When you're feeling stressed, depressed, angry, or helpless, you usually feel like something is
making you feel that way - like, oh, "Crappy drivers make me angry." "My incompetent boss
makes me stressed." "The fact that I overshared too much at book club, that makes me anxious." But
here's the thing, right? Researchers have found that usually it's not external factors that make
you feel this way; it's irrational thinking that fuels many of these intense emotions. And most of
the time we're not even aware of the types of thoughts that make us feel this way. Dr Albert
Ellis, one of the founders of CBT, described three types of thinking that make people upset.
And because they all involve the word "must" he calls it MUST- urbating (I hope that doesn't
get me demonetized). Okay. So in this video you'll learn to recognize these three forms of
irrational thinking so that you can replace them with healthier thoughts and be calmer, happier,
and solve problems without feeling like a helpless victim. So let's get better at feeling. [Music]
Okay. Real quick: If you want to learn more skills from CBT, and specifically how to stop worrying,
check out our online course, Worry Free, where psychologist Nick Wignall teaches three
essential strategies to stop worrying. I used to wake up in the middle of the night worrying,
and I used to worry throughout the day, like, all the time. And this course taught me how to
decrease that worry by like 70%. So if you're interested in learning more, check out the link
in the description. Okay. So before we get going, I want you to bring to mind your latest incident
that made you upset, and I want you to write this down on a piece of paper, because putting this
into practice is going to help you way more than just watching this video. That's right;
you've got homework. And I can't even give you an A, so you'll have to settle for happiness.
Okay. So write it down. Why are you upset? What happened? You can pause the video if you need to.
Okay. Going back to Albert Ellis. He was a famous American psychologist who developed rational
emotive behavior therapy, which is kind of like CBT's Daddy. REBT is the Madonna to CBT's Lady
Gaga. And in his theory Ellis identified three musts that people often hold which can contribute
to emotional distress. And that's what CBT is all about; it's about changing thinking patterns to
improve your mental health. So the musts are a set of rigid, absolute beliefs that people hold about
themselves and others and the world around them. There are three main musts in Ellis's theory,
which are: number one, I must do well and be approved of by everyone I meet or else I'm no
good; number two, others must treat me fairly and kindly and always consider my feelings. if they do
not treat me this way they are not good people and deserve to be punished; and number three,
I must always get what I want when I want it, and if I don't I'm miserable. Wow. Our minds are real
jerks sometimes, huh? It's a wonder we spend any time with ourselves. Now, at the center of this
is the belief that life shouldn't be the way that it is. This type of thinking makes you anxious,
depressed, or angry, but you can totally learn to feel happier and healthier when you learn Ellis's
system for changing this type of thinking. And the first step is learning to identify these
thoughts in yourself. So let's do some examples with must number one: I must do well and be
approved of by everyone I meet. For example, a high school student who feels pressured to get
perfect grades and excel in sports because they believe they must meet everyone's expectations.
This was totally me as a teenager. And yes, I was very cool. Not. All right. Okay. A person
who struggles with social anxiety. They're afraid of rejection because they think they
have to be liked by everyone they meet. Right? This often ends in avoiding social situations,
by the way. Someone who spends a lot of time and money on their appearance, their possessions,
or their lifestyle because they believe they have to impress everyone and be seen as successful or
be seen as attractive to everyone. A parent who feels inadequate and guilty because they believe
they must be the perfect parent and they must meet their child's every need, even at the expense of
their own well-being. Take a minute and check your problem that you wrote down for this kind of
thinking. Like do you catastrophize if you don't perform perfectly? Do you feel like an anxious
wreck if you think someone might not like you? I mean, it's okay. Like you're not broken. Or I
guess we're all broken. I mean, either way you're not alone. A lot of people do this. And we'll talk
about some options to challenge this and change this as the video goes on. Okay. So let's talk
about number two. Here's some examples of people who may believe, you know, others must treat me
fairly and kindly and always consider my needs and feelings. Like that sounds kind of ridiculous,
but I bet you're gonna relate to some of this. You get angry or offended when someone doesn't agree
with you. You feel hurt or rejected when a friend cancels plans and doesn't respond to your messages
right away because you believe they should prioritize your needs and make time for you.
An employee gets frustrated and demotivated when their boss doesn't give them positive feedback or
recognition because they believe that others must always acknowledge their hard work and talent.
Or someone who expects their romantic partner to fulfill all of their emotional and physical needs
because they believe others must always consider their feelings. Now, you can see how the belief in
others must treat me fairly and kindly and always consider my feelings and needs, this can lead to
unrealistic expectations and disappointment and conflict in relationships. So check your
problem for this that you wrote down. Right? If this section made you feel kind of angry,
that's a good thing. I mean, I'm not happy that you're mad, but it means that you're like at least
doing well with identifying the problems. I'll give you like a little virtual gold star there.
Okay. So let's check out faulty belief number three, which is that the world must give me what I
want when I want it. Let's look at some examples. I deserve a promotion at work because I've been
here for a year and the company owes it to me. Or I shouldn't have to wait in line at the grocery
store; they should open up more registers because I'm in a hurry. Or if I don't get the grade that
I want on the test, that teacher is so unfair, and she doesn't know how to grade properly. Or
it's not fair that I have to pay for this parking ticket. I shouldn't have to follow the rules just
because the government says so. Right? Se all desperately want the world to be fair and kind
and none of us like to think of ourselves as like that purple girl in Willy Wonka. "Not for
sale." "Name your price." "She can't have one." "Who says I can't?!" "The man in the funny hat."
"I want one! I want a Golden Goose!" But the truth is, I think we slip into this thinking
a lot more often than we realize. The other day I was working with a client, and she was just kind
of going on this rampage and getting very upset and very worked up that she has to work for money
and that basic necessities like food are not just given to her and provided. Now, I can understand
and empathize with the plight of people who are living paycheck to paycheck and making, you know,
near minimum wage, how difficult that is to live, but it's not helpful. It doesn't serve a function
to spend hours and hours getting really worked up about this. Probably better to devote that energy
elsewhere. Right? We all we all desperately want the world to be fair and kind, but
when we don't get what we want we are sometimes like toddlers. Right? We throw a little fit when
it isn't the way we want it to be. Okay. So have you checked out your original problem for any of
these three kinds of thinking? The good news is that you can take the fuel out of these types of
emotions, and CBT has a really concrete system for teaching you how to do it. So there's five steps.
Step number one is identify the belief. Hopefully we just did that. Step number two is to challenge
the belief. Not to a duel, but sort of. Okay. Number three: replace the belief. Number four:
practice new behaviors. And then number five is to monitor and celebrate progress, possibly with
ice cream. So here's an example, right? Let's say you went to a book club. You may have overshared.
Now you're having like serious anxiety worrying about what everyone thinks about you, and you're
feeling anxious, and you feel like you never want to go out in public again. So number one:
identify the belief. The root of this problem is not what you said at book club. The root of
this problem is the belief that I need everyone to approve of me all the time or else I'm bad. It's
the belief that I have to perform perfectly to be accepted, and I have to be accepted by everyone
to be a good human being. So that takes us to number two, where we challenge the belief. Right?
Ask yourself questions like, "Do I have evidence that I must be approved by everyone? Is it
realistic that everyone should like me?" Is it really true that everyone must think poorly of you
because you may have overshared in a conversation? Could it be possible that they are not judging you
as harshly as you think? Are you being fair to yourself by assuming the worst-case scenario?
How would you feel if someone else had had this thought about themselves after a conversation
with you? Would you automatically judge them negatively, or would you try to be understanding
and supportive? And then then you could also ask yourself, as you challenge this belief, like,
"How does this belief affect me? What are the consequences of holding this belief?" So these
are a bunch of ways to challenge your thoughts, and a good therapist is going to do this with you.
I'm trying to teach you some of the ways to do this on your own. So check out your thought from
your paper, and see, like, how can you challenge this thought? Number three: replace the belief.
Choose something that's more realistic or helpful. So you might say, "Oh, it's okay. It's okay if I
overshared in the conversation, as long as I didn't harm anyone." Right? "I can learn from
this experience. I can be more mindful in future conversations." Or you can think, "Oh, it's not
my responsibility to control how others think or feel about me. I can only be true to myself,
and I can trust that others will respect and appreciate me for who I am." Uh or you could say,
"Oh, I can give myself credit for being open and honest in the conversation, for having the courage
to share my thoughts and feelings, and this can help me connect with others on a deeper level,
and I admire that trait in other people." Right? So we replace that belief with, like, okay,
this is more helpful. So now that we've challenged those thoughts and replaced them, step number four
is to practice new behaviors that align with your new way of thinking. So for example, like,
don't stop going to social activities. Uh continue to express yourself, and, you know, stop yourself
from ruminating about social experiences. The number number five is to monitor progress. Watch
yourself for any signs of success. Right? Are you developing closer relationships with your
friends because you're sharing about yourself? Are you starting to feel more confident? Are you
starting to look forward to book club because you enjoy the good conversations or you just,
you know, like getting out of the house? And, you know, after a social activity are you being
nicer to yourself? Paying a lot of attention to positive outcomes actually increases dopamine and
motivation. It's a it's an essential part of the feedback loop, and it helps you be more motivated
to challenge your thinking in the future and to do more activities that line up with the
life that you want to live. Pretty soon the new belief system can become automatic and habitual.
