HITS
YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE THAT'S A-STRONOMY.
AND IT'S FITTING.
THE ONLY THING MORE MYSTERIOUS THAN THE ORIGIN OF THE UNIVERSE
IS WHAT'S IN CHORIZO.
I'M GUESSING, CRUSHED RED PEPPER AND EAR LOBE?
I DON'T CARE, IT'S DELICIOUS.
BUT HE FELT BAD BECAUSE HE USUALLY RESERVES HIS TWITTER
FEED FOR HARD SCIENCE, SAYING, "I FEEL COMPELLED TO CLARIFY
THAT THIS TWEET SHOWING AN ALLEGED SNAPSHOT OF PROXIMA
CENTAURI WAS A FORM OF AMUSEMENT.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE MADE A JOKE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
REALLY?
FIRST TIME.
GOT TO SAY, THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD FIRST JOKE.
AND I HOPE HE EXPLAINS WHAT NUMBER JOKE HE'S TELLING EACH
TIME HE TELLS ONE.
"ZEES EES THE SECOND TIME I HAVE MADE A JOKE.
NOW, PLEASE PREPARE FOR MY THIRD JOKE.
BUT I MUST WARN YOU, MONSIEURS ET MADAMES, IT REGARDS THE
MYSTERY OF WHY A CHICKEN WOULD HAVE SUCH A CAVALIER ATTITUDE
TOWARD TRAFFIC SAFETY."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).
>> WE DRIVE ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE GALAXY.
>> Stephen: THE FIRST ROCKET TO LAUNCH FROM U.K. SOIL WILL BLAST
OFF LATER THIS SUMMER.
AND IF THE QUEEN HAS ANY SAY IN THE MATTER, PRINCE ANDREW
WILL BE ON IT.
( LAUGHTER )
HOPES THAT THE SPACEPORT WILL BE A SIGNIFICANT BOOST TO THE
ECONOMY OF CORNWALL.
AND I HAVE HIGH HOPES THAT THIS WILL LEAD TO CHARMING ENGLISH
SPACE NAMES LIKE: COMETSBOTTOM.
SHROPSFORD UPON NEPTUNE.
AND, THE BENEDICT CUMBERBELT.
FOLKS, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BEN STILLER.