We'll go a slightly different direction today on our positive parenting. How to
be a successful step parent? This is kind of funny because as I was considering
what to share with you in this particular video today. I'm jotting down
ideas and I'm coming up with some things to share and I realized, "You know what?
it's the same thing." That I've told you all along in other positive parenting
videos. Now, your role is a little different as a step parent. In fact, we
did a whole video about what is your role as a stepparent click to it right
up there and you can watch it right after this one's done. I think you'll
find that enlightening as well. What if we were to just delete the word step
from the title of this video? Then it would be "How to be a successful parent?"
Because honestly the same principles and rules apply to step parenting as they do
to any parenting. If we insert the word step before parent in all of the other
videos on the positive parenting playlist here on the channel, then you've
got a whole playlist of step parenting videos. Keep that in mind, all of the
principles are exactly the same even though your role is slightly different.
One of the most common things that step parents run into (and this has to do with
role, okay?) is kids saying "You're not my real mom. You're not my real dad." Oh, like
you're fake person or something? You are a parent to them but you're not their
biological parent. And sometimes they'll use that against you or they'll bring it
up as a reason why you don't get to have authority with them. You might be
thinking the same thing in your own mind. I'm not really their parent. I'm going to
back off I'm going to defer to my husband or I'm gonna defer to my wife who is
their biological parent. And I'm just going to kind of play it cool
over here on the side. That doesn't always work really well either. So, let's
get clear about what your job is first. If you've been here on the channel very
long you know exactly where I'm going with this. What is your job as a
stepparent? Now, you got all kinds of good answers to that, I know. We're going right
to the core of this thing. Your job is to love them no matter what and even if.
That's your job. Wrap your arms in your heart around that
for just a minute. That will change everything. Your job is to love them. It's
not to make sure that they this or to make sure that they that. You can't. We
really are not very good at controlling outcomes like that. Your job is to love
them no matter what and even if. With that in mind, how can you now have
authority as a parent? Authority is established with 2 elements that are
both necessary to have authority. And honestly, the little step word that we
talked about earlier isn't even relevant here. This is to have authority with kids.
Whether you're their teacher, their parent, their step parents, their
grandparents. Doesn't matter. You got to have these 2 elements in place. Number
one, you have to be able to set and enforce appropriate limits. This gets
back to some really basic principles that we talked about here on the channel
all the time about being clear about what you control and what you don't. If
you're going to set and enforce appropriate limits, you have to know what
you control. Because you don't always get cooperation from these kids or even from
your partner. So, get clear about what you control and you pick those things as the
context around which you set and enforce appropriate limits. That's the first
element. The second element that allows you to have authority
is to be seen as a provider of good times and good things. You wouldn't
necessarily think that's part of authority. But honestly, if you can set
and enforce limits but you're not seen as a provider of good times and good
things, you won't have authority. It will feel like you're a dictator or you're
someone who's come in as a drill sergeant to just kind of run their lives.
When you add this piece to be seen as a provider of good times and good things,
it actually gives you authority in your position as a parent. Because now they
have a reason to interact with you. Now they have a motivation or an incentive
to maintain a relationship with you. So, those 2 elements are both necessary.
Being able to set and enforce appropriate limits, being seen as a
provider of good times and good things. Now, you're in a position of authority
with that child. Can you see that this is true if you are their parent? Their step
parent? Their grandparent? Their teacher? Their adviser? Their counselor? You got to
be able to have both. That authority puts you in a position where you can fully
function as a parent. All of the videos here on the positive parenting playlist
could be retitled positive step parenting playlists. And we would also
love to have you on board for the Parenting Power-Up. You can click on it
right over there or in the description below. Come inside of this positive
parenting community and you're going to see a world of resources that are
available for you as a parent.