FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT MYSELF THAT MUCH, BUT
LONGTIME VIEWERS OF LAST NIGHT'S SHOW KNOW THAT YESTERDAY I
TALKED ABOUT HOT DOGS, A SUBJECT NEAR AND DEAR TO MY HEART,
BECAUSE THEY ARE LODGED IN MY ARTERIES.
AS I MENTIONED, A SHOCKING INVESTIGATION HAS FOUND THAT
AFTER TESTING 75 BRANDS OF HOT DOGS, 2% OF THEM CONTAINED HUMAN
D.N.A.
THAT'S RIGHT, SOME OF THOSE HOT DOGS ARE ACTUALLY HOT "DOUGS."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW...
( LAUGHTER ) STILL SOUND PRETTY GOOD, THOUGH.
STILL SOUND PRETTY GOOD.
NOW, THE REPORT DOESN'T SPECIFY THE SOURCE OF THE HUMAN D.N.A.
IS IT HAIR?
IS IT FINGERNAILS?
DID A LONELY FACTORY WORKER STAY LATE ONE NIGHT AND SEDUCE A
SAUSAGE CASING MACHINE?
COULD YOUR PIG IN A BLANKET HAVE A BUN IN THE OVEN?
WHO KNOWS?
FOLKS... YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT IMAGE, BY THE WAY.
FOLKS, THIS NEWS COMPLETELY CHANGES AMERICA'S LOVE AFFAIR
WITH THE ALL-BEEF FRANK.
OR SHOULD I SAY THE ALL-FRANK BEEF?
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE SAD MEAT NEWS JUST KEEPS
ON COMING BECAUSE TODAY I HEARD SOMETHING THAT WAS A GRADE-A
BUMMER.
>> BAD NEWS FOR BACON LOVERS AND LOVERS OF A LOT OF THINGS.
THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION RULED THAT BACON, SAUSAGE, AND
OTHER PROCESSED MEATS CAN CAUSE CANCER.
>> IT PUT PROCESSED MEAT IN THE SAME DANGER CATEGORY AS
CIGARETTES AND ASBESTOS.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
SMOKED MEATS ARE AS DANGEROUS AS ASBESTOS?
THERE GOES MY PLAN TO INSULATE MY ATTIC WITH JERKY!
HOW CAN CURED MEAT BE BAD FOR YOU?
IT'S GOT THE WORD "CURE" RIGHT IN THE NAME!
NEXT, YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME THAT LIFESAVERS DON'T HELP
DROWNING PEOPLE!
( LAUGHTER ) MAKES NO SENSE.
THIS IS SAD, SO SAD.
I LIVE FOR MEAT.
I HAVE-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- A TWO-POUND SLAB OF BACON IN MY
FRIDGE AT ALL TIMES.
I'VE GOT TO.
I'M THE FATHER OF TWO TEENAGE BOYS.
THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET THEM OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING IS TO FRY
UP SOME BACON.
THAT'S WHAT THE KIDS CALL "WAKIN' AND BACON."
THAT SMELLS, YOU GET THAT STUFF SIZZLING IN THE PAN
IT MAKES THEM FLOAT DOWN TO THE KITCHEN LIKE A CARTOON HOBO
FOLLOWING THE SMELL WAVES FROM A PIE.
YOU THINK THEY'LL COME RUNNING DOWNSTAIRS TO THE SCENT OF ME
WASHING KALE?
"KIDS, IT'S TIME FOR BREAKFAST.
COME WATCH DADDY CRY INTO HIS CANTALOUPE."
BUT NOW, ACCORDING TO DOCTORS, I CAN'T SMOKE AND I CAN'T EAT
BACON, BUT THEY HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT "SMOKING BACON."
HERE WE GO.
MMMM-MMMM-MMMM-MMMM-MMM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S ACTUALLY BETTER THAN I IMAGINED.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT BE CAREFUL.
BE CAREFUL, THOUGH.
THE PORK THESE DAYS IS SO MUCH STRONGER THAN IT WAS IN THE
'60s.
BUT THE THING THAT REALLY GETS MY GOAT-- IF I CAN EVEN HAVE
GOAT ANYMORE-- IS THE WAY VEGETARIANS REACTED TO THIS
NEWS.
BECAUSE USING THE HASHTAG "SMUG VEGETARIAN"-- WHICH IS
REDUNDANT, BY THE WAY-- THEY GOT ALL VEGGIER-THAN-THOU ON
TWITTER, SAYING THINGS LIKE, "HA, I'M ALWAYS RIGHT.
NOW I HAVE PROOF.
SEE YA, BACON EATERS!" AND "MUA-HA-HA, RED MEAT CAUSES
CANCER, LIKE WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT ALREADY.
SORRY, MEAT EATERS.
OH, HA-HA!
HERE'S A VEGETARIAN JOKE.
"WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
I HOPE YOU GET CANCER."
( LAUGHTER ) I GET IT, VEGETARIANS.
WHEN YOU SEE YOUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS SUFFERING, IT'S FUNNY.
BUT HEAVEN FORBID I SHOULD EAT A SHRIMP!
YOU ARE AWARE THAT AN EAR OF CORN HAS A BETTER CHANCE AT
FORMING A COHERENT THOUGHT THAN A SHRIMP, RIGHT?
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CONVERSATION WITH A SHRIMP?
IT'S ALMOST AS BORING AS TALKING TO A VEGETARIAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND, I HOPE-- I HOPE YOU'RE COMFORTABLE ON
THAT HIGH HORSE THAT YOU REFUSE TO EAT, VEGGIES, BECAUSE YOU
GOT ME.
SLAP THE CUFFS ON, OFFICER TOFU.
EATING MEAT IS BAD FOR YOU.
OF COURSE, I DON'T ENGAGE IN THAT KIND OF PETTY
SCHADENFREUDE, SO IT BRINGS ME ABSOLUTELY NO PLEASURE TO TELL
YOU THAT THE SAME HOT DOG STUDY I MENTIONED EARLIER ALSO FOUND
THAT 10% OF VEGETARIAN HOT DOGS CONTAIN MEAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S RIGHT!
THAT'S RIGHT!
YOU KNOW THAT TIME YOU THOUGHT YOU TASTED SOMETHING FLAVORFUL?
THAT WAS THE MEAT.
KEEP IN MIND-- RIGHT, RIGHT?
AM I RIGHT.
AND KEEP IN MIND, NOT JUST ANY MEAT, BECAUSE IN TWO-THIRDS OF
ALL VEGETARIAN HOT DOGS, THEY ALSO FOUND HUMAN
D.N.A.
TWO-THIRDS!
TOFU DOGS ARE PEOPLE!
THEY'RE PEOPLE!
SO, VEGETARIANS, STICK THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT.