[Music]
hey everyone it's a girl Jen and today
we are talking about therapy and my
whole experience on finding a therapist
honestly this is gonna be a long one
it's gonna be kind of like a storytime I
want to walk you through all the
therapists that I went through what I
liked about it what I didn't and how it
took me like this long to find a
therapist that I just clicked with so
I've been going to therapy for two years
now and I'm really proud of myself that
I kept it up because I see the
improvements now it's like night and day
I feel it in me the people around me see
it and that's why I'm really happy that
I never gave up honestly finding the
perfect therapist is kind of like dating
there's a lot at stake there's a lot of
expectation there's different
personalities and the chemistry has to
be right and it's just generally
emotionally draining and it took me
around eight months to find the
therapist that I really vibed with so I
guess I'll start by explaining why I
decided to go to therapy it was the
beginning of 2017 I just got engaged to
Ben and I became very very reflective
because I realized if I wanted to spend
the rest of my life with my partner
there were some character falls that I
wanted to address some themes were you
know my ID my anger depression mood
swings vanity shoes you know the
repressions of having a question just
like a whole laundry list that my Virgo
mine thought of and I think with therapy
you have to be ready to go like you have
to want to change and you need to give a
lot and I would say with therapy like
the more you give and like dig out of
yourself the more effective it is so
phase one was to find a therapist so I
have a healthcare plan you know I
researched to see if you know therapy or
mental health was part of my program
luckily it was I you know I did this all
through the phone because the website I
find very confusing and I just wanted to
talk to a human being that could
redirect me to another human being and
yeah I found my first therapist the only
thing
that I requested for was a woman because
I felt like I would be more comfortable
around a woman and like a wound would be
able to relate to my problems more so I
booked my first appointment I was super
excited I had you know my list of things
that I wanted to fix about myself the
woman that I got she was like a really
older nice lady she was an Ecuador she
was like very calm like almost like a
tired calm but you know I just wanted to
just feel it out and I just thought like
eventually maybe you know as our
relationship progressed she would you
know become warmer to me and so I go in
there and the thing with my health care
plan is that the sessions are only 45
minutes long so the second I sat down I
was like this is my life story this is
my relationship with my parents this is
you know maybe why I have my anger
issues like I literally cried so much I
cried a frickin river like that
the session was over and I was like oh
God and you know I felt better but I
felt like okay so this is my first
session it's down I can't wait for my
next one when I went to pick book my
second appointment they said that I
could only see her every two weeks
because she was so booked up and I was
like well golly I don't want to find a
new therapist and say my life story all
over again I just kind of wanted to
build on the relationship that already
had I saw her two more times the last
two sessions they were helpful but
they're the it's not what I needed
because I needed something a little bit
longer because every time I would leave
the session like right when the
45-minute timer went up I literally had
to leave the office because there was
someone in the door waiting for their
session so it just felt like very
mechanical and she seemed really tired
like I mean I don't blame her like she
also didn't remember me every time I
came in which was kind of a bummer like
I don't want to put myself on a pedestal
but it just it just feels impersonal
when they just don't have like a
connection with you and so that's when I
realized okay so this was a good warm-up
for me I want to find a therapist that
one remembers me and - I can see more
frequently and for longer for my second
therapist I decided to find her on Yelp
I figured that if I you know find cool
restaurants and bars there surely I'd
find a great therapy
so I did a search I found a therapist
with like the highest reviews and the
most reviews and I decided to go to her
I saw her a total of six times and even
though it did not end very well I did
learn a lot like I don't regret spending
the money I did because you know I came
back with least something so the first
session I gave her my entire monologue I
cried my eyes out I it felt good to say
it the second time because you know as I
was saying that story more things
started to become a lot clearer in my
mind like I was starting to connect the
dots of why I was so puzzled with these
micro traumas in my life
the second session was also good it was
going pretty well it's like you know
feeling you're filling her in on my life
but then she you know brought up this
idea of you know ayahuasca and
apparently she does like these ayahuasca
ceremonies and she really kind of pushed
John me and if you guys don't know
ayahuasca is it's like a psychoactive
drug that's used in you know spiritual
ceremonies you know you take it and then
you have these like revelations but I
just you know that's just not the
solution I was looking for so I was like
no I'm good I just kind of want to
continue this therapy the third session
rolled around she is still pushing
ayahuasca on me she's telling me that if
I drink this it's going to make me
confront all my deepest fears and
insecurities like all at once but I
don't know I just I like I just did I
thought like my first time saying no
would be enough but she just kept on
pushing it and I felt really frustrated
because I'm just kind of like yo like
I'm literally I want to do this sober
like I want to find my solutions sober
and sure it may have been effective for
other people but generally for me at
this moment of my life it sounds super
terrifying I don't want to drive all the
way to Joshua Tree and ingest this with
like strangers and then throw up and cry
and you know and then maybe I would have
a revolution but it's just like not what
I was trying to do so again I dismissed
it I firmly told her no I do not want to
do this and luckily she didn't bring it
up again by the fourth and fifth
therapist session I started to see
these red flags so the first red flag
was she was always talking way more than
I was I would say the speaking ratio was
70/30 she was speaking 70% and I was
speaking 30% and the second red flag was
she always had these like solutions for
me but they always felt very premature
because you know she would tell me like
you should do this you should do that
but I just felt like well I'm not like
done yet I feel like I didn't give you
enough context like I feel like we could
talk this out and maybe at the end you
can give me a couple solutions but I
don't know it's okay look I do enjoy
when people tell me what to do but I
want them to hear me out first before
they they give me a solution you know
it's that way they can at least like
analyze all the things I'm saying and
then just give me like you know one good
solution or something but I must say
through all the solutions that she's
rattled off to me I did come away with a
few one solution was you know reducing
my alcohol intake it's a depressant and
you know for a moment of my life I was
drinking maybe three to four times a
week definitely not proud of it go to a
lot of events and you know if there's an
open bar I'm like good but regardless
like I like reduced my alcohol intake
she also explained to me you know the
importance and the whole explanation of
meditation I feel like that was like one
whole session where she was just going
on about meditation
it was interesting but I felt like you
know I felt like I paid for a lecture
not for like a therapist appointment but
the thing is it really made me meditate
more she also taught me some tools to
preserve myself in toxic social
situations and we also even did like a
hypnotherapy session where you know she
laid me down on the couch and she
basically told me these affirmations
over and over again like it was cool but
I felt like I could just do that with a
nap so this leads to like the final
straw and the final session of us so I
was speaking to her about my
relationship with my parents and as an
asian-american I feel like I owe my
parents everything like I don't know
what it is but it's almost just like
this weight where I just want to take
care of them and I was telling her the
stresses that I have of you know
supporting my family and stuff and she
basically looked at me and told me you
need to cut these ties with your parents
you do not owe your parents anything
they are not your responsibility
and like I got pissed like I was very
upset
I felt like she just didn't understand
what it's like to be under like an
asian-american household or I have Asian
parents or any like person of colors
background I feel like she was like
minimizing my problems and just kind of
putting me in this box and just being
like oh well I know you grew up that way
your whole life but just like stop you
don't owe them anything but you probably
said that from a good place but it's
just not she was not the person to tell
me that so yeah I never saw her again
after that and I felt very unsettled but
I didn't want to give up so again went
on Yelp found another therapist with
high reviews but she was like a little
farther like an hour away and yeah I did
a 90 minute session she was you know
cool it was like a distance but again
it's the first session what can you
expect with her I like said my whole you
know monologue again about my life story
and I actually cried a little less and
so I was like mmm like I think this is
progress you know I think I'm starting
to heal so we did this thing called like
visualization and she made me close my
eyes and visualize my like soul come out
of my body and basically go all the way
back in the past to my first memory of
anger and I was like pretty skeptical I
was like okay lady like let me try this
like I don't think just a memories gonna
pop up out of nowhere but after 10
minutes of like literally just closing
my eyes lo and behold a memory came up
and this is not a dream this is like
actually something that happened but I
just forgot because I remember me and my
mom talking about it afterwards but
basically this was in first grade I had
like this gorgeous set of oil pastel
crayons that my parents got me and I
adored them so much and I brought them
to school and I remember that day my
teacher explaining the importance of
sharing and yeah that was a lesson of
the day and then it was drawing time and
my oil pastels and I was drawing my
little bunny and you know a girl grabs
my crayon starting to draw and I'm like
okay like she's using my oil pastel
great and then I start to see her like
literally digging the oil pastel like
digging it to a nub and I remember
feeling upset but like also frozen like
Oh like I can't really I I want my my
pastel back but I don't want to you know
tell her not sharing because I want to
you know listen to the teacher so it
just left me in a mode where it like
turned to rage and I remember being so
frustrated that I got my bunny drawing
and I literally just shredded it up to
little tiny pieces and when the teacher
came she was obviously very like
confused like wow like this six-year-old
is very angry and it's got anger issues
I'm sure to talk to me I felt like I
couldn't explain why I was feeling that
way which made me more angry so yeah
that memory was interesting and I'm glad
that it's surfaced and I left the
session feeling you know like I was
closer
so yeah the session was productive but I
just still I just didn't click with this
therapist I didn't have this chemistry
with her and I was afraid that I would
run into the same problem as my second
therapist because you know she wasn't
Asian you know or like a person of color
so I was like do we how is this you know
and so I decided to like not go to her
again she was also very far so I just
waited I took like a break from
searching so one day I was scrolling
through Instagram and someone did a post
about their mental health journey and
she linked it to the you know therapist
company that she goes to and it was in
downtown LA very close and I found an
Asian American therapist so I called her
and you know she ends up not working
there anymore but she did give me a list
of other Asian American therapists I
thought that was super generous and kind
of her because she really didn't have to
do that so this leads to my final
therapist the one the one that I've been
seeing for a year now we're in a really
long committed relationship very happy
with her having a therapist of the same
gender and the same ethnicity as me has
helped me just heal because when I tell
her my life story
she understands what it's like to you
know go through it because she has been
through it as well I don't know there
was something very cathartic to express
my deepest darkest vulnerabilities and
have someone actually relate to it so I
felt like I was safe and so I was able
to really open up all these doors pull
down all these walls and just kind of
dive into any facet that I wanted to
explore and fix and you know I'm not
saying that you need adjust you need to
find a therapist that's like the same as
you and mirrors you but for me it really
helped you know and we have a good
chemistry she also has like an
immaculate memory it's so crazy how she
remembers like pretty much everything
that I say and she doesn't like write it
down but like sometimes she'll do notes
but she like will help me like remember
other memories that I've had to kind of
help me in my current state I love
seeing my therapist because that 50 to
90 minute session is just for me it's my
place and time to just talk as much as I
want and not have to feel guilty and not
have to worry about someone judging me
about the way I feel some days I go in
I'm in a really dark negative place and
I will just literally spew out
everything in my mind and after I like
like verbally vomit out everything we
kind of just like look at all the things
that I've said and be like okay well
this I just said to like see how it felt
I don't believe in that this I actually
like really mean and then I'll take it
to heart and reflect I really like this
space because it's just like a big like
mind soup and I feel like I'm in like I
saved the Ziploc environment where
nothing leaves which is so nice because
sometimes when you've enter your friends
so you've been to your loved ones you
know it affects them in in a certain
type of way like maybe some person is
bothering you like is it talking if
you are you know speaking it with your
friend like with a therapist you can
kind of like help you process your
emotions without having it leaked
negatively into your loved ones because
before I would wake up and I would just
like the word vomit also been and of
course like it weighs on him and so now
I have this space where I can do that
and not have any repercussions that are
going to
negative one huge thing that I love but
also frustrates me is the fact that she
never ever tells me what to do she will
just ask me questions to like lead me to
the right direction and I find that
impactful when you find your own
solution to things because it feels like
your own choice and I think it was just
a stark contrast from the other
therapists I've had who were constantly
shoving all these things I need to do
like breathing exercises and you know
like ayahuasca you know just stuff that
I was like okay like this is a lot of
information overload like it's more
insightful when you get to your solution
on your own and that may not be for
everybody but for me it definitely
helped it's money that I never regret
because I see it as an investment in
myself
and I'm in a place where I can afford it
and I feel very blessed and grateful
that I can I need that time for me and
that money goes directly to her it goes
to her family it goes to her son and I
love being able to support her because
she supports me these days when I buy
things it does not fulfill me the same
way it used to I enjoy spending my money
on experiences that are gonna feed my
soul and for me I think therapy will
always be a priority because I will
always have problems life will always
have problems and the older you get the
more evolved and advanced your problems
gets so for that reason I think I'll
always go to therapy I will always put
it in the forefront of my mind because
it's something that helps me it's
something that helps me improve myself
and there are obviously things that I
still need to work on I'm getting closer
to truly fully accepting myself and
therapy has been a good jumping point
for me I would love to know if you guys
would want more mental health videos
because I feel like even though we talk
so much I've only like scratched the
surface of what I've learned but if you
guys would like to see that please let
me know also if you'd like to talk about
your therapists experience the good or
the bad that ugly please write in the
comments down below if you want to share
I am genuinely very curious to know
other people's journeys I do hope that
this video inspires anyone who has been
curious
on finding a therapist or even you know
giving some comfort to someone who is
struggling to find a therapist now
because it takes some time it's a very
grueling process but so worth it once
you find the right person remember
everyone is going through something no
matter what phase of life you're in big
or small I feel like sadness and
struggle are just a part of life but you
are definitely not alone and I just want
to remind you to be gentle on everyone
else and especially you thank you so
much for watching and I'll see you guys
the next one bye