WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND WE ARE LIVE TONIGHT FROM NEW YORK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT TOO SHALL BY.
MEANWHILE, IN PHILADELPHIA, HILLARY CLINTON HELD A HUGE
RALLY IN FRONT OF INDEPENDENCE HALL WITH BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.
BRUCE TALKED ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING AND TRADE POLICY.
HILLARY, AS ALWAYS, CLOSED WITH THUNDER ROAD.
TRUMP, ON THE OTHER TINY HAND SPOKE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE AND HAD A
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
>> TOM BRADY, HE CALLED TODAY, AND HE SAID,
DONALD, I SUPPORT YOU, YOU'RE MY FRIEND AND I VOTED FOR YOU.
>> STEPHEN: NO SURPRISE BRADY IS A TRUMP FAN, BECAUSE DONALD
APPEARS TO BE UNDER-INFLATED.
( CHEERING ) TO GET A GOOD GRIP.
( LAUGHTER ) AND LAST NIGHT TRUMP HAD "THE
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN OF INSANE BOWHUNTERS," TED NUGENT, AND THE
NUGE DID NOT DISAPPOINT.
>> I GOT YOUR BLUE STATE RIGHT HERE BABY!
BLACK AND BLUE!
>> STEPHEN: WHAT IS HE EVEN SAYING?
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T -- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IS HIS CROTCH ACTUALLY BLUE?
YOU GUYS, I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, IF YOUR GENITALS RESEMBLE THE
ELECTORAL MAP AT ALL, CONSULT A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND THE CRAZE IS PART IS WE LEARNED ALL THIS ABOUT TRUMP
FROM THE NEWS, UNFORTUNATELY, NOT FROM THE MAN HIMSELF
BECAUSE, THIS WEEKEND, AIDES TO DONALD TRUMP HAVE FINALLY
WRESTED AWAY HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT.
WHAT?!
YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY TRUMP'S TWITTER ACCOUNT!
THAT'S LIKE TAKING AWAY BATMAN'S UTILITY BELT!
( LAUGHTER ) ALL YOU'VE GOT LEFT IS A
BILLIONAIRE WITH ANGER ISSUES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE'S GOT NONE OF HIS TOOLS!
( CHEERING ) MAKES NO SENSE.
MAKES NO SENSE.
TRUMP BASED HIS WHOLE CAMPAIGN ON THAT TWITTER ACCOUNT.
WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO NOW?
WRITE MESSAGES IN BRONZER ON BEDSHEETS AND HANG THEM OUT THE
WINDOW OF TRUMP TOWER?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TWITTER IS TRUMP'S LIFELINE TO THE WORLD, ESPECIALLY SINCE IT
TURNS OUT THAT DONALD TRUMP DOES NOT USE A COMPUTER.
NO COMPUTER AT ALL.
HE EVEN FILES HIS TAXES THE OLD FASHIONED WAY-- NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AS FAR AS WE KNOW.
WE DON'T KNOW.
WE DON'T KNOW!
WE HAVE NO IDEA!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, IF TRUMP DOESN'T HAVE A COMPUTER, AND THEY'RE TAKING
AWAY HIS TWITTER, I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING -- IF HE LOSES
TOMORROW, HIS STAFF ISN'T GOING TO TELL HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WAKE UP, MR. TRUMP!
YOU WON BIGLEY!
DON'T TURN ON THE TV!
HEY, WE'RE ALSO GOING TO NEED TO TAKE AWAY YOUR BELT AND
SHOELACES.
NO REASON, MR. PRESIDENT.
OF COURSE, THE MAJOR STORY THIS WEEKEND WAS F.B.I. DIRECTOR AND
SOON TO BE FORMER F.B.I.
DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY DELIVERING WHAT MAY BE THE MOST INFURIATING
"TAKIE-BACKSIE" IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
TEN DAYS AGO COMEY UPENDED THE CAMPAIGN WITH A VAGUE LETTER TO
CONGRESS SAYING HE'D FOUND NEW CLINTON EMAILS TO INVESTIGATE.
YESTERDAY, HE TOLD CONGRESS THAT "THESE EMAILS WARRANT NO NEW
ACTION AGAINST HILLARY CLINTON."
THIS IS THE PSYCHE-OUT SINCE GOD TOLD ABRAHAM, "SLIT YOUR SON'S
THROAT.
JUST KIDDING!
BUT SERIOUSLY, TAKE A CHUNK OFF OF HIS PENIS."
( LAUGHTER ) PSYCH!
NOW -- I WAS KIDDING!
FOR NINE STRAIGHT DAYS THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN HAS BEEN HAMMERING
HILLARY WITH THIS STORY.
>> THIS IS THE BIGGEST POLITICAL SCANDAL SINCE WATERGATE!
>> Stephen: SORRY, DONALD.
TURNS OUT IT'S NOT EVEN THE BIGGEST SCANDAL SINCE
"WATERWORLD."
BUT IF YOU'RE WAITING ON A CORRECTION FROM TRUMP'S CAMP,
GET COMFORTABLE.
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH COMEY SAYS THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE
EMAILS, THEY'VE GOT A NEW LINE OF ATTACK.
>> NO ONE BELIEVES THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS CAPABLE OF
TAKING 650,000 E-MAILS AND REVIEWING THEM IN EIGHT DAYS.
>> Stephen: YES.
HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY REVIEW 650,000 EMAILS IN EIGHT DAYS?
YOU NEED A COMPUTER THAT CAN DO THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET EMAILS ONTO A COMPUTER?
I MEAN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
JUST SCANNING THE E-MAILS IN WOULD TAKE WEEKS!
( LAUGHTER ) AS I SAID, WHEN HE FIRST TALKED
ABOUT THESE EMAILS, I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR JAMES COMEY, AND
IT'S RIGHT HERE -- ( CHEERING )
( APPLAUSE ) WE'RE NOT RELEASING THIS MESSAGE
TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A TEAM COMPARING IT TO
THE CONTENTS OF THIS HAND TO SEE IF THEY MATCH.
( APPLAUSE ) OKAY?
TO FIND OUT WHAT'S BEHIND HERE, YOU'LL HAVE TO WATCH TOMORROW
NIGHT ON SHOWTIME.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, I'M TAKING A LOOK BACK
HERE, AND SOME OF THE RESULTS ARE COMING IN, ALREADY.