-Look, I know you're all
just clapping for the air conditioning,
but I'm still glad you're here.
We're in the middle of a giant heat wave right now
with temperatures in the 90s.
It's crazy out here.
I sat on a bench for two minutes.
When I got up, my pants had grill marks.
-Really?!
-I saw that officials are telling people that beer is
not a good way to stay hydrated
and that you should drink water.
When New Yorkers heard that, they were like, "Okay.
Coors Light it is."
[ Laughter, applause ]
Well, you guys, this heat wave is really intense.
This kind of weather can be pretty rough,
so here now with some tips on how to beat the heat
are The Roots.
-Thanks Jimmy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Tip number one --
stay out the sun and drink lots of water.
-It's a good one. Here's what you do.
You get yourself a Klondike bar
and use it like a bar of soap.
-Ah, interesting. [ Laughter ]
-Take your pants off, then remember you're at work
and put them back on.
-Close your eyes,
picture a penguin, big, cute, slippery,
like an oversized toucan wearing a tuxedo.
-Do what I do.
Put your toupee in the freezer
so when you glue it on your head in the morning,
it keeps your dome ice cold.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you.
Thank you for the tips. I appreciate it.
Thank you very much, Roots.
I heard the heat could cause another blackout
here in New York. [ Crowd murmuring ]
So, think about that when you're stepping into an elevator
with your annoying co-worker.
Alright. It's like, "Don't die on me now, power."
"How was your summer?" "Not good."
-[ Laughs ] -That's right.
Officials think there will be more blackouts at some point.
They know something bad's coming, but they can't say when.
It's pretty much like following Trump on Twitter.
[ Laughter ] Have you been following this?
Last night, the House approved a resolution
to condemn Trump's racist tweets.
It was the first time it's happened
since William Howard Taft.
When he heard that, Trump was like,
"Wow, what did he tweet?
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of social media, this is going viral.
Everybody's been using this app called FaceApp.
Have you guys heard of it? [ Cheers and applause ]
It's creepy. It's creepy.
It has a filter that shows what you look like
when you're older.
For example, here's a photo of me,
Here's me with the filter.
Wow.
[ Laughter ] It's pretty crazy.
A lot of people are giving it a try,
including some people in Washington,
and the results are kind of surprising.
Take a look.
Here's the President's son Eric Trump.
Here's him with the filter.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Here's CNN host Anderson Cooper.
Here's what he looks like with the filter.
[ Laughter ]
Up next is Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin.
Here he is with the filter.
[ Laughter ]
Here's Vladimir Putin. Here's him with the old filter.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, here's a photo of Bernie Sanders,
and here he is as an old man.
[ Applause ] -Looks pretty good.
-Wow! Very realistic. Wow. -Looks pretty good.
This is big.
-Today, the Mexican drug lord El Chapo
was sentenced to life in prison.
He has to turn over $12.6 billion in drug money.
Then Trump was like, "See, I told you Mexico would
pay for the wall.
[ Laughter ]
I told you."
Listen to this.
Taco Bell just came out with a new burrito
that's made with the world's hottest pepper,
the Carolina Reaper. -Ooh.
-It's for people who walk into Taco Bell and think,
"How could I make this bad decision even worse?"
[ Laughter ] Here's a crazy story.
The owners of a Miami restaurant called Bacon Bitch
is suing the owners...
[ Laughter ]
-Too many jokes, yeah. -It's not even...
[ Laughs ]
-The owners of a Miami restaurant
called Bacon Bitch -- -[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
-Is it "Bacon Bitch"? -Or is it "Bacon, Bitch"!
-Yeah. -I don't know.
[ Applause ]
-Where is the emphasis. -Yeah. Okay. Alright.
So, anyways, the owners of the restaurant Bacon Bitch
are suing the owners of a San Diego restaurant
called Breakfast Bitch.
[ Laughter ]
-"Breakfast, Bitch." -[ Laughs ] Okay!
-Is that how that one is?
-For stealing their idea.
Experts say it could be the first case where a judge asks,
"How do you bitches plead?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Bitch, please.
And finally, I read about a man in Belgium
who just set the Guinness World Record
for sitting on a toilet for 116 straight hours.
[ Audience "oohs" ]
He wasn't trying to break the record.
He just ate Taco Bell's new Carolina Reaper Burrito.