- My best friend is a boy.
We had this brilliant idea.
Let's get a place together,
but my dad's not cool with it.
- Human nature is like,
if they're living together
they're gonna hook up sexually.
- Something is going to-- (group clamors)
- My name is Rianna, I'm 20 years old.
- I'm Gabriela, I'm 20 years old.
- My name is Citlalli, I'm 14.
- And I'm really excited to have this conversation
with my dad today.
- I'm pretty excited to talk to my dad about certain things,
deep conversations.
- I feel a little bit nervous to talk to my dad today.
- My relationship with my dad is good.
We've been through a lot of stuff together.
He raised me on his own with no mom,
so that has definitely built us stronger together.
- My name is Benjamin and I'm the father of one beautiful
and infinitely talented and loving 14 year old young lady.
- My name is Mike. I'm a father of three girls.
- Hi, my name is Brian. I'm a father of two.
- [Interviewer] Once you became a dad,
what was your biggest lesson?
- That it's the true meaning of our existence.
That's the thing I wanted most in my entire life
is to be a father and it's everything I've ever expected.
- I'm Gabriela, and this is my dad, Mike.
- I'm Mike, and this is my daughter, Gabriela.
- My name is Benjamin, and this is my beautiful daughter,
Citlalli.
- My name is Citlalli, and my dad is Benjamin.
- Hi, I'm Rianna. This is my dad, Brian.
- This is my daughter, Rianna.
- [Interviewer] Daughters, please go to the left.
Fathers, please go to the right.
Step forward if you agree with the statement.
Daughters must be raised differently than sons.
- It's not so much because of them,
but because of the society we live in.
But I know if I had a 14 year old boy
and I wanted to send him out to the corner store,
I would feel pretty confident in doing that.
But for my daughter, it's a different situation.
And it's not her fault. It's because of society like I said.
- I agree.
- Right? Where I have to be more careful.
She's very strong and capable of
defending herself in a lot of ways.
But at the end of the day--
- She's not as big and strong as a dude.
- Yeah, and I'm gonna worry about that. So because of that,
I feel I have to be more protective of her.
and defend her. - I agree. I agree.
It's exactly the same thing.
- So I don't have a son. I only have daughters.
But if I had a son,
I don't think I would raise him any differently.
The type of scenario that you're talking about,
I completely agree.
But I think this world is dangerous
for both male and female.
- One time I was in the eighth grade
and I guess I didn't tell my dad I was going to CityWalk
with my friends and I didn't come home
till like midnight or 11:00 PM,
and the cops were like all over my block.
- I dialed 911. I said, my daughter's gone,
I don't know where she's at.
She doesn't answer her phone.
- If it was my brother,
'cause he's three years older than me.
So at the time I was like 14, he'd be 17.
My dad would be like, eh, whatever.
You know, if he calls me, calls me.
But if it's me, it's like, oh my God, my daughter's missing.
- I think he can be a little overprotective
when it comes to like having friends that are guys.
I think he assumes a lot.
And I think he should just assume the best, not the worst.
- Me too. - Just like a friendship.
- There are no guy friends. No, I'm just kidding.
- I wouldn't let any boys in our apartment, Burbank.
Especially not in your bedroom, you know?
- My best friend is a boy. We're very, very, very close.
And we're both in between housing situations right now
for when we go back to college.
We had this brilliant idea. Let's get a place together.
We're best friends who hang out 24/7,
my dad's not cool with it.
I'm just not gonna challenge it because no reason to.
- Why aren't you cool with it, if you don't mind me asking?
- Because I think there's a place and a time for everything.
And I don't think that I'm ready for her to move in
with a guy that I don't know.
- And you know, human nature is like,
if they're living together,
they're gonna hook up sexually.
- Something's going to-- - Whoa! (group clamors)
- That's just my thing.
- It just would never, it would never happen
between like there's no way ever.
- Can I ask you this?
Let's say you're 20 right? 20 years old?
Say you had a 20 year old son,
and he was in a living situation where
he wanted to have a female roommate. Would you let him?
- I think the answer is obvious.
Okay, because as you said, now,
I'm gonna go back to agreeing with you
that you have to treat it a little differently.
But I think if I had a son and he was 20
and he would wanna live with a girl,
I wouldn't have any objection.
- But would you find it weird if you had a son
and he was 20 and he wanted to live with a girl
and there was nothing romantic there at all?
- No, I wouldn't find it weird.
- I know how guys are.
You know, when they're young, they got a lot of testosterone
and girls like to tease. It's dangerous for chicks.
