today we're going to be talking about three key principles of interpersonal interactions that
explain how our Behavior can influence the way that other people respond to us
how that can make social anxiety worse
hi everyone in today's video we're going to be talking about something
called interpersonal messages and Cycles which are essentially non-verbal ways in
which we communicate with other people sometimes outside of our own awareness
and how these things influence how other people respond to us in turn this is critical to
understand particularly if you're experiencing difficulties with social anxiety but before I
get into that just a couple of disclaimers to go over I'm a registered psychologist in the province
of British Columbia Canada and this video is for informational purposes only it is not intended as
a substitute or replacement for advice from your doctor or mental health professional
now with those things out of the way let's start talking about interpersonal messages
my way of background in a previous video I've talked about the role of safety behaviors in
social anxiety and how safety behaviors can make a person feel even more anxious in social
situations despite the fact that the safety behaviors are intended to make them feel safer
now one of the goals in treating social anxiety is to reduce the safety behaviors
which can have two main impacts and the first is personal in that by dropping these safety
behaviors it can contribute to a person feeling better about themselves as they
feel more spontaneous less constrained more free and less anxious in general
the second benefit of dropping the safety behaviors relates to how other people respond to
me without the safety behaviors sometimes people May respond to me in the exact same way indicating
that the safety behaviors weren't actually doing anything other than making me feel more anxious
however sometimes people will actually respond more positively once a person drops the safety
behaviors because the person then appears more open and approachable to other people this is
really important to understand as it illustrates that our behaviors including safety behaviors send
interpersonal messages to other people even when you think you aren't doing anything like being
quiet not responding trying to avoid attention you're still sending messages to other people
so think about what the messages that those behaviors are sending
put yourself in the other person's position and how you would interpret those types of behaviors
see the thing is other people don't see our underlying concerns fears and anxiety they don't
see what's going on inside of us they they only see our Behavior and as a result other people have
to read into the meaning of our behavior and try to interpret how we might be feeling by how we're
behaving and that leads to our discussion about the three principles of interpersonal interactions
and the first principle which I've already kind of alluded to is that behaviors send messages
people don't see your underlying concerns or anxiety they only see our Behavior
and they have to read or interpret the meaning of our behaviors
to explain this I want you to imagine three different types of social behaviors and the
messages that they might give to other people around in the first scenario I want you to
imagine that I'm sitting in a meeting and I have a look of irritation or anger on my face
I might be aloof sarcastic or overly critical in the meeting what message do those behaviors send
well other people there would probably interpret these behaviors as disapproval and if that they
were if if they were to approach me I'd likely respond with hostility and criticism
now in the second scenario I want you to imagine uh imagine that I'm sitting in the meeting and I'm
not making eye contact with anyone I'm keeping off to myself I have a kind of a poker face not
showing any emotion not showing any engagement what's the message these behaviors might send
well typically behaviors like these are interpreted as me being indifferent or indifferent
or disinterested in people they don't really look that interested I don't really want to interact
now in the third scenario I'm sitting in the meeting I'm smiling I'm making
eye contact I'm sharing some of my thoughts making small talk with others
what's the what's the message those behaviors are sending while other people would likely see
me as approachable friendly wanting to engage and interact with them
so in social anxiety many of the safety behaviors we talk about often fall into
the first and second scenarios they give an impression that we're either
disinterested or indifferent to another person or openly hostile and critical towards others
this is the message that's being communicated even if that isn't what's intended
and this leads to our second principle of interpersonal cycles and that is that behaviors
pull for complementary responses in other words our Behavior tends to exert a pull or a draw on
the other person to respond in a similar manner to us essentially our social behavior functions as an
invitation for the other person to behave towards us the way they're interpreting our Behavior
think of this kind of like a traffic light where you have a red light a yellow light
and a green light in the first scenario I discussed earlier where I'm acting aloof
for somewhat hostile to others that's almost like me shining a big red light to other people
this aloofness or anger tends to pull for other people to be irritated rejecting or
wanting to withdraw from any interaction with me other people will pull back if
they think that I'm going to be openly hostile or critical or aloof and therefore what this
does is it serves as a big stoplight to other people who may have otherwise approached me
in the second scenario where I'm avoiding time talking avoiding making eye contact
showing little emotion in my face think of that almost like shining a big yellow light
suggests that I'm detached disengaged not interested in interacting and so other
people might not want to approach because they're Unsure how I'm going to respond
therefore the message that's being interpreted is stop don't engage or if you do approach cautiously
and finally in that third scenario where I'm smiling making eye contact sharing thoughts
openly interacting with other people it's almost like I'm shining a big green light
to other people this pattern pulls for warmth and interest and engagement in other people
they may view me as friendly approachable someone they would enjoy interacting with
and therefore they're more likely to approach in a friendly manner
so you see there's there's the two components here there's the message that I'm giving in my behavior
and the way that is interpreted then results in a a complimentary response by the other person
either they don't approach me they approach me tentatively
or cautiously or they approach me in a friendly open manner
and the final principle of interpersonal Cycles is that interpersonal Behavior
tends to be self-perpetuating in other words our actions and our behaviors
tend to create reactions from other people that confirm our expectations
so if we expect other people to respond negatively to us will often engage in self-protective
behaviors that cause the other person to respond negatively towards us so it's almost
like it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy or the self-fulfilling cycle so for example if
I expect other people to be negative towards me I might avoid making eye contact talking or smiling
those behaviors send a message to other people that causes them to disengage and withdraw from me
which reinforces my belief that other people are going to be negative towards me
if I expect other people to be hostile or critical I might try to protect myself by
acting aloof irritable or critical myself as a way of preventing them from attacking me
however these behaviors are likely to produce irritability criticism and hostility from other
people which then serves to confirm my expectation that other people are hostile and critical
if I believe that other people will find me uninteresting and will reject
me I might be very careful not to share anything about myself
but what this does is that it sends a message that I don't want to open up about myself I don't
want to deepen our relationship and that might cause the other person to remain distant thereby
confirming my belief that I'm not interesting and out of other people don't want to get to know me
another common pattern in social anxiety is that sometimes people tend to overcompensate
so for example if I believe that I'm not interesting or witty enough
I might try overly hard to be friendly or pressure myself to have to say something
interesting or witty or Snappy or say funny things to try to get people to like me
however the problem is these these behaviors tend to come across as kind of awkward or not genuine
and that can lead to confusion on the part of the other person as to how to respond and as a result
they they may not laugh at my jokes because they're not exactly sure if I'm joking or not
which then reinforces my fear that I'm not witty or funny enough because they're not laughing
so
standing in some insights about these complex interpersonal cycles and messages
that we communicate to other people with sometimes without even knowing it
um if this is something that resonates with you I'd really encourage you to pay attention
to the interpersonal messages that you're giving then think
about whether your behavior is indicating a red light a yellow light and a green light
and how other people may be responding to you depending on the light that you're shining
so I hope that gives you a little bit of a better understanding of uh the way we communicate and
how it influences how people respond to us I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas or
questions about this so please leave me some comments in the comments section down below
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so that's all for today's video as always thank you for making it all
the way to the end of this video and I will see you in the next one