♪
♪♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO!
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, HI!
>> Stephen: JON, I LIKE THE WHOLE VIBE.
I LIKE THE BAND IN THAT OUTFIT.
IT LOOKS LIKE THE BAND WHEN YOU GO TO HEAVEN AND YOU'RE
ST. PETER.
SOMETHING ANGELIC ABOUT THIS >> Jon: WE'RE GOING TO PLAY
THAT HEAVENLY FIEWKS MORE THEM >> Stephen: AS YOU DO EVERY
NIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TODAY MARKS A
BITTERSWEET MILESTONE IN THE LEGACY OF LATE NIGHT, BECAUSE
AFTER 28 YEARS AND 4,368 EPISODES, CONAN O'BRIEN'S
LATE-NIGHT RUN IS ENDING.
CONAN'S HAD AN AMAZING TENURE-- IT STARTED WAY BACK IN 1993,
WHEN HE BEGAN HOSTING "LATE NIGHT" AT THE TENDER AGE OF
NINE.
FOLLOWING PUBERTY, HE MOVED TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW," AND THEN
SPENT 11 YEARS AT "CONAN" ON TBS.
NOT TO MENTION HIS BRIEF SPINOFFS, "CONAN THE TANK
ENGINE" AND CONARCOS."
TONIGHT'S HIS LAST SHOW, BUT LIKE A KID WHO KEEPS SAYING HE'S
RUNNING AWAY, HE'LL BE BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT WITH "CONAN,"
A NEW WEEKLY VARIETY SHOW FOR HBO MAX.
CONAN AND HBO MAX, WHICH I ASSUME IS SHORT FOR HBO MAX
WEINBERG.
AND JUST TO GET AHEAD, I'D LIKE TO WISH CONAN A FOND
PRE-FAREWELL FOR HIS UPCOMING TRIUMPHANT DECADE ON STREAMING,
AND THE NEXT EIGHT YEARS ON GAS PUMP TV PLUS NETWORK AND HIS
LATE 2040'S RUN ON "HTML" A MICROCHIP-INFUSED JELLY THAT'S
INJECTED DIRECTLY INTO VIEWERS' AMYGDALA.
IT REALLY FEELS LIKE THE BEAR IS MASTURBATING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR
BRAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) CONAN'S A DEAR FRIEND AND A
LOVELY FELLA.
HE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT A STRENGTH AND A GREAT SOURCE OF
ADVICE FOR ME AS I TOOK OVER A LATE NIGHT SHOW, AND I WANT TO
CONGRATULATE HIM ON 24 INCREDIBLE YEARS AND SEVERAL
PERFECTLY FINE ONES AS WELL.
( LAUGHTER ) I HOPE HE MAKES THE MOST OF HIS
SIX DAYS OF RETIREMENT BEFORE STARTING WORK AT HBO.
I'VE ASKED ONE OF MY WRITERS, BRIAN STACK, WHO WORKED WITH
CONAN FOR MANY YEARS, TO COME OUT HERE AND SHARE SOME MEMORIES
OF WORKING FOR CONAN.
BRIAN, COME ON OUT HERE.
BRIAN STACK, EVERYBODY.
THERE YOU GO.
BRIAN.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: BRIAN, HOW LONG DID YOU WORK FOR CONAN?
>> 18 YEARS.
>> STEPHEN: SO YOU MUST KNOW THE TRUE CONAN THAT NO ONE IS
ALLOWED TO SEE.
ARE YOU READY TO DISH THE UGLY DIRT ABOUT YOUR OLD BOSS?
>> SURE, IF THAT'S WHAT MY NEW BOSS WANTS.
>> STEPHEN: YES, IT IS.
LET 'ER RIP.
HE CAN'T HURT YOU ANYMORE.
>> OK.
HERE GOES.
THIS IS PROBABLY SOMETHING I DEFINITELY SHOULDN'T SAY: HE'S
IRISH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> HE IS.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, WE ALL KNEW THAT, BRIAN.
>> YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.
HE'S IRISH-'CATHOLIC'.
THERE'S DIFFERENT TYPES.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.
I DID LET YOU FINISH, AND, COME ON, YOU WERE THERE BACKSTAGE,
DARK SECRETS.
CAMERAS OFF.
NOBODY'S LOOKING.
WHAT HAPPENED?
>> OK, HERE'S ