WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I SAID THAT WRONG.
LET ME START OVER.
WELCOME TO THE EMMY AWARD-WINNING "LATE SHOW!"
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
>> Audience: STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: VERY NICE, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TALENTED STAFF AND CREW OF THIS SHOW WON AN EMMY FOR OUR LIVE
ELECTION SPECIAL: "STEPHEN COLBERT'S ELECTION
NIGHT 2020: DEMOCRACY'S LAST STAND: BUILDING BACK AMERICA
GREAT AGAIN BETTER 2020."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
MY RESEARCH DEPARTMENT SAYS, AS FAR AS THEY CAN TELL, IT'S THE
LONGEST TITLE EVER TO WIN A PRIMETIME EMMY.
THE ONLY THING LONGER WAS THE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH BY THE
DIRECTOR OF "THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT."
( LAUGHTER )
WHO MAKES THIS SHOW HAPPEN, AN
CONGRATULATIONS.
CONGRATULATIONS-- CONGRATULATIONS.
AND I WANT TO THANK ALL OF THEM, ESPECIALLY THE SWEET, GANGLY
WEIRDO WHO CRASHED THE STAGE.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT HIM.
>> AND THE EMMY FOR VARIETY SPECIAL, LIVE, GOES TO:
"STEPHEN COLBERT'S ELECTION NIGHT 2020."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
♪ ♪ ♪ >> YES!
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I CAN NOW-- I CAN NOW REVEAL THAT CONAN
O'BRIEN HAS BEEN ONE OF MY WRITERS FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS.
COULDN'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE OF THE DIFFERENT NETWORKS.
THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE, CONAN.
SADLY, TODAY I HAD TO LET CONAN GO.
AFTER A YEAR OF COVID, CBS IS TIGHTENING BUDGETS, AND WE PAY
OUR WRITERS BY THE FOOT.
( LAUGHTER )
SQUEEZE IN ALL MY "THANK YOUS," BUT THE ACADEMY TRIED TO PLAY
ME OFF TWICE.
IN MY DEFENSE, THIS EAR DOESN'T HEAR ANYTHING, AND THIS EAR ONLY
HEARS WHAT IT WANTS TO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
KEEP IN MIND, TO WIN THAT EMMY, WE BEAT THE OSCARS, THE GRAMMYS,
THE SUPERBOWL HALFTIME SHOW, AND BIDEN'S INAUGURATION
SPECIAL.
SO TECHNICALLY--
TECHNICALLY-- OUR ELECTION SHOW BEAT THE ACTUAL ELECTION.
( LAUGHTER )
APPOINT ONE SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.
I GET TO APPOINT ONE SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.
DOLLY PARTON?
NO.
KERMIT?
CONAN.
HE'S AVAILABLE.
OF COURSE, NOW THAT I KNOW THAT LIVE ELECTION SHOWS BRING IN THE
SWEET, SWEET HOLLYWOOD GOLD, I'M ANNOUNCING MY 2021 CANADIAN
ELECTION MOOSE-TACULAR, FEATURING OUR CARTOON PRIME
MINISTER AND SASKATOONING OUT THE NEWS.
WHEN IS THAT?
WHEN IS THAT HAPPENING?
AND I'M BEING TOLD THE CANADIAN ELECTION WAS LAST NIGHT, SO
WE'LL HAVE TO SAVE THE SPECIAL UNTIL NEXT MONTH, WHEN A MOB OF
FASCIST BEAVERS STORM THE PARLIAMENT.
NOW, FOLKS, WINNING THIS EMMY WAS A GREAT WAY TO TAKE MY MIND
OFF THE FACT THAT OUR DEMOCRACY IS IN DEEP TROUBLE.
AND I KNOW THAT THANKS TO MY GUESTS TONIGHT, BOB WOODWARD AND
ROBERT COSTA--
OR AS I'M CALLING THEM, BOBERT CODWARD.
THEY'VE WRITTEN A TRULY UPSETTING NEW TELL-ALL ABOUT
THE LAST DAYS OF THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION, CALLED "PERIL."
AFTER READING THE BOOK, I THINK THE TITLE ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH.
I SUGGEST RENAMING IT "AAAAAAAGGGH!"