I mean, they gotta really watch their step.
- But what if we're just sitting down and we look good?
Is that still teasing someone?
- You can. It can be. It depends on what you're doing.
- But I feel like girls don't even try doing it intentional,
sometimes people are just good looking.
- If you raise them equally, then they'll learn
and grow up to see each other as equals
instead of like having like misogyny and stuff like that.
- I completely agree with that.
- Me too. - Completely.
- Blaming the girls kind of puts the onus on the girls
to stop that gross behavior, when the onus is on the boys
and the people who are raising them,
and the media that they're watching.
- [Interviewer] What would you say
is the biggest challenge for you too?
- Probably something like communication,
him just understanding how I feel,
and sometimes that I don't agree with things that he thinks.
Recently, I decided I wanted to live with my mom
because I just get a lot of intense anxiety around him
and it might be a little awkward.
- [Interviewer] I struggle to communicate my feelings
to my family.
- A lot of the times, I just don't know
how my dad will react to some of my feelings
and I just don't want, I don't like for him to see me upset
because I know it upsets him a lot.
I do remember very vividly one time him telling me that
whatever my energy is, he's gonna put the same energy back.
I remember he told me that one time
and it kind of just stuck with me
and I always think about it.
So I'm always thinking, what do I say? How do I put myself?
Like when I'm angry and stuff.
- I feel that I've been a very open father
and understanding, and I try to let her know
that I'm not gonna judge her. I'm not here to judge her.
I'm here to help her.
I definitely feel that she doesn't feel comfortable
expressing herself to me fully.
And it's so strange, you know, because we grew up so close.
We grew up so close. Like we were together all the time.
I feel like when she became a teenager, it was like
(imitates whoosh) all that changed, everything.
It was like an alternate universe. Like, what is this?
What is going on?
- You just have to give her some space.
- [Ben] Definitely.
- (Citlalli sighs) I don't know.
I guess it scares me a lot to disappoint him.
- That makes sense, but just know that
you're never gonna disappoint me.
Like nothing you do will ever disappoint me.
I love you infinitely for who you are,
and I accept you fully for who you are.
I love you unconditionally, okay?
- Sorry.
- It's okay, love. It's okay.
- [Interviewer] This is a safe space.
- Yeah, it's totally okay.
You don't disappoint me. You never will.
- I didn't really have my mom to run to
when I started my period,
like all the girl things literally.
Like, yeah, I see my mom here and there,
but my dad took custody of me at such a young age,
so that made us like have a really strong relationship.
He's also like my best friend. I tell him everything.
I tell him who I'm dating, this and that.
And the cool thing is about him is like dads could be like,
don't do this, don't do that.
But if anything, he just gives me really good advice.
- That's really sweet.
- She hides about 20% of stuff from me.
And I hide about 20% from her.
She doesn't tell me everything,
'cause I don't want to know too much, you know?
- So I went through a lot of mental health stuff
and physical health stuff in the last two years.
When I was 18, I wasn't ready to say anything to anybody.
I'm a very private person.
My dad is too, so he understands and he never cried
and he asked too many questions,
and I like to keep everything that was going on to myself
because otherwise it felt like I was including
more people into my problem.
And the second time was kind of when it hit me like,
I can't do this alone,
and I need my biggest support system to be there for me.
And it's always going to be my parents, especially my dad.
- We went through this together.
I mean, she had to go through this.
I was there just to support her, and so was her mom,
but it definitely made our relationship so much stronger.
I mean, I wouldn't have it any other way.
- Nobody wants to be vulnerable in front of their family,
but you know, if you're vulnerable, if you get sick,
your kids are there to take care of you.
My health broke down, I'm on kidney dialysis,
she takes me to dialysis three times a week.
She feeds me, I just go, Rianna, I'm hungry.
- I feel like my dad takes care of me by paying my rent,
paying my car insurance, getting me anything I need.
So the least I could do for him when his health isn't good
is take care of him.
- So my grandpa died five years ago.
My dad went to go be in Israel, say goodbye to his dad,
spend time with his family,
but my dad was there for a month
and we didn't see him for that month.
And I realized a couple years later that he went
so he wouldn't have to grieve in front of us.
It just made me sad that he felt like he couldn't do that.
And now I understand why.
- I know that I'm the backbone of the family,
and I like, and I'm the only man of the house.
So I wouldn't wanna see myself breaking down
in front of anyone of my family.
I don't think there was a situation that I needed to,
but I wouldn't think that I'd be comfortable
opening up that much.
- I feel similar.
I feel like I have to be strong
just because I can't show her what I'm going through,
'cause then I'm kind of putting her through it.
Similar to what you said.
You know, just recently she made a big decision.
She decided that she wanted to stay with her mom full time.
Since she was two years old, we've always shared custody,
50/50, down the middle.
So I went from seeing her half of the time to here and there
and it hurt me. It hurt me a lot.
It hurt me down to my core.
But at the end of the day, that was her decision,
and she thought it was best for her mental health.
So I agreed with it, but I can't sit here and say that night
I didn't go home and cry, you know?
But obviously, that's not something I want her to see
because I want her to be happy regardless of anything.
Raising a 14 year old young lady, being a man myself,
there's a bit of a disconnect.
And in this world of social media and instant gratifications
and all these things that we have to deal with,
it's the biggest challenge I've ever had.
- [Interviewer] I have had moments
I felt like I failed my family.
- My hospitalizations have put some financial strain
on my family and they've taken a huge emotional toll
on my family, my parents and my sisters.
And the first time it was like, yeah, this is horrible,
but we have to get through it.
And the second time, I just kept saying to myself,
I can't believe I let this happen again.
I can't believe I'm back here,
and I can't believe I'm doing this
to my family all over again.
- I'm really insecure about things that I do
and just myself in general.
So I constantly feel like I'm such a disappointment too,
especially my dad.
- Well, the question was, if you feel you failed
or disappointed your family.
I don't. I mean, why do you?
- I don't think I disappointed you.
I just feel if I had been a little bit more diligent,
I wouldn't have found myself
in the position that I was in in August.
- Yeah, but you also have to remember that you were fighting
and it was a little stronger than than you,
and eventually took over and we needed to fight back.
And we fought back and we won,
but you definitely did not disappoint us
or failed us in any way. That's absolutely not the case.
My angel.
- I tried to get her, you know, through my lawyer
and the judge just blew me away.
And the last thing I told the judge was,
the police told me a long time ago if they keep coming out,
somebody's gonna go to jail.
And they had been out between her and her mother
having fist fights, and she was just a kid.
- Yeah, I really just needed to get out of that situation.
It was just bad for me, health wise, to be with my mom.
I mean, I love her. She's my mom.
We're okay now, 'cause we're away.
- 'Cause you are apart.
- Cause we're apart,
but living with her is a different story.
When you live with someone, it's different.
My dad, at the time, it was such a coincidence
because I was like, I just need to get out of here.
She hit me in my face, at that moment had a bloody nose.
And my dad specifically that time got off work
like three hours early and he opened the door and he saw me,
and she went to jail and ever since he's had custody of me.
- Wow.
You know, I think I probably should have sat down
in the failed your family, 'cause in some ways
I do feel that I did fail you.
And the way that I failed you was
setting those expectations on you.
You know, when she was born, I wanted her to be so perfect.
I put her in gymnastics, I taught her multiple languages,
she was in a very specific school that she went to.
And I feel like me having those thoughts and those ideas
of what a perfect daughter would be--
- Put too much pressure.
- Definitely. And at the end of the day, that's my fault.
So I understand why she feels the way you do.
But I am sorry. I apologize to you forever
putting those expectations on you.
You're great just the way you are.
And I'm just happy that we're here,
we're having this moment.
- You know I told my dad that we were doing this video.
He had no idea what was going on.
And I'm just grateful that he trusted me enough
to just come, no questions asked.
If it wasn't for you, I would not be the strong person I am,
the outspoken person I am, or the opinionated person I am.
I wouldn't have zero tolerance for bullshit.
And it's all because of you
that I'm able to live my life in the strongest way
I possibly can.
- I'm gonna repeat something you said,
because I found it beautiful and I completely agree with you
but there's nothing in this world that you could ever do
that would disappoint me.
What I feel towards you and your sisters is just
endless love and nothing can ever change that.
- I just wanna say that I'm thankful that I have a dad
that loves me unconditionally and obviously saved me
from an abusive relationship with my mother.
'Cause if I didn't have a dad
and I was living with my mother,
I don't know where I would be right now.
So I'm happy and thankful I have him.
- She's a lovely kid and she's actually my caregiver.
Right now she's not working and she runs all my errands,
she takes me everywhere I want to go
and does everything for me.
So I'm very proud to have her as a daughter.
- (Citlalli sighs) I guess,
I feel like you kind of made me strong,
so thank you a lot for that. And I love you a lot too.
(mellow music)
(group lightly chattering)