Guys, how you doing?
Right on. (audience applauds)
Yeah, yeah, first and foremost I want
to thank you for having me back
it's always gracious to be here,
but I got a beef with you, man.
Why, what did I do?
Well, I've had a long day first of all,
coming here my Jet Blue flight was canceled.
[Conan] Mhm. (audience laughs)
That'll happen.
[John Cena] And then ya know I've been promoting the-
(Conan chuckles) [John Cena] Yeah no kidding.
I've been promoting the Gillette Fusion Razor all day,
and then I had a late afternoon 'filates' class,
always hoping... (Conan laughs)
(Conan) Good for you, yeah. (audience laughs)
[John Cena] to come here
and get the famous Conan O'Brian cookie.
Yes. Now if you don't know,
for those who don't know,
the backstage cookies are so phenomenal,
I've been here a couple of times
and every time I look forward
to having the cookies, more and more
and today I skipped a bunch of meals,
sweat like a fat kid in church for the 'filates' class,
and I came here really looking forward to the cookie,
and I mean I really appreciate you having me back,
but now Alan Alda's talking
'quisi-quadamodo-pikelogical physics'
(audience laughs) my blood sugar's diving out,
I'm shaking, I can't- Are you aware
of what kind of cutbacks are happening
in the network right now? (audience giggles)
Our primetime is in the toilet,
you're not getting a cookie
until this network comes up with a hit.
(audience jeers and boos) (John Cena and Conan laughing)
(John Cena clapping) We don't have
cookie money anymore, since 'Friends' went off the air.
(audience and John Cena laughing)
Well it's good to see you though, man.
(audience clapping) [Conan] It's good to see you
we'll get you, get the man a cookie for God's sake!
You know what, you come out here
and the first thing these arms, it's madness.
Nine of my arms tied together don't make that arm.
(John Cena chuckles)
I just look at that arm-
It's the t-shirt we'll get you one.
My leg doesn't look like that arm.
(audience laughs)
It's insane and then I hear that you
were bullied as a kid and I don't believe it.
I just don't. Well you know it's-
It's unbelievable to me. Yeah, it's actually
like one of them comic book stories I was a string-bean kid.
[Conan] Define string-bean because I-
When I was 12 I was five foot two,
when I was 13 I was six feet,
the height I am now, I haven't grown anything after that
and I was like 100 pounds at five-two,
and I was like 110 pounds at six feet,
(audience laughs) so I mean it was just
real awkward. [Conan] I had that too yeah.
I mean, you're looking good though, now you're looking-
You just broke my arm.
(audience laughs and applauds)
That's not even bone, that's just vanilla pudding in there,
(audience laughs) with some raisins in there.
Teenage kid getting into Junior High for the first time
to add insult to injury I found rap music
as the music of choosing
and in West Newbury where the grass is green and everybody-
[Conan] West Newbury, Massachusetts?
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
God's country, where everybody pretty much
listens to hair-band rock and wears tight jeans,
I was wearing MC Hammer pants and mustard-red
on polka-dot outfits and the airbrushed overalls
with my name on it, and my hats to the side.
[Conan] What was your hairstyle?
I had a high-top fade, actually.
Oh no, no, you had the
It was completely bald
I would wear lines in it sometimes,
it was legitimately a foot high,
and I had dye at the top.
[Conan] So you were a, it was like-
(audience giggling) Yeah, it was awful.
Yes, thank you, I was that brave. Yes.
(audience cheering)
So kids gave you a hard time?
Well, needless to say as a young kid in Junior High
we had to walk to the high-school
to catch our bus to go home so
I had to pass all the high-school kids every day
and I got, literally, I got
put through the wringer everyday.
[Conan] And you did the MC Hammer 'genie dance'.
Get out of my way, get out of my way!
(audience and Conan laughing)
Can't touch this!
So, now I understand you grew up wrestling
you even had, you and your brothers had a ring,
a wrestling ring, in your house.
Yeah, my dad is a huge wrestling fan
the only time we could really legally
get away with beating each other up,
when my dad would allow it, is when wrestling was on.
So when wrestling was on, he'd always be watching wrestling
and my mom would actually
be trying to keep the house together,
and I got four brothers so we'd all siphon downstairs,
we had a ring in the basement,
we'd make all of our belts out of paper,
we had like a hundred belts. (audience chuckles)
Sometimes the matches would get a little out of hand,
there was one time in particular,
my mother's a saint,
Ma, if you are watching I love you, and I'm sorry.
Trust me I can never pay-
[Conan] If she's watching this show I'm sorry, too!
(audience laughs)
He's done about seven things on this show already,
we've probably drove your mom to the Animal Planet network.
Lo and behold one of the matches was for
the ultimate, penultimate champion of the universe,
and it actually got into a heated battle,
and we're in the basement,
so that's where all the tools are,
one of my brothers grabs a sledgehammer,
the other one grabs a chainsaw,
(Conan laughs) We bolt upstairs,
I'm the last man in line, I rip through the kitchen,
grab a kitchen knife and we're going around the house,
just like this, one with a chainsaw,
one with a sledgehammer, one with a kitchen knife.
[Conan] Right, right, it's every 'Three Stooges'
episode you ever saw. (audience laughs)
Just an arm and my mom just clotheslines all three of us.
(Conan laughs)
Your mom took you out. Absolutely.
Good for her, yeah. Absolutely.
Now one of your signature moves, it's famous,
is the whole "Can't see me".
Yeah, yeah. You do the 'can't see me'.
Yeah just like that, but with one hand.
It's just, 'you can't see me'.
Yeah. (audience chuckles)
That, I love that. See they know it?
Have you worked on other moves?
Have there been moves that you've tried
that maybe haven't worked?
You try stuff all the time,
you know I got that "Five Knuckle Shuffle" thing,
that deal where I just, (dusts shoulder)
right after the "you can't see me"
I drop the fist on them.
[Conan] Right, right. But probably-
[Conan] And then you brush them off?
That's what you do? Yeah, hey man, stop it,
and then drop the fist.
It's like saying all right it's time for me to win now.
Right, right. You know?
Okay.
This is all I'd do if I were a wrestler,
I wouldn't do weights or anything,
I'd just be thinking up really stupid-
Just zany maneuvers. Yeah.
Time to blow the butterflies away!
(audience laughs) You know?
He's got a future!
I would do that!
(blows fingers)
He's absolutely got a future.
(audience clapping)
(Conan humming)
Conan O'Brien, the blower of butterflies.
Yeah,
I didn't say the blower of butterflies.
Well that's just what I interpreted.
I don't know.
This show will not air. (Conan pounds desk)
(John Cena and audience laughs)
As God is my witness, this show will not air.
Okay, so that's good.
I wanna make sure I get to this,
you're doing a contest with Gillette,
and this is important to mention.
Yeah absolutely,
Gillette is in search for the next phenom,
and it's to commemorate the launch of their Phenom razor,
it's awesome I use it all the time
on every inch of my body I'm smooth.
(audience laughs) Very, very smooth.
Every inch of your body?
Every inch, feel my arms.
Okay. Do it. Yeah, that's right.
Oh my god, you shave your arms.
That's right, shave everything.
Really?
Yeah, the razor's that good
I shave everything with that razor.
Gillette's giving you a lot of scratch?
No, no actually the deal was for-
Let me get on this, too. The deal was for no money.
It was just for razors.
Oh, okay. Because I spend
so much money on the razors they just gave me
a dump truck full of razors. Screw that noise, then.
(audience laughs)
I was gonna get in here and help out with Gillette.
I use the Gillette, that's the one
when you push the button it goes
Yeah it's got the (imitates razor vibrating)
I like that one, massages the face as you shave.
Massages the other areas as well.
(audience laughs)
Hey, come on, like you've never tried with a razor before!
(audience laughs)
Like I'm the only guy who's different!
Maybe I am.
(audience chuckles)
I think we should go to commercial.
We sold them dead air! (Conan guffaws)
The audience is like,
"No, we don't know what you're talking about."
Nah but real quick Gillette's in search
for the next phenom.
It's basically fans can upload their videos on YouTube,
and to make a bad show even worse,
Gillette is actually asking for males
to showcase their best ball skills.
(audience laughs)
I'm not going to touch that with a ten-foot pole.
No, no, no, I'll clarify,
it's actually anything you can do,
a great example is like Tiger Woods bouncing a golf ball
on the head of a driver,
then hitting it.
It's any ball, like wiffle ball, tennis ball, football,
basketball, baseball, upload your videos,
you can check out GilletteChampions.com
the entries can be entered as late as May 20th,
and the chief prize is $30,000
and you are dubbed Phenom of the Universe
which is at least a years worth of bragging rights, right?
Yeah.
So that's pretty cool. (audience claps)
And your prize for being here,
a plate of cookies,
we actually stole these from the Today Show, yeah.
Ah! (audience cheering)
John Cena, everybody,
Ladies and gentlemen, yeah enjoy those.
They're bountiful! Those are good.
Thank you very much, John.
Thank you, my friend. Great job.
Always a pleasure.
Take a break, we'll be right back,
Everest is here, stick around.