I know my emotional attachment to my values might be hard for you to understand,
but hold on.
Let me show you this in-depth list of logical foundations as to how I got there!
Nothing.
There's nothing.
No I do not want to sit here and listen to your theory about how in 56 years,
a meteorite could very seriously crash into the earth,
when I'm currently in danger of running 2 minutes over my parking meter!
Gosh!
Haven't you any idea about what's important?
And so that, my friend, is a comprehensive explanation of the logic
behind all of the things that I'm physically good at.
Did you follow?
Yes.
Good.
Now you try.
Come on! Let me in!
Why do you refuse to let me near you!?
You have two options:
either sit here in silence,
or sit here in silence.
Ah.
I see you've chosen hidden option number three:
Sit here in silence.
There is no other option.
Well except if there's a puppy involved,
in which case, I will descend into obscure Fi noises.
I'd actually be a great sounding board
if my attention span was long enough
for even a third of your average monologue.
You were once organized like me,
when you were eight.
Now,
you're a disappointment.
First of all,
#NTclub represent.
Second of all,
you do enjoy talking to me,
until you realize that my weird attachment to certain ideas
and complete disinterest in others
means that I will
heavily cherry-pick what I am willing to listen to you talk about.
And you best believe that if you bring up a point that you find interesting,
but that I don't care about,
I'll just write you off with a completely un-researched comment,
and I will be
incredibly arrogant about it.
On the 3rd of the 4th, 2017, at approximately oh 0800 hours,
you spoke to me in Klingon about a DnD manual you were reading.
I responded in Klingon, and a friendship was formed.
You like me because I respect your boundaries
and share the same niche interests,
but you fear that I might betray you when the revolution comes.
...Which is fair.
You only became friends with me at first
because the things that I was talking about were so nonsensical
that it would have bothered you for the rest of your life
if you didn't try to get to the bottom of it.
And you still can't figure it out.
But that's mostly because even though we do hang out,
neither one of us has actually spoken since that first conversation.
Whenever we go to a party together,
people end up making more eye contact with me
and treating you like you're a piece of the furniture.
But I'm too nice for you to be mad at me about it.
Still,
the fact that we're so similar,
and yet I'm the more pragmatic and socially comfortable of the two of us,
really just makes you suspect that I'm the next model up from you.
(Which I am)
Tea?
You like me because I credited you for a joke I made
after you made the same joke too quietly for anyone to hear,
but you keep your distance because
you don't want to end up in jail later in life.
Sometimes I haunt your nightmares.
I'm just you after a few hard shots of liquor.
Come on! Why are you scared of me!? Just let me in!
So I took you to that bar and completely abandoned you all night.
Like, what's the big deal?
So I like,
made you audition for a circus with me
and then insisted that the director of the circus take you and make you the Ring Master
like, okay,
sorry that I did that!
You got free popcorn out of it.
Like
Okay, I'm sorry that I drew the attention of an entire mall to you on your birthday.
Like,
sorry that I gave you attention.
Okay, I'm sorry that I like,
bought you a house
under your name
that I couldn't afford and neither could you.
Like, what's the big deal?