The more things change, the more they they the same.
Unless they change too much, in which case a line has bee crossed and there’s hell
to pay.
While everyone complains constantly about samey and overplayed tropes, the moment something
goes a little off the rails, all of those complaints fall away in a chorus of THEY CHANGED
IT NOW IT SUCKS.
Behold, The King of Fighters XII: the scion of one of the most storied lineages in the
pantheon of punching.
Twelve games down the road, it’s time for a change.
Not so drastic as Maximum Impact, though; we’ll stay in 2D, thank you very much.
But let’s shake things up.
Wait, Wait.
Wait.
Hold the phone.
Hold the no longer a Mario sound phone.
The hell’s up with arcade mode?
Time trials?
TIME TRIALS?
This isn’t a race, it’s a fighting game!
Who cares how long it takes you to win, so long as you win!
But no, the traditional story-infused arcade mode - a series of fights, maybe some banter
interspersed between rounds - is out the second-story window, in favor of a series of five three-on-three
bouts, with time of the essence.
So essential, in fact, that you can re-fight each bout once just to try to improve your
time.
I know!
What the hell’s all that about?
Of course, your reward for impressive time is: achievements.
And that’s about it.
Awright.
We might be able to tolerate the weird arcade mode, because it’s for head-to-head fighting
and anyone playing against the computer is antisocial and afraid of laying it on the
line online.
Wait.
The online’s crappy too?
And no one plays it?
Well, scrap that.
Back to the arcade mode!
I suppose we can make the best of MY LIFE WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO SPEAK ENGLISH.
Honestly, there’s a reason I’m not a Shonen Knife fan, and they’ve hit the nail on the
head.
Sure, you dub the entire cast, but not the NEWSCAST.
I’m beginning to lose faith.
At least the graphics are...
Huge and extremely pixellated.
And man, does Kim look pissed.
He’s supposed to be a warrior of justice!
The feet that destroy evil with a single kick!
That just looks like he had a particularly dicey burrito and he needs a caplet.
Not to mention those French people indulging their gluttony behind him.
Because that’s exactly what this game needed, some racial stereotypes.
Man, even then, the backgrounds look infinitely better than the characters.
This may be the only fighting game where cornering your foe has the side-effect of making them
almost impossible to see, thanks to overenthusiastic shadow effects.
This isn’t a D&D game, my opponents shouldn’t get STEALTH ROLLS.
So.
The graphics are large, not particularly good, and obfuscated by their own overzealous effects,
the vocals are grating, the online is a barren wasteland of irrepsonsive, and the offline
is a right abomination.
I’d say there’s a reason this game never made the impact of, say, Super Street Fighter
4 or BlazBlue, but I seem to have given closer to half a dozen.
Heck, it doesn’t even come with a series-retrospective soundtrack.
No extras, no story, no character information, nothing.
Oh well.
Even the best series have their missteps.
So here it is, the Hotel Mario of King of Fighters.
The Mystic Quest of KoF.
Walk away.
Just walk away, return to your Street Fighters and Guilty Gears and tireless countdowns to
the release of Skullgirls.
Or, heck, just play KOF XIII.
That’s fine too.