♪ >> HEY, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BAPTISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
THAT'S THE BAND WITH THE PLAN RIGHT THERE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IT SURELY IS!
IT SURELY IS A LOVELY NIGHT!
IT SURELY IS A LOVELY NIGHT, JON!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: PLEASE HAVE A
SEAT, EVERYBODY!
JON, I GOT TO ASK YOU, WHAT WAS THAT -- I DID NOT -- WHAT WAS
THAT LOVELY SONG PLAYING OUT OF THE BREAK THERE?
>> OH, THAT JUST CAME, POPPED INTO MY HEAD TODAY.
>> Stephen: OH REALLY?
>> JUST TODAY.
NO TITLE.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> THE CHORDS I FEEL LIKE TODAY.
[PLAYING PIANO MUSIC] >> Stephen: SOUNDS LIKE AN
EARLY SPRING SONG.
A LOT OF POTENTIALITY THERE.
>> LIKE SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN THAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S SPRING.
SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN THAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
>> I LOVE THAT FEELING.
ANTICIPATION.
>> Stephen: BEANIE FELDSTEIN WILL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A
LITTLE WHILE AND STAR OF "FUNNY GIRL" ON BROADWAY AND OLD FRIEND
OF THE SHOW, CHANCE THE RAPPER IS HERE TONIGHT!
FOLKS, YOU KNOW HOW WE ALL WOULD LIKE THE PANDEMIC TO BE OVER,
AND IN SOME WAYS, WE'RE KIND OF ACTING LIKE IT'S OVER BUT IN A
LOT OF WAYS, IT FEELS LIKE MAYBE IT'S NOT OVER?
YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO MANY EXPERTS, COVID COULD BE SURGING
IN THE U.S. RIGHT NOW AND WE MIGHT NOT EVEN KNOW IT.
SO, JIMMY, LET'S MOVE THE "LATE SHOW" COVID LEVEL TRACKER FROM
ORANGE TO IUNNO.
[LAUGHTER] IUNNO!
IUNNO!
WHAT'S THE DATA SAY?
WELL, APPARENTLY, THE DATA IS A MESS.
PART OF THE PROBLEM IS THAT PEOPLE ARE INCREASINGLY RELYING
ON AT-HOME RAPID TESTS, BUT THOSE RESULTS ARE RARELY
REPORTED.
WELL, YEAH.
WE'RE TESTING AT HOME.
WHO ARE WE SUPPOSED TO REPORT IT TO?
"HI, I'D LIKE TO ORDER A LARGE CHEESE PIZZA, A TWO-LITER OF
MOUNTAIN DEW, I'M COVID POSITIVE, AND YOU KNOW WHAT,
LET'S GET HALF-PEPPERONI.
NOT THAT I CAN TASTE IT, RIGHT?
SEE YA IN 30!
DOH, GARLIC KNOTS!" THE OTHER ISSUE WITH DATA
TRACKING IS THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS NO LONGER COVERING THE COST
OF P.C.R.S, SO PEOPLE WITHOUT INSURANCE COULD PAY UP TO
$125 FOR A TEST.
NO WONDER NO ONE'S TESTING.
FOR $125 YOU CAN GET HALF A TANK OF GAS!
[LAUGHTER] PLUS, STATES LIKE ARIZONA,
HAWAII, AND NEVADA HAVE NOW COMPLETELY STOPPED REPORTING
DAILY COVID DATA TO THE C.D.C.
BUT IF YOU'RE IN NEVADA, IT'S SAFE TO ASSUME YOU CAUGHT
SOMETHING.
[LAUGHTER] AND IT DOESN'T STAY THERE.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
SURE.
THERE IS ONE FAIRLY RELIABLE WAY TO TRACK COVID CASES:
WASTEWATER.
AND IT'S LOOKIN' CRAPPY.
[LAUGHTER] TAKE NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT,
WHERE ACCORDING TO SEWAGE, THERE'S A "LOW RUMBLE" OF
COVID-19 CASES.
[LAUGHTER] LOW RUMBLE, BY THE WAY, USUALLY
A SIGN YOU'RE ABOUT TO PRODUCE SOME SEWAGE.
THE PANDEMIC'S BEEN A ROUGH TIME, SO IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT A
NEW ANALYSIS FOUND THAT EXPLETIVES IN TRANSCRIPTS OF
QUARTERLY EARNINGS CALLS, INVESTOR CONFERENCES AND
SHAREHOLDER MEETINGS ROSE TO A FIVE-YEAR HIGH IN 2021.
WELL, CAN YOU BLAME PEOPLE?
I MEAN, CHEESE AND CRACKERS, THE LAST FIVE YEARS HAVE BEEN
THE WORST FUDGING TIME IN MY WHOLE FRIGGING LIFE!
DAGNABBIT ALL TO H-E DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS!
[LAUGHTER] THE RESEARCHERS ACKNOWLEDGED THE
BENEFITS OF COLORFUL LANGUAGE, SAYING, "SWEARING CAN PROVIDE AN
EMOTIONAL RELEASE, PSYCHOLOGICALLY GIRD YOU TO
WITHSTAND PAIN AND CEMENT TEAM TIES."
DON'T I KNOW IT.
THAT'S WHY THIS YEAR, THE "LATE SHOW" SOFTBALL TEAM IS THE
[BLEEP] BUCKETS.
[LAUGHTER] OKAY, AS YOU CAN SEE,
UNFORTUNATELY, CBS WON'T LET ME SWEAR AT WORK.
AND NOT JUST ON THE AIR: [WHISTLING]
OKAY, WHO KILLED THE [AIR HORN] POT?
READ THE SIGN, [AIR HORN]!
IT SAYS IF YOU FINISH THE [AIR HORN] COFFEE, MAKE SOME NEW
[AIR HORN] COFFEE!" IS THAT COMPLICATED?
CUT THAT [BLEEP] OUT [BLEEP]!
WE'LL BE BACK RIGHT WITH CHANCE THE RAPPER.