Okay. Let's do one more example real quick. Right? Do you get super angry when you're driving? Do you
think, "Oh my gosh, everyone is a terrible driver, and they all need to get off the road." Okay.
Okay. Let's identify the must. I would say that this is most likely number two: others must treat
me fairly and kindly and always consider my needs and feelings. Believing this makes you angry.
Right? Someone's slow to drive when the light turns green. Can't they see that I'm in a hurry?
Like, spoiler alert: they definitely can't. Someone's driving slow in the fast lane. What
the heck are you doing? You're so inconsiderate to my need to get there three minutes faster.
Right? It's all about me, my needs. How come people can't understand that? Even if someone is
driving really dangerously and erratically, it's not super helpful to think everyone else needs to,
has to be responsible for my safety, and if they aren't, I'm gonna get really angry and
yell in my car and I'm gonna throw a tantrum. Because that's going to make sure these roads
are safer. Right? Okay. To everyone out there who doesn't use sarcasm in their culture, I am
so sorry. I tend to use sarcasm sometimes. That was sarcasm. You're welcome. You've gotten two
lessons for the price of one, which is probably zero because you're watching this on YouTube
and YouTube is free. Okay. So going back to driving: you're angry because none of the other
drivers are spending their drive thinking about your needs. So let's just start by challenging
that thought. Is it really true that everyone's a terrible driver? You might be making some
sweeping assumptions there. Right? Are you being fair to other drivers by assuming that they're
all incompetent or dangerous? Maybe could it be possible that they're just doing the best they
can in their circumstances. How would you feel if someone else had this thought about you? Like what
about the times you've been slow to start when the light turns green? Would it be fair to judge
you based on a few mistakes or errors? Okay. And then let's just try to replace that thought with
something more helpful. Right? Like, oh, you know, "Some of these drivers might be inexperienced." Or
"They make mistakes, but most of them are probably doing their best to be responsible on the road."
Um or to say something like, "Oh, it's okay if other drivers aren't perfect as long as they're
following the rules." Or you could say something like, "Okay, I'm not the police. It's not my job
to make sure every driver follows all the rules." Right? "It's just my job to get where I'm getting
safely." But then you might say, "But Emma, like what if they are actually endangering me? What
if like, what if they're being terrible? Is it okay to get mad and throw a tantrum then?"
Well, is that going to help you if other people are endangering you? Let's focus on what you can
control. You can practice defensive driving. You can pull over and call the police. Either
of these options is probably more helpful than just being really angry and thinking about how
idiotic the other drivers are. Right? And your mental health is more important than
spending all this time thinking other people must change. Other people should change. Right? Just,
this is about directing your energy toward what's going to actually help you. Okay.
So let's practice number four, which is, you know, developing new behaviors. I'm
gonna say let's try some mantras here to be more patient and forgiving of other drivers,
where you just focus on your own defensive driving skills. Or you could just practice um some
compassion. Right? Sometimes when I see someone doing something like super annoying, I just think,
oh, like, "I hope your day goes well. Bless you." Right? "May it be well with you." Because if
they're doing something idiotic, they're probably having a hard time in their life, and they could
probably just use some love. Plus, it makes us less judgmental and angry inside. Okay. So
number five: let's just check in with yourself. Is practicing this making you less angry on your
drives? Are you able to enjoy yourself a little bit more when you arrive home, when you feel a
little bit more relaxed? Just notice like every little victory, and that's going to make it easier
and easier to change your brain. Okay. So now's your chance to go through this process with your
issue that you started with at the beginning of the video. Identify challenge, replace, practice,
reward, repeat. Okay. I hope this video was helpful. Thank you for watching, and take care.
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