( LAUGHTER )
I HAVEN'T FINISHED READING "AAAAAAGH!" BECAUSE I HAD TO
STOP READING IT TO KEEP YELLING "AAAGHHHH!"
"PERIL" IS FULL OF THINGS YOU WISH YOU DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW,
LIKE THAT THE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF WAS
WORRIED THE EX-PRESIDENT MIGHT LAUNCH A NUCLEAR STRIKE TO
DISTRACT FROM THE ELECTION, THAT OUR DEMOCRACY WAS SAVED BY DAN
QUAYLE, AND THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM LAID OUT
A SIX-STEP PLAN FOR VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE TO OVERTURN
THE ELECTION.
( BOOING ) YEAH, IT'S DISTURBING.
BUT IT'S EASY TO SEE WHY THEY GAVE THE JOB TO PENCE.
EVERYONE KNOWS THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS A HARD TIME TAKING
SIX STEPS.
( LAUGHTER )
I'VE READ IT.
AND THIS BLUEPRINT FOR A FASCIST COUP WAS WRITTEN BY DISGRACED
FORMER LAW PROFESSOR AND INVENTOR OF THE SIDE TOUPEE,
JOHN EASTMAN.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT, ON JANUARY 6, HE COULD OVERTURN THE ELECTION RESULTS BY
THROWING OUT ELECTORS FROM SEVEN STATES.
SEVEN STATES!
THAT'S 15% OF THE STATES!
THOUGH IT DOES SAY IN THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE,
"WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT, THAT ALL MEN ARE
CREATED EQUAL-- OFFER NOT VALID IN PENNSYLVANIA, GEORGIA
MICHIGAN, WISCONSIN, ARIZONA, NEVADA, AND NEW MEXICO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S HOW--
HERE'S HOW EASTMAN'S EVIL PLAN WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK: PENCE
WOULD THROW OUT THOSE SEVEN STATES' ELECTORAL VOTES
BECAUSE THEY ALLEGEDLY HAD COMPETING ELECTORS.
IN FACT, NO STATE HAD ACTUALLY PUT FORWARD AN ALTERNATE SLATE
OF ELECTORS.
THERE WERE MERELY THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ALLIES CLAIMING
WITHOUT ANY AUTHORITY TO BE ELECTORS.
( AS ERIC )
I HEREBY NAME YOU 'KING PRESIDENT DAD, THE SECOND.'
NOW CAN WE PLAY CATCH?" WITH THOSE--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WITH THOSE STATES OUT OF THE MIX PENCE WOULD HAVE DECLARED THE
FORMER PRESIDENT THE WINNER WITH MORE ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTES AT
232 VOTES TO 222.
EASTMAN PREDICTED THAT ACTION WOULD RECEIVE HOWLS, OF COURSE,
FROM THE DEMOCRATS.
YES, IN FACT, IT REMINDS ME OF ALLEN GINSBERG'S "HOWL": "I SAW
THE BEST MINDS OF MY GENERATION DESTROYED BY MADNESS,
AND SOME DOUCHEBAG NAMED JOHN EASTMAN."
PER THE PLAN, PENCE THEN WOULD SAY THAT NO CANDIDATE HAD
REACHED 270 VOTES IN THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND THROW THE
ELECTION TO THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES WHERE A MAJORITY
WOULD VOTE FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO WIN THE ELECTION,
BECAUSE AT THE TIME, REPUBLICANS CONTROLLED 26 OF THE STATE
DELEGATIONS, THE BARE MAJORITY NEEDED TO WIN THAT VOTE.
THAT'S NOT WINNING AN ELECTION.
THAT'S GRABBING POWER BY A PUSSY.
BUT WHEN YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN, THEY LET YOU DO IT.
THE CONSPIRATORS WERE CONFIDENT IN THE PLAN, WITH ONE CAVEAT:
"THE MAIN THING HERE IS THAT PENCE SHOULD DO THIS WITHOUT
ASKING FOR PERMISSION-- EITHER FROM A VOTE OF THE JOINT SESSION
OR FROM THE COURT."
NOW, LUCKILY, MIKE PENCE CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT ASKING
PERMISSION:
"MOTHER, I KNOW THIS IS CONTROVERSIAL, BUT MAY I PLEASE
PUT ICE IN MY WATER?
I UNDERSTAND THAT THERE'S A CHANCE IT WILL MAKE MY TUMMY
PREGNANT."
( LAUGHTER )
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE RIOT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT OPENED A DOOR
NEAR THE RESOLUTE DESK SO HE COULD HEAR HIS PEOPLE.
HE LEFT THE DOOR OPEN THE MUFFLED SOUNDTRACK OF EXCITED
SCREAMS AND YELLS FROM HIS SUPPORTERS FILLING THE ROOM.
THAT IS SOME SERIOUS DICTATOR ENERGY.
BUT LISTENING TO A FASCIST MOB IS THE ONLY WAY THAT GUY CAN
FALL ASLEEP.
IN FACT, ON HIS NIGHTSTAND, HE HAS A WHITE POWER NOISE MACHINE:
"HEIL SLUMBER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TODAY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SURE.
WHY NOT?
EVERYBODY LOVES A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
NOW, TODAY, WOODWARD AND COSTA APPEARED ON COFFEE JOE MORNING
AND THE MORNING BREW CREW, AND WOODWARD SAID THIS ABOUT THAT
MOMENT: >> IT REMINDED ME OF NIXON
TALKING TO THE PICTURES OF FORMER PRESIDENTS ON THE WALL AT
A MOMENT AS WATERGATE WAS CRACKING OPEN AND CRACKING HIS
PRESIDENCY.
AND THE EQUIVALENT IS THAT TRUMP ISN'T TALKING TO GEORGE
WASHINGTON OR ABRAHAM LINCOLN LIKE NIXON WAS.
HE'S TALKING TO THIS MOB.
>> Stephen: AND I'M BEING TOLD WE'VE JUST RECEIVED A STATEMENT
FROM THE GHOST OF RICHARD NIXON: HEY, BOB, I MADE YOU FAMOUS.
HOW YOU GONNA DO ME LIKE THAT?
I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT GUY.
I CREATED THE E.P.A., AND THIS IS MY REAL HAIR.
IN SUMMATION, ABBBBBLA, ABBBBBLA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LUCKILY-- WOW, WOW, THE GHOST OF RICHARD NIXON.
( APPLAUSE )
LUCKILY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM DID NOT COUNT ON ONE
THING: SOME REPUBLICANS CARING IF THE UNITED STATES CONTINUES,
LIKE UTAH SENATOR MIKE LEE, WHO SAID OF PLANS TO TRY AND
OVERTURN THE RESULTS IN INDIVIDUAL STATES: "YOU MIGHT AS
WELL MAKE YOUR CASE TO QUEEN ELIZABETH II."
OKAY, LET'S ASK HER.
YOUR MAJESTY, CAN THEY PRESENT THEIR CASE TO YOU?
>> NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THANKFULLY, IF YOU WANT TO SEE A FUNCTIONING DEMOCRACY, JUST LOOK
NORTH, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, WITH VERY LITTLE DRAMA, CANADIANS
RE-ELECTED PRIME MINISTER JUSTIN TRUDEAU.
TRUDEAU CALLED THE ELECTION BACK IN AUGUST IN THE HOPES OF
GETTING A MAJORITY IN PARLIAMENT, WHICH LED TO A
36-DAY CAMPAIGN, AS OPPOSED TO OUR 2020 CAMPAIGN, WHICH
STARTED IN 2017 AND WILL LAST UNTIL THE MYPILLOW GUY IS
STRAPPED TO A ROCKET AND FIRED INTO THE HEART OF THE SUN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE THING IS?
AND UNLIKE THE $14 BILLION AMERICA JUST POURED DOWN THE
ELECTION HOLE, THIS CAMPAIGN COST CANADA $600 MILLION.
AND THOSE ARE CANADIAN DOLLARS, WHICH ARE MORE FUN TO USE
BECAUSE NONE OF THE MOOSES ON THEIR MONEY EVER OWNED
SLAVES.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE THE AUTHORS OF "PERIL," BOB WOODWARD AND ROBERT
COSTA.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
"MEANWHILE!" ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )