I went to the gym
yesterday morning y'all, to cancel my membership.
Okay. I'm not using that shit. I ain't never went, okay?
I am not, nah. LA Fitness cut me off.
I don't know what program this is, I don't want it.
I'm not giving y'all no more money.
I'm sore because I fell down the stairs drunk last night.
That's why I'm sore. Geez. Get real. They get real, real.
But yeah, I didn't just quit the gym. I didn't just quit.
I knew I had some Los Angeles stuff coming up,
so I did lose seven pounds. Thank you.
Yes, I'm excited. You know, I'm excited.
As long as the scale moved down, I'm excited.
Yes, seven pounds down. Thank you food poisoning.
Okay, what? Damn.
Yes, I lost that shit in one day.
You hear me? Forget the gym. What? I don't need no gym.
I'm only three full poisonings away.
Yes. From my weight loss goal. Turn up. What?
Full food poisoning, body on fleek.
Killing these hoes.
Yes. That's the word.
And it's free to ladies, okay? You're welcome.
You need no gym membership. You don't need nothing.
Just let that sugar sit out a little longer.
Okay? Yes. Yes.
You're going to be beach body ready.
What? Tomorrow.
You hear what I mean? Yeah. I go to the restaurant.
I send my food back, they tried to give me a plate.
No, no, no. I want the salmonella steak.
Thank you.
No, I want the salmonella steak, I got a cruise in two weeks.
I'm fat. Real talk.
Trying to get down though, I am trying to get down.
I'm serious about that.
I'm tired of catfishing people online.
Woo! Now that's fun, all right? Yeah.
Guy's so stupid, they don't care.
You cross some shit put a filter on it, bitch,
I look like Beyonce. Okay, like what?
They come pick you up, they so disappointed.
Right? Like what do you mean, it's still me?
So what? That picture for Throwback Thursday,
check your dates.
Please check your date, that was Throwback Thursday.
It's still me. It's still me. Yeah, it's still me.
And it's crazy,
because I do the online stuff because I'm single now.
I'm back on the market. Hey, back on the market.
Yeah. Thank you.
All right, let me find out, somebody in here want me.
Who said that?
No, because, and I'm say y'all this too,
because this really talk.
Like if you do have a relationship,
and y'all happy, y'all vibing, keep that shit off Facebook.
Okay? Yes. Not because I'm hating,
but people will mess your relationship up.
Like you want to tell everybody everything.
You don't have to tell everybody everything
because people going to come in your world,
and mess your stuff up.
You ain't got to let
everybody know, "Me and Bae out tonight.
Orpheum Theater. Hashtag.
Comedy Central hashtag. Power couple."
Shut the fuck up. You ain't no power.
You ain't Cookie and Lucious.
Hush. Hush. Okay?
Be happy. Enjoy your mate. Okay? Enjoy the night.
You ain't got to tell Facebook, because they going to.
It happened to me, that's what I'm telling y'all.
I was out posting, me and my guy, we happy, we vibing,
and I was posting everything. I swear to God.
My guy, his wife, inboxed the hell out of me.
I'm like, "Ugh."
Ugh. Didn't I block you?
Get off your niece page. Okay? Get off your niece page.
Yeah, it started off
on some text messages. Okay?
Oo, she was sending these long ass text. Why?
You know when somebody sent you a text message
so long it break up into 32 baby messages?
The shit come in out of order, you got to piece it together.
What? One on the phone, nine on the phone,
32 on the phone, three on the phone.
Bitch, email me.
I'm not going to piece this together.
What do you want?
I didn't know about you, beat his ass.
What did I do? I'm an innocent bystander.
Yeah, made me mad.
Talking crazy.
"Oh, you causing him not to be a good father to his kids."
I'm like, "Girl, your kids older than me,
shut the hell up talking to me. Okay?
Your kids are 40 ma'am. All right?"
Should have been got them kids a new daddy.
You're not going to blame that on me.
I just got here. Really stuff. Some other dumb shit,
"Oh, if y'all going to keep messing around,
you could have him. Y'all could just be together."
I'm like, "Girl, I don't want him. He's a cheater."
Okay, you stupid? No, thank you.
Nah. I'll find my own loser, thank you.
I don't need your Goodwill ass husband, ma'am. Thank you.