With the world on edge,
people are looking to their leaders
for reassurance and answers.
Unfortunately, we have him.
So, last night, the president held an emergency live address
from the Oval Office to calm the nation down
and to find someone else to blame.
NEWSWOMAN: Breaking news. Tipping point.
President Trump addresses the nation
on the coronavirus pandemic,
using just his second Oval Office speech
to announce the U.S. will suspend
most travel from Europe.
The European Union failed to take the same precautions
and restrict travel from China and other hot spots.
As a result, a large number
of new clusters in the United States
were seeded by travelers from Europe.
This is the most aggressive and comprehensive effort
to confront a foreign virus in modern history.
Okay, first of all, it isn't a foreign virus.
It's just a virus, okay?
Trump makes it sound like corona doesn't speak English.
(laughter)
And-and... And also, we can blame Europe for many things--
colonialism, skinny jeans, Piers Morgan--
but this virus is worldwide, all right?
It was gonna get here no matter what Europe did.
Honestly, it's beginning to look like shutting down borders
is just Trump's go-to solution for everything.
This is all he thinks about.
"What? Problem? Shut a border.
Problem? Shut a border."
Does he do this in his personal life, too?
Yeah? Is Melania just like,
"I don't love you anymore, Donald."
And he's like, "Close the borders.
No one's getting in or out of this marriage."
(laughter)
Now, Donald Trump's presidential address
turned out to be as calming
as a pack of fireworks dropped into a bag of cocaine,
because not only did he surprise everyone
with this announcement
but it turns out he almost got everything wrong.
NEWSMAN: President Trump ramping up his response
to the coronavirus outbreak,
but instead of reassuring the public,
he caused more confusion than calm, like this statement.
We will be suspending all travel from Europe
to the United States for the next 30 days.
NEWSMAN: The Department of Homeland Security
quickly clarifying,
assuring the travel restrictions
will not apply to U.S. citizens,
permanent residents and some of their family members.
The ban instead would only apply to foreign nationals.
Trump caused more uncertainty
when he said the restriction would apply to trade.
And these prohibitions will not only apply
to the tremendous amount of trade and cargo
but various other things.
NEWSMAN: But Trump took to Twitter
to clear up that statement, writing, "It is..."
(reading):
President Trump further jumbled the message
when he addressed the health care costs
associated with coronavirus.
Earlier this week, I met with the leaders
of health insurance industry,
who have agreed to waive all co-payments
for coronavirus treatments.
NEWSMAN: A White House official later corrected the notion,
saying co-payments would be waived
only for coronavirus tests,
not for treatments of the disease.
I'm-I'm sorry, but this is...
this is unbelievable.
Like, I would... I would understand
if Trump made mistakes, right,
if this whole thing was off-the-cuff.
But how is it possible
to get so many things wrong in a prewritten speech?
This is crazy. Watching an Oval address
shouldn't be a game of two truths and a lie.
(laughter and applause)
He's just up there like,
"The coronavirus is very dangerous.
"We need to be vigilant.
And my babysitter growing up was Kareem Abdul-Jabbar."
(laughter)
"God bless America."
And this misinformation that the president spread,
it caused actual chaos, right?
The European travel ban doesn't include American citizens,
but that's not what Trump said in his speech.
So Americans who are on vacation in Europe
rushed to the airport in a panic
to fly home before the ban took effect.
Yeah, there were even reports
of people shelling out thousands of dollars
for a last-minute ticket 'cause they were panicking.
Yeah. And then the ones who couldn't get them,
they just hung off the airplane
like one of those trains in India.
(laughter)
Trump caused so much confusion
that even the coronavirus was probably like,
"Okay, wait, can I fly to America or not?
"Like, I-I'm just gonna call Delta.
I don't know what's going on here."
(laughter and applause)
So, just to be clear, Americans...
Americans can fly home from Europe.
Which, if you think about it,
means they could bring corona back.
Yeah. It's not a fail-safe.
'Cause Americans always bring something back with them
whenever they come from Europe.
Yeah, it's a thing they do, whether it's a disease
or a dumb new way to say "croissant."
(laughter)
Yeah. It's a croissant, okay?
You're from Philly. Calm down.
And another thing. Another thing that doesn't make sense
is that although Trump banned travel from Europe,
he didn't ban flights from Ireland and the U.K.
And when Trump was asked about that today,
he gave one of the strangest explanations of all time.
And one of the reasons the U.K., basically, has been...
Uh, it's got the border.
It's got very strong borders.
And, uh, they're... they're doing a very good job.
They don't have very much infection at this point,
and hopefully, they'll keep it that way.
I'm sorry, what?
(laughter)
The U.K. is fine because it's got "the border"?
Other countries in Europe also have "the border."
Unless, maybe, does he mean the water?
Is that it?
What, does Trump think the coronavirus
doesn't know how to swim?
Because that's racist.
(laughter)
And also, also, I don't even...
I... Like, I can't believe I'm saying... It's not true.
The U.K. and Ireland have more corona cases
than many of the countries on that list that is banned.
So, let's just be real.
The reason the U.K. and Ireland are exempt
is probably because Trump owns golf courses there.
Yeah. Well, that's what I think.
You know, if-if Iran thought about it,
they would just put a Trump golf course in Tehran.
Yeah. They'd have a nuclear deal tomorrow.
Trump would just be like, "Now you're enriching me and uranium.
It's a win-win. Win-win."
(applause)
So... So, look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
President Trump's Oval Office address last night,
it was an absolute disaster, right?
But there was a silver lining.
Because, you see, for some strange reason,
the cameras were recording Trump
before he gave his address, all right?
But he didn't realize it was rolling.
And so today, we got to see the real Trump
when he's not acting presidential.
And honestly, this was pure comedy gold.
You want to do this for me, Alex, please?
(exhales)
What's our timing?
MAN: Two minutes and 20 seconds.
Do you like the book being on the desk or not?
Would you rather have it not be?
May-Maybe it looks better.
Gives you something up here, right?
Does it matter?
What?
Oh, (bleep).
(laughter)
Uh-oh. I got a pen mark.
Anybody have any white... Do you have any white stuff?
(laughter)
"Oh, (bleep).
Does anyone have any white stuff?"
First of all,
his name is Mike Pence, okay, Mr. President?
(gasping, laughter)
(applause)
But can I just say...
I can safely say,
this is the first time in my life
that I've seen the deleted scenes
of a presidential address.
Like, America's downfall might be scary,
but, you got to admit, the bloopers are hilarious,
you know?
And it was-- it was really weird
hearing a president in the Oval Office say,
"Oh, (bleep)."
Although I guess now we know what it sounds like
whenever he gets a call from Eric.
(groans)
Now, I'm-I'm gonna go out on a limb and say
that Donald Trump is as freaked out by coronavirus
as regular citizens,
which is wild, because he's the president.
And the reason I say that is because it turns out
the cameras carried on rolling
-after Trump ended his speech, -(gasping, laughter)
and-and his reaction was priceless.
God bless you,
and God bless America.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay. (exhales)
(laughter)
Yeah...
That...
is not the sound you want to hear
from a president after a serious address.
FDR didn't reassure the nation by saying,
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
"Okay, Daddy needs a margarita.
"Can I get a margarita? Ha.
I need a drink. Oh, they still-- they're still here?"
So, look, this is all to say that,
despite the efforts of sports leagues,
amusement parks, state and local governments,
unfortunately, the man at the top
just does not seem to have his shit together.
And with coronavirus now in full pandemic mode,
all I have to say to that is,
oh, (bleep).
I'm being serious,
leaders are afraid to just say the thing.
Because it seems callous,
but we don't want to say the honest thing in society,
and that is if you're gonna die, you're gonna die.
No, because I really think it is important
to have perspective,
because death is a thing that terrifies many of us, right?
But if you have perspective in and around so many things
you start to understand,
so for instance here,
coronavirus has claimed 5,000 lives across the globe.
5,000 people across the planet right now.
Yes, the number increases,
but 5,000 people across the planet.
So I'm not saying we want to be ignorant of all risk
and you don't want the virus to spread
to those who are most vulnerable,
but it's also like it would be good to have
a leader who can put things in perspective.
The problem with Trump is he's more worried
about how it affects the perception of him
versus what he's doing.
This is where you realize how important
good leadership is, you know what I'm saying?
Because a good leader would set expectations for a nation
and put you in a good place.
The way I always think of it is like a pilot.
For me, the best pilots are the ones
who come on and tell you,
"Hey, it's gonna be bumpy."
I love those, 'cause I get terrified when I fly,
but I love it when the pilot goes,
"Hey everybody, so it's gonna be really bumpy
so we're gonna be suspending service.
There won't be any meals served for a while
but I'm gonna try and get to the right altitude
and hopefully it will smooth out.
And then I'll let you guys know when
it's safe to stand up."
And then when the bumps start you're like,
"Ah, this was the shit he was telling us about.
Here it comes!"
But at least you're in the,
you're like, "Okay, okay, okay, okay, I get what ..."
Do you get what I'm saying?
But there's nothing worse than when you're flying
and the pilot comes on like, "Nothing to worry about folks."
It's like, "Shit is shaking right now!
Shit is shaking.
The seatbelt sign is on!"
And the pilot's like, "No, no, no, there's nothing wrong."
"Something is wrong!
The flight attendant is falling,
she hit the door!
Now she's on the ceiling."
"No, there's nothing wrong."
"Ladies and gentlemen take your seats please, we're fine.
We're fine ladies and-
We're fine ladies and-"
No we're not fine!
But if you tell us ahead of time we get ready for it,
we buckle our seatbelts, everybody rides it out,
and then we get to smooth sailing
and then we're on this thing together.