- I am from San Francisco.
Growing up in San Francisco was interesting.
Like I used to sell Girl Scout cookies on the street corner
in the Castro, that sort of thing.
So when I moved to New York, I kind of freaked out.
New York is a much faster, meaner city.
I called my mom, I was like,
"Mom, I don't know how I'm gonna make it in this big city."
She was like, "Jes, calm down.
You have survival skills.
You were a girl scout."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "I don't know Mom,
the only thing I learned in the Girl Scouts
is what a glory hole is."
(audience laughing)
So when I moved to New York,
I was working at a sex shop, naturally.
(audience laughing)
This is true, I was working at an upscale, luxury,
like dildos and chandeliers.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Yeah, sex shop on the upper east side Manhattan.
Yeah, which was awkward
because the people of the upper east side,
they didn't think they needed the things we sold
because they already had sticks up their asses.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Naturally we didn't take returns.
(audience laughing)
The customers had a hard time dealing with that too.
Like one time I had a guy come back
to the store with a toy that I had sold him.
He plops it down on the counter.
He's like, "I need to return this.
It doesn't work."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Well, do you want me to troubleshoot it?"
(audience laughing)
I'm like an Apple genius of sex toys.
(audience laughing)
He goes, "No, it doesn't work for me,"
and that's different.
And I had to be like, "Sir, I'm sorry,
you can't return something
just because it didn't make you cum.
If you could, most of the women who buy vibrators
would just return their boyfriends."
(audience laughing and cheering)
Some boyfriends in the audience like "I didn't get that one.
(audience laughing)
I don't understand that joke."
(audience laughing)
I'll say this, I've never had sex with a straight man,
but I know I never want to.
I know this because I've had sex with their ex-girlfriends.
(audience laughing and cheering)
and it's awkward, it's awkward you know.
Like one time I slept with a woman
who had only ever been with men before me
and afterwards, she was like,
"Oh my God, what did you just do?"
And I was like, "Respect you?"
(audience laughing)
That's not funny, it's sad,
(audience laughing)
and now I no longer work at a luxury boutique sex shop
which means I'm just an average civilian
with a wealth of extremely specialized knowledge
that is not useful outside of that context.
For example, recently I was in San Francisco
visiting my family,
and my father and sister found themselves
trapped in the car with me
while I explained to them in great detail
the dangers of garlic clove anal suppository.
So the reason for that is,
science lesson real quick, real quick,
the reason for that is
you actually have two sphincters in your butt.
There is the one that you know about, which you can control,
some of you just tried it right now,
(audience laughing)
and then three to five inches up,
there's actually another one
which you have no control over
which is for holding everything in, which is great
because it keeps you from pooping your pants all the time,
but it does mean if you put something small
without a flared base such as a garlic clove into your butt,
there's a good chance your body is gonna
(Jes slurps mouth) it right up,
and then that's just a bad episode of "Grey's Anatomy."
(audience laughing)
Anyway, the point that I'm trying to make is,
(audience laughing)
the point that I'm trying to make is
(audience laughing)
you can take the kid out of the sex shop,
but you can't take the garlic clove outta your butt.
(audience laughing and cheering)
That's so stupid, so dumb.
So I'd been in San Francisco for two weeks,
all the way on the other side of the country
came back to my apartment in New York,
pulled back the sheets on my bed,
and found a dildo that didn't belong to me.
This is a true story.
I was like, "I didn't buy the captain.
(audience laughing)
How did you get here?"
It turns out it belonged to my best friend
who had been visiting me before I left
and forgot their dildo in my things as you do with family,
(audience laughing)
but before I found out who it belonged to, I was like, "Oh,
this is like a modern day Cinderella story.
(audience laughing)
I have to try this dildo
on every eligible lady in the kingdom
(audience laughing)
to find the perfect fit."
(audience laughing)
So I had been hired to open this location
of the sex shop on the upper east side,
and in the very beginning we had slow foot traffic.
There were very, very few customers coming through,
and one day, one of our only customers
was a middle-aged Hasidic Jewish man.
Yes, who came into the store, he was shopping around,
he didn't want any help,
(audience laughing)
and after a while, it became apparent
that he had been sent by his dominatrix on a mission
to pick up a male chastity device.
Yes, a cock cage, a penis penitentiary, a jizzum prison.
(audience laughing)
He was supposed to buy the male chastity device
but not get the key.
He was supposed to leave the key with us.
She was gonna come by and pick it up later,
that was the arrangement or something,
and we were like, "Okay, that's not safe.
You can't just lock up your junk and waltz out of here.
You either have to buy the whole thing
or you can't have it at all."
He goes, "No, no, no, that doesn't work."
He leaves.
For the next three hours,
we see him wandering around the store,
(audience laughing)
sometimes coming back inside and shopping
like he was a different guy.
Very, very troubled, like, "What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?"
And then finally, three hours later, he comes back.
He's like, "Fine, I will buy the whole thing."
We're like, "Great." We sell it to him.
He goes, "Now, you have to let me into your restroom
so I can put it on."
And normally we didn't let people into the restroom
but I was like, "All right, you've had a hard day.
(audience laughing)
I will walk you downstairs to the restroom."
So I take him down.
He's in there a long time,
like 15 minutes jangling around in there,
and then finally he comes out,
he's kind of readjusting his belt
sort of muttering to himself,
not really talking to anybody, not really talking to me,
and as we go back up the stairs to the sales floor, he goes,
"I flushed the key."
(audience gasping)
And I let him leave because we didn't take returns.
What was I supposed to do?
(audience laughing and cheering)
So I'm non-binary trans-masculine.
I know, I know, I contain so many multitudes,
it's exhausting.
(audience cheering)
Okay, okay, okay, you're all good people.
I hope you sleep well tonight.
(audience laughing and cheering)
A few years ago I started testosterone,
which is why I have the mustache
of the coolest boy in eighth grade.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Fun fact about testosterone,
it tends to change people's sexual orientation,
so after an entire lifetime of being a practicing lesbian,
for the first time ever I find myself attracted to men.
Dead silence.
(audience laughing)
I can feel you guys just get worried for me.
(audience laughing)
You're like, "Ooh, they're about to find out."
I know, I know.
I was a lesbian, now I'm starting to date men.
It's really like
I was born with a get out of jail free card,
and I'm like, "But you know, I've never tried jail.
(audience laughing)
Let's see what that's like."
So I'm trying to date gay men and it's interesting,
recently I hooked up with a cis gay man
who had never had sex with a trans guy before
and we're going at it and he goes,
"Oh my God, what are you doing?"
And I was like, "Respecting you!
Come on!"
Guys, I'm Jes Tom, thank you so much.