- What would you like correct about you?
- [Audience member] Love.
- Love that such a well intentioned thing,
but be more specific.
- [Audience member] On the International Space Station.
- Love on the International Space Station.
Thank you, okay, you've really annoyed whoever it was
that said "love", they were like,
(audience laughing)
"I was going to comment something beautiful
and then this prick whose like, yeah in space, okay."
Love on the ISS. Great.
Let's come to this kind of trapezoidal shape
that I'm drawing here.
Well, you are you pointing at you.
Yes, what, what do you want to recommend?
Did you say "COVID in New York"?
You are about 15 months too late, really aren't you.
(audience laughing)
Someone over there is actively booing your suggestion,
which, it's really hard to give a suggestion,
I mean, a few months someone suggested Israel, Palestine
and people didn't boo them, so.
(audience laughing)
Person who booed, what would you suggest?
(overlapping yelling)
- [audience member] Over here.
- Wait, there was multiple people who booed apparently,
(audience laughing)
What did you want to say?
[Audience member] Irish man applying for The Bachelor.
- Yeah, wait sorry, Irish man...
- Irish man applying for The Bachelor.
- Oh okay, cool.
That person just went (mouth fart noise),
(audience laughing)
I apologize.
It's been stolen by that nurse, okay.
And you've got...
You love The Bachelor?
Do you like Irish men?
- [Audience member] Yeah.
Sure, yeah, okay.
To be sure, right, so an Irish man applying
for The Bachelor, right?
Let's get one new one from this segment
because you missed out otherwise.
Yeah, what do you want to rap about?
- [Audience member] The sad story of a kangaroo
with no pouch.
- The sad story of a kangaroo with no pouch, I love it.
(audience clapping)
Oh yeah.
That's a great suggestion.
(audience laughing)
Love on the International Space Station,
kangaroo with no pouch,
Irish man applying for The Bachelor.
- [Audience member] Midget doctor.
- No, no, no, but you said
(audience laughing)
You said getting divorced,
- [Audience member] Getting a divorce while you're pregnant.
- Getting a divorce while you're pregnant?
(audience laughing)
Can you stand up? I couldn't tell.
What a terrible way for them to find out.
A, I did not know you where with child,
B, I thought you still loved me.
And then guys over here what do you want to rap about?
- [Audience member] Tiger Woods with a single stripper.
(audience laughing)
- What, was he famous for multiple strippers?
(audience laughing)
- [Audience member] Yeah, kind of.
He got around, I mean, yeah
that's his job description, isn't it?
So, okay, cool, right.
That guy plays golf.
Okay, love on the International Space Station,
Sad story of a kangaroo and no pouch,
Irish man applying for The Bachelor,
getting divorced while pregnant,
and Tiger Woods with a single stripper.
This is some good suggestions, well done.
For a late show, you actually kind of
kept your behavior doing well.
This, then, is a freestyle.
That's a rap made up on the spot,
based entirely on those suggestions.
It's not written. It's not prepared. It's not rehearsed.
And it will be, if the fucking little connector goes in.
[Beat track starts]
and don't worry, it won't anywhere near as atrociously,
embarrassingly bad as your expecting
a privately educated middle class white, British boy to be.
(audience cheering)
And we'll start with the last one we got,
that feels um, exciting, lets do it.
♪ Fifth one's a blight and its setting me off, ♪
♪ Call me Big T Dogs ♪
♪ You can watch me T off, ♪
♪ on the balls in my bedroom, ♪
♪ It doesn't bother me, ♪
♪ I'm gonna go to the strip club properly. ♪
♪ I wanna see my favorite girl, Destiny. ♪
♪ I'm over there got a wedge of cash next to me, ♪
♪ I say, "Lady, I'll take my chance, ♪
♪ I know I'm married but I'm asking for a private dance." ♪
♪ We go over there to the back room, ready to mingle, ♪
♪ Sat there with the stripper, "Ay, you single?" ♪
♪ She's like, "Yeah, do I see any rings?" ♪
♪ He's like, "Nah, ♪
♪ I put a hole in one on your things, nice." ♪
(audience cheering)
♪ It doesn't go the way I was going to go, ♪
♪ Oh, but her bodies so swole, ♪
♪ This stripper turns out, she be pregnant, ♪
♪ Dependent on working in the club, yeah, ♪
♪ She's got dependents now. ♪
♪ Why? Because divorced the baby daddy. ♪
♪ Relationship was difficult, it ended so badly. ♪
♪ She's, like, actually divulging to Tiger. ♪
♪ He's like, "I've never cried so much in my life." ♪
♪ A little thing, still it's kind of long. ♪
♪ He goes home, he puts on a sad song. ♪
♪ He's like, "Oh I love the tunes of didgeridoo." ♪
♪ Australasian music, thinks about a kangaroo. ♪
(Audience cheering)
♪ Which makes Tiger sadder, ♪
♪ With a bad bitch dancing on a thing ♪
♪ It's a little jump up and down there. ♪
♪ Kangaroo up on the jezza. ♪
♪ With no pouch, ooh. ♪
♪ Or it's joey, dessert. ♪
♪ In him, or her, it's got no kids. ♪
♪ That's a marsupial, let me lift all the lids ♪
♪ On the facts, you know this. ♪
♪ In fact, she won't have seen this. ♪
♪ Did you know a kangaroo has got two penis, it's true. ♪
♪ About to leave you with a tip, ♪
♪ It means you need two kangaroo hoes to lip. ♪
♪ But this one, it's got no extra pouch. ♪
♪ It goes home, it's mum and dad are like, "You're a slouch, ♪
♪ We can't vouch for your enterprise and your worth." ♪
♪ He says, "Oh, I wish I wasn't on this earth. ♪
I'm Australian. My name is Bruce, hopping up and down
♪ Over there in Perth, I go into the town. ♪
♪ I say, "Hello there, I really get what I'm deserving"." ♪
♪ The kangaroos found a marsupial plastic surgeon. ♪
♪ He sounds credible, he can't resist, ♪
♪ He says, "Bruce do you want a Brazilian butt lift?" ♪
♪ He's like, "No." ♪
♪ "Any job on your mammary glands?" ♪
♪ Because they produce milk, you guys would understand ♪
♪ If you do zoology, but nah, he sat there and laughed. ♪
♪ He says, "Doc, just give me a skin graft. ♪
♪ I need it there, shape of a U, like a little pocket. ♪
♪ Antigravity sex is true, if you're up there with the ISS. ♪
♪ Lady at the back, probably wearing a dress ♪
♪ Was like, "Love" and you were like, "Nah, look above. ♪
♪ Going up there when push comes to shove." ♪
♪ You can push you away and you float for days, ♪
♪ It's like that one with Sandra Bullock, amazing. ♪
♪ On the space station, they wanna reconnect, get a kiss, ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm going on a little show on the TV. ♪
♪ And I'm happier, got a lot of girls to date ♪
♪ when I'm on The Bachelor. ♪
♪ I want to get fiance, that's my wish. ♪
♪ But they turn me down, why? ♪
♪ Because I'm Irish. ♪
♪ And if you're from Dublin, don't touch me. ♪
♪ I'm just saying they get on the show ♪
♪ Cause they god darn ugly. ♪
(Audience cheering)