WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HOW WAS EVERYONE'S WEEKEND?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAVE A GOOD ONE?
MINE WAS GREAT.
I WAS DOWN IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
REALLY RELAXING.
NO INTERNET.
THEY DON'T HAVE IT THERE YET.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I HEARD THERE WAS AN ARTICLE
ABOUT CBS CHAIRMAN AND MAN I HOPE ISN'T WATCHING TONIGHT'S
MONOLOGUE, LES MOONVES.
( LAUGHTER ) WHERE WAS THE ARTICLE?
>> "THE NEW YORKER."
>> STEPHEN: QUALITY PUBLICATION.
WAS IT ONE OF THOSE CARTOONS?
TALK OF THE TOWN?
WAS IT A SHOUT OR A MURMUR?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WHO WROTE IT?
>> "THE NEW YORKER" ARTICLE BY RONAN FARROW.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: THAT'S NOT GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RONAN ISN'T EXACTLY KNOWN FOR
HIS PUFF PIECES ABOUT GLAMPING.
OKAY, WELL, I GUESS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS SO, JIM?
>> SIX WOMEN WHO HAVE PROFESSIONAL DEALINGS WITH HIM
, LESLES MOONVES, TOLD ME THAT BETWEEN THE 1980S
AND THE LATE 2000S, MOONVES SEXUALLY HARASSED THEM, FOUR
DESCRIBED FORCIBLE TOUCHING OR KISSING IN BUSINESS MEETINGS IN
WHAT THEY SAID APPEARED TO BE A PRACTICED ROUTINE.
>> STEPHEN: WELL, YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: HOW DO YOU GET IN A
RONAN FARROW ARTICLE?
PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.
( LAUGHTER ) IS THIS JUST THIS AFTERNOON?
THIS HAPPENED MOMENTS AGO.
THIS CBS BOARD MET TODAY AND ANNOUNCED THEY'RE IN THE PROCESS
OF HIRING OUTSIDE INVESTIGATORS.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY'RE OUTSOURCING THIS, THEY COULD
JUST USE THE CAST OF THE NEW CBS PROCEDURAL, "CSI: CEO."
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL HAVE MORE TO SAY ON THIS
LATER OVER THERE, ASSUMING WE MAKE IT PAST THE COMMERCIAL
BREAK.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S ALSO ALLEGATIONS AGAINST
SOMEBODY I DON'T WORK FOR.
BECAUSE LAST WEEK WE LEARNED THAT "KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE
ALLEGEDLY LEFT FOX NEWS AMID ACCUSATIONS OF SEXUAL
MISCONDUCT."
SO THAT'S WHERE WE'RE AT.
YEAH.
THE BEST NEWS OF THE DAY IS THAT WOMEN CAN ALSO BE GUILTY OF
SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
WHAT A TRAILBLAZER!
YOU GO, GIRL!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU GO!
SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY -- SERIOUSLY, YOU SHOULD GO.
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO MULTIPLE SOURCES AT
FOX NEWS, "GUILFOYLE'S BEHAVIOR INCLUDED SHOWING PERSONAL
PHOTOGRAPHS OF MALE GENITALIA TO COLLEAGUES AND IDENTIFYING WHOSE
GENITALS THEY WERE."
WHICH IS HORRIBLE WORKPLACE BEHAVIOR AND ALSO THE LEAST
POPULAR EDITION OF THE BOARD GAME, "GUESS WHO?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
EVER PLAY THAT?
>> Jon: NO, I DON'T MESS WITH THAT ONE.
THAT'S ANOTHER VERSION.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
AND THIS STORY BECOMES WAY MORE INTERESTING WHEN YOU KNOW THAT
GUILFOYLE IS CURRENTLY DATING "PRESIDENTIAL SON AND MAN
REACTING TO HIS GIRLFRIEND'S PHOTO COLLAGE, DONALD TRUMP,
JR."
WHICH MEANS, AND BRACE YOURSELVES FOR THIS, THERE'S A
CHANCE GUILFOYLE WAS FORCING PEOPLE TO LOOK AT DON'S...
JUNIOR.
( LAUGHTER ) I HEAR THE CARPET IS AS GELLED
AS THE DRAPES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
STRAIGHT -- STRAIGHT BACK.
BUT THE HUGE NEWS WAS THAT MICHAEL COHEN CLAIMED THAT TRUMP
NOT ONLY KNEW IN ADVANCE ABOUT THE INFAMOUS 2016 TRUMP TOWER
MEETING, BUT THAT HE ALSO APPROVED GOING AHEAD WITH THE
MEETING.
WHAT A SHOCKER.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE THE ENDING OF "THE
SIXTH SENSE" WHERE BRUCE WILLIS FINALLY NOTICES HALEY JOEL
OSMENT'S "I'M WITH DEAD GUY" SHIRT.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THIS WAS SO OBVIOUS,
IT'S THE COVER OF THIS WEEK'S "IT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT"
MAGAZINE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT EVEN IF THIS IS OBVIOUS,
IT'S STILL A BIG DEAL.
THIS IS WHOLE BALL OF WAX, BECAUSE THAT'S KNOWINGLY
RECEIVING HELP FROM A HOSTILE FOREIGN POWER TO INFLUENCE OUR
ELECTION.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE ON THAT,
BUT THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OF COURSE, INFORMATION MAKES TRUMP MAD, AND THIS WEEKEND, HIS
THUMBS TOOK HIS ANGER OUT ON TWITTER 'CAUSE HE CRANKED OUT 35
TWEETS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH.
SO PROLIFIC.
HE'S THE STEPHEN KING OF THE HORROR STORY WE LIVE IN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) A LOT OF DIFFERENT SUBJECTS.
A LOT OF DIFFERENT SUBJECTS.
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
LOT OF DIFFERENT SUBJECTS, BUT A LOT OF IT WAS CHAFF, LIKE
THIS: "WOW, HIGHEST POLL NUMBERS IN
THE HISTORY OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
THAT INCLUDES HONEST ABE LINCOLN AND RONALD REAGAN.
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG, PLEASE RECHECK THAT POLL!"
OKAY, WE DID!
TURNS OUT, PRESIDENTIAL POLLING DIDN'T START UNTIL 1935.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, OF COURSE, LINCOLN DID
BADLY.
WHO WANTS TO VOTE FOR A GUY WHO'S BEEN DEAD FOR 70 YEARS?
ME, IF HE'S RUNNING AGAINST TRUMP IN THE NEXT ELECTION.
DEAD ABE 2020: MAKE AMERICA GRAVE AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TWEETS WEREN'T THE ONLY WAY
TRUMP FOUGHT BACK-- HE ALSO UNLEASHED TRUMP ATTORNEY AND MAN
WATCHING THEM OPEN THE ARK OF THE COVENANT, RUDY GIULIANI.
( LAUGHTER ) SO IT'S GIULIANI VERSUS COHEN,
AND AS ALISYN CAMEROTA POINTED OUT TODAY ON CNN'S "NEW DAY"
TODAY, THIS FEUD IS A RECENT DEVELOPMENT.
>> YOU HAD SAID NOT TWO MONTHS AGO THAT MICHAEL COHEN WAS AN
HONEST AND HONORABLE MAN.
NOW YOU'RE SAYING HE'S A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR?
HOW IS IT?
>> WELL, THAT'S ABOUT AS UNFAIR AS YOU CAN SAY.
HOW DID I KNOW HE WAS A LAWYER TAPING HIS CLIENT?
YOU TELL ME A LAWYER IS TAPING HIS CLIENT, I GOTTA SAY SORRY, I
MADE A MISTAKE, THE GUY IS UNETHICAL, HE'S A SCUMBAG, HE'S
A HORRIBLE PERSON.
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF A LAWYER TAPING HIS CLIENT WITHOUT THE
CLIENT'S CONSENT.
>> WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S JUDGMENT?
>> HE MADE-- HE TURNED OUT TO HAVE A CLOSE FRIEND BETRAY HIM,
LIKE IAGO BETRAYED OTHELLO, AND BRUTUS PUT THE LAST KNIFE INTO
CAESAR.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A PRETTY LOFTY COMPARISON.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS ISN'T SHAKESPEAREAN
BETRAYAL.
THIS ISN'T EVEN THAT EPISODE OF "JERSEY SHORE" WHERE SNOOKI AND
JWOWW WROTE THE NOTE TO SAMMI TELLING HER THAT RON CHEATED
THAT NIGHT AFTER THEY HAD A FIGHT AT "KLUTCH."
( APPLAUSE ) IS WHATT SAYS HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEN THEY WENT ON TO COVER THE PRESIDENT'S WEEKEND RAGE-TWEETS.
>> IS ROBERT MUELLER EVER GOING TO RELEASE HIS CONFLICTS OF
INTEREST WITH RESPECT TO PRESIDENT TRUMP, INCLUDING THE
FACT WE HAD A VERY NASTY AND CONTENTIOUS BUSINESS
RELATIONSHIP?
WHAT'S HE REFERRING TO?
WHAT IS IT?
>> BUT THAT'S UP TO THE PRESIDENT AND MUELLER TO
DESCRIBE, NOT PART OF MY LEGAL REPRESENTATION.
>> WAIT A MINUTE, THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
HOW CAN THE PRESIDENT MAKE THIS CLAIM AND NOT SUPPORT IT?
>> BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO.
>> WHY IS IT UP TO ROBERT MUELLER TO SUPPORT THE
PRESIDENT'S TWEET?
>> BECAUSE HE HAS THE CONFLICT, NOT THE PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: YES, IF SOMEONE STARTS A RUMOR ABOUT YOU, IT'S
"YOUR RESPONSIBILITY" TO ADDRESS THAT RUMOR.
LIKE IF I SAY RUDY GIULIANI HAS SEX WITH UNDERAGE GOATS, IT'S UP
TO HIM TO PROVE ME WRONG.
RELEASE THE TAPES OF YOU NOT HAVING SEX WITH GOATS, RUDY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RELEASE THE TAPES!
RELEASE THE TAPES!
( AUDIENCE CHANTING ) >> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD.
WE'VE MADE OUR POINT.
AT A CERTAIN POINT, GIULIANI HAD HAD ENOUGH OF THESE QUESTIONS
ABOUT THINGS THAT HE SAID, AND HE SAW HIS CHANCE TO EXIT.
>> HOLD THAT THOUGHT, MR. MAYOR--
>> NO, NO, I'M GOING TO LEAVE AFTER THIS ONE.
>> WE'VE SCARED YOU AWAY?
>> OH, YEAH, YOU SCARED ME AWAY.
I LOOK REALLY SCARED.
NO, IT'S STARTING TO GET USELESS.
THE CONVERSATION IS STARTING TO GET REALLY, REALLY PETTY AND
SILLY.
>> REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID THAT YOU WOULD STAY ALL DAY TO TALK
ABOUT THIS.
>> OKAY, I'LL STAY ONE MORE TIME BUT YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE ME SOME
COFFEE.
>> OKAY, GOT IT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
COFFEE COMING UP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: WAIT THAT'S ALL IT
TAKES TO RENT RUDY GIULIANI?
"THIS IS AN OUTRAGE AND A SHAM.
HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?
OH, IS THAT A LATTE?
I'M STICKING AROUND."
( LAUGHTER ) AND GIULIANI ALSO UNVEILED
WHAT'S SURE TO BE AN AIRTIGHT DEFENSE FOR HIS CLIENT.
>> THEY ARE NOT GOING TO BE COLLUDING ABOUT RUSSIANS, WHICH
I'M NOT EVEN KNOW IF THAT'S A CRIME, COLLUDING ABOUT RUSSIANS.
>> STEPHEN: "I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT'S A CRIME?"
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE HIS LAWYER, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THE LAW IS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S LIKE YOUR DOCTOR GOING:
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT'S A DISEASE: BLEEDING FROM YOUR
EYEBALLS."
"I DON'T KNOW, WHO KNOWS?" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND HE WENT ON -- EYEBALL BLEEDING, I DON'T KNOW.
AND HE WENT ON TO DESCRIBE THE REAL CRIME.
>> YOU START ANALYZING THE CRIME.
THE HACKING IS THE CRIME.
>> THAT CERTAINLY IS THE ORIGINAL PROBLEM, YES.
>> WELL, THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T HACK!
>> OF COURSE NOT, THAT'S THE ORIGINAL PROBLEM.
>> HE DIDN'T PAY THEM FOR HACKING.
>> STEPHEN: YES, HE DIDN'T PAY THEM FOR HACKING.
AND I HOPE HE'S NOT PAYING YOU FOR LAWYERING, EITHER.
( LAUGHTER ) HOLD ON A SECOND --
BESIDES, DO WE KNOW HE DIDN'T DO THE HACK?
DO WE HAVE A DESCRIPTION OF THE HACKER?
>> IT ALSO COULD BE SOMEBODY SITTING ON THEIR BED THAT WEIGHS
400 POUNDS, OKAY?
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, SO HE COULD'VE DONE IT.
IT'S POSSIBLE.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
239.
>> Jon: 239, HUH?
>> Stephen: AND IT TURNS OUT THAT "COLLUSION IS NOT A CRIME"
IS THE SONG OF THE SUMMER BECAUSE WE'RE HEARING A LOT OF
IT ALL OF A SUDDEN.
>> I HAVE BEEN SITTING HERE LOOKING AT THE FEDERAL CODE
TRYING TO FIND COLLUSION AS A CRIME.
>> IT'S NOT.
COLLUSION IS NOT A CRIME.
>> WE'VE DISCUSSED THIS BEFORE, COLLUSION IS NOT A CRIME.
>> AND COLLUSION IS NOT A CRIME.
>> THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS COLLUSION IS NOT A CRIME.
>> STEPHEN: WOW, THEY ARE REALLY MOVING THE GOALPOSTS ON THIS.
FIRST, IT WAS "RUSSIA DIDN'T INTERFERE IN THE ELECTION."
THEN IT WAS "OKAY, THEY DID, BUT NOBODY ON THE TRUMP TEAM MET
WITH THEM."
THEN IT WAS, "OKAY, THEY DID, BUT IT WAS JUST ABOUT
ADOPTIONS."
THEN IT WAS "OKAY, THEY OFFERED US DIRT ON HILLARY, BUT THERE
WAS NO COLLUSION."
AND NOW WE'RE AT "COLLUSION IS NOT A CRIME."
WHAT'S NEXT?
"OKAY, COLLUSION'S A CRIME, BUT IT'S JUST A LITTLE CRIME."
AND THEN IT'LL BE, "SINCE WHEN ARE CRIMES ILLEGAL?"
( LAUGHTER ) "IF CRIMES ARE ILLEGAL, TAKE ME
AWAY."
OH, OKAY!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO, WE KNEW ABOUT THE MEETING AT TRUMP TOWER WITH DON, JR AND THE
RUSSIANS, AND THE MEETING COHEN CLAIMS TOOK PLACE WHERE DON, JR
GOT HIS DAD'S APPROVAL FOR THE RUSSIA MEETING.
BUT TODAY, RUDY ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED A THIRD MEETING WE'VE
NEVER HEARD ABOUT BEFORE.
>> COHEN ALSO NOW SAYS THAT-- HE SAYS TOO MUCH-- THAT TWO DAYS
BEFORE HE WAS PARTICIPATING IN A MEETING WITH ROUGHLY THE SAME
GROUP OF PEOPLE, BUT NOT THE PRESIDENT, DEFINITELY NOT THE
PRESIDENT-- IN WHICH THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT THE STRATEGY OF
THE MEETING WITH THE RUSSIANS.
>> STEPHEN: SO ACCORDING TO GIULIANI, MICHAEL COHEN SAYS
THAT TWO DAYS BEFORE THE TRUMP TOWER MEETING WITH RUSSIANS,
THERE WAS A STRATEGY MEETING, WHICH THEY PROBABLY SHOULD'VE
HAD BEFORE THEY HIRED RUDY GIULIANI.
BECAUSE, THERE'S NO INDICATION THIS PLANNING MEETING WAS PUBLIC
KNOWLEDGE BEFORE GIULIANI BROUGHT IT UP ON-AIR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN OTHER WORDS -- SURPRISE!
IN OTHER WORDS, HE'S BRINGING SOMETHING UP JUST TO TELL YOU
HIS CLIENT ISN'T GUILTY OF IT.
( LAUGHTER ) "THAT BODY THAT NO ONE'S FOUND
IN THE CREEK?
THE PRESIDENT DEFINITELY DIDN'T PUT IT THERE."
HE'S JUST GIVING AWAY DAMAGING INFORMATION!
HE'S GOING TO BE THE FIRST LAWYER EVER TO HAVE TO TREAT
HIMSELF AS A HOSTILE WITNESS.
NOW, RUDY SEEMED TO REALIZE THAT HE HAD MADE A LEGAL
OOPS-A-COLLUSION, SO HE WENT ON FOX NEWS TO TRY TO EXPLAIN...
SOMETHING.
>> WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT THE PRESIDENT WASN'T AT THE MEETING?
I UNDERSTAND THOSE TWO MEETINGS THAT YOU JUST SET OUT THERE, BUT
THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY YOU'RE SAYING.
WHO ASKED IF HE WAS THERE?
NO ONE ASKED IF HE WAS THERE.
>> COHEN IS ALLEGING THE MEETING TOOK PLACE AND WE ARE MAKING IT
CLEAR THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT AT THAT MEETING.
NEVER TOOK PLACE.
(CROSSTALK) DIDN'T HAPPEN.
>> GOT IT.
>> STEPHEN: SO THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT AT THE MEETING THAT DIDN'T
HAPPEN.
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH MEANS IT HAPPENED AND HE
CALLED THE MEETING.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
IT?
>> WE HEARD YOU SAY TODAY WAS THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT AT THAT
MEETING.
THAT ACTUALLY TAKES ON A QUESTION THAT HAS NOT BEEN ASKED
OR EVEN SUGGESTED.
SO WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?
>> BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT MEETINGS.
THERE WAS ANOTHER MEETING THAT HAS BEEN LEAKED THAT HASN'T BEEN
PUBLIC YET.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: I THINK I FOUND THE
LEAKER!