(upbeat instrumental music)
- Niles, my eggs are all dried up.
- The gene pool is saved.
(audience laughing)
(knocking) Sorry to interrupt, sir.
I see you're working hard as always. Ms. Babcock.
(audience laughing)
- Theater has always been a passion of mine.
- Hm, I can't wait to see what you'll be mounting next.
(audience laughing)
- Niles, this steak is a little tough.
- So is life.
(audience laughing)
And then you die.
(audience laughing)
- He wants these contracts in London by morning.
- Well here, hop on.
With the time difference, you'll just make it.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
- I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to pack a bag.
They're fumigating my apartment.
- They've tried that before.
You always come back.
(audience laughing)
- Geoffrey, Will's been hypnotized.
The Great Mentos made him think he's four years old.
- Can he make me think I care?
(audience laughing)
(people chattering)
- Sorry, thank you.
It's true what they say.
TV really does add 10 pounds.
- Hm, what would account for the other 250?
(audience laughing)
- My boy, a man is much more than the job he holds
or the clothes he wears.
For example, if I were to judge you by your costume,
I should guess you were some kind of circus performer.
(audience laughing)
- Niles, could you ice this and put it in the limo?
- [Niles] Oh, certainly, sir.
- There's a good man.
- Oh, excuse me, sir.
If you don't mind my asking,
doesn't Ms. Leslie remind you of someone?
- Oh, so you noticed it too.
- Well, it is rather obvious, sir.
- Yes, she is a dead ringer for Connie Sellecca.
(audience laughing)
She, uh, she is pretty unique, isn't she, Niles?
- Whatever you say, sir.
(audience laughing) (pan clanging)
- Oh! Oh, careful there, man. - Oh, thank you, sir, yes.
You see, I should have used my oven mitt
instead of this somewhat inferior substitution,
but I didn't realize I wanted my oven mitt
until I saw them together,
and then I understood that of course my oven mitt
is exactly what I wanted,
and goodness gracious, it was under my nose the entire time.
(audience laughing)
- You never achieve anything
unless you stick with something,
and you should stick with this
'cause you've done a truly remarkable job on this party.
Can't remember when I've seen you this happy.
- Yeah, but Geoffrey, what difference does it make?
I mean, do you really see Cindy saying,
"Wow, you've just gotta meet my friend, Hilary Banks.
"She can sculpt cauliflower
"into a bust of Barbara Streisand"?
(audience laughing)
- There's nothing demeaning about serving others,
young lady.
I'm very good at my job, and in that I take great pride.
- I'm not as strong as you are, Geoffrey.
- Oh no?
Well, I had a hand in raising you, Ms. Hilary.
And if I do say so myself, Geoffrey don't raise no fools.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat instrumental music)
- Maxwell, darling, is that you?
(audience laughing)
- Shh. Don't turn around.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(Niles blowing) (audience laughing)
- I'm yours.
(audience laughing)
Tell me what you want me to do.
(audience laughing)
- Cluck like a chicken.
(audience laughing)
- What?
- It turns me on.
(audience laughing)
(C.C. clucking) (audience laughing)
(C.C. screaming) (audience laughing)
Mr. Sheffield's been delayed.
Did you think I was him?
(audience laughing)
- How's your pudding, Ms. Babcock?
- It's delicious. Why?
- Just as I thought.
These expiration dates are meaningless.
(audience laughing)
- Niles, pour me some more tea.
(Niles chopping)
(audience laughing)
I want some more tea, Niles.
(Niles chopping) (audience laughing)
You are a butler, now buttle!
(Niles chopping) (audience laughing)
- Would you like some tea, Ms. Babcock?
- You know damn well I want some more tea, you imbecile.
Now pour!
- C.C.! - Maxwell!
(audience laughing)
- Look, if anyone calls,
just give them my cell phone number.
Thanks.
Keep the lines clear.
- Certainly, Master Carlton.
Whoops!
(audience laughing)
- Yo, G, here's the whipped cream you wanted for dinner.
- Who's said it was for dinner?
(audience laughing) (audience oohing)
- [Host] The question is,
"What is the motto of the Three Musketeers?"
- Ha, that's an easy one.
Creamy on the inside, smooth on the outside.
(audience laughing)
- [Contestant] All for one, and one for all.
- [Host] Right again.
(audience clapping)
- I can't believe you missed that one, G.
- Yeah, even Will could have guessed that one
and the only thing he reads is the cereal box.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, well, at least I don't fit in one.
(audience laughing)
- Well, if you're so confident in my lack of ability,
perhaps you'd like to make a little wager, say $30.
- Done.
- [Contestant] Vietnam for 200.
(TV beeping)
- [Host] You drew the wild card.
(audience clapping)
- What do you say, Geoffrey?
Wanna double your bet?
- Well, it is an awful lot of money, but what the hell?
- [Host] And the question is,
"Who is the South Vietnamese president
"killed by his own generals in 1963?"
(Will and Carlton laughing)
- Ngo Dinh Diem.
(TV buzzing)
- [Host] No guesses?
The correct answer is Ngo Dinh Diem.
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
- Ha ha (claps), splendid!
(audience laughing)
- [Host] And the final "Brainstorm" question is,
"What Bronze Age civilization emerged about 2,500 BC?"
- Oh, I know. The Minoan civilization.
(TV beeping) - The Minoan civilization?
- [Host] Correct.
(audience laughing) (audience clapping)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold, hold up.
Time out, time out.
Flag on the play, traveling, off side, clipping,
hold up, wait a minute.
(audience laughing)
What's up with this here?
- Hilary, how'd you know that?
- Easy. Geoffrey's been watching that tape all day.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'm off to the store.
Oh, when you're through, do turn off the VCR
and return that tape of "Brainstorm" to my room.
(audience laughing)
- And might I add, ha ha, and ha!
(audience laughing)