- When you're from the hood,
the first thing you're thinking,
what the fuck is wrong with this white dude?
Why his nuts hanging like that?
(throbbing electronic music)
(audience cheers)
- Thank you, everybody.
So, if you don't know, here's what the show is.
It's just a bunch of funny people
telling like 100% true stories.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the funniest women I know,
Ms. Pat, everybody.
Keep it going for Ms. Pat.
(audience cheers)
- So I went through the Welfare to Work program
through Bill Clinton.
And I know most of y'all don't know
what the fuck the Welfare to Work program is.
But it came out of your paycheck
and it helped a bitch out like me.
(audience laughs)
So, on this program I got my GED,
got off parole and got my very first job
working at McDonald's.
And I'm doing like most people do in my neighborhood
when they get they're very first job working at McDonald's.
I'm stealing $100 a day out of the register.
(audience laughs)
What's wrong, this too real for y'all?
So, I steal $100 and I had just stolen it
and nobody in the McDonald's but me and the co-worker.
So I ease the shit in my pocket
and I'm just talking to the co-worker
'cause there ain't nobody in there
and I see this fucking black van circle McDonald's.
And you know, when you're from the hood,
you see a black van circle, the first thing you out.
That either the police
or somebody about to shoot your ass.
(audience laughs)
So, the van circled twice and then this white guy
get out and he come in and he got this plug in his ear.
And I'm like, holy fuck.
They done caught me stealing.
I'm going back to jail.
Two seconds later he look around.
He say, it's clear, send him in.
Now, I tell you, this shit shocked the shit out of me.
In walk President Jimmy Carter.
(light clapping)
I know his face, but I don't know his name
and now I'm looking at him because he got his pants
all jacked up and his nut sack hanging over to the side.
When you from the hood the first thing you thinking
what the fuck is wrong with this white dude?
Why're his nuts hanging like that?
I didn't know his name, but you know,
I was like, damn, I think I know him.
So he get to the register and I went to take his order
and the Secret Service standing there.
And you know, I'm crazy at this time in my life.
You know, just doing drive bys and selling dope
and you know, robbing white people.
I'm getting my life back together, white people.
(audience laughs)
Jimmy Carter get to the register
and I do the most ghetto shit ever.
I look at Jimmy Carter and I said,
"Nigger, where the fuck I know you from?"
(audience laughs)
Secret Service busts out laughing.
(audience laughs)
I'm standing there with a straight face
'cause this nigger look familiar to me.
Jimmy Carter turned pink.
He said, "Young lady, young lady."
I'm like, what the fuck do you want to eat, nigger.
You know?
(audience laughs)
So, he ordered a cheeseburger, a side salad
and a water.
By this time the boy on the grill was like,
"Patricia, that's the President of the United States."
I turn around with my ghetto ass and told him,
"Nigger, I told you I know you.
"Your cheeseburger free."
(audience laughs)
Y'all, that's my Jimmy Carter story.
(audience cheers)
(throbbing electronic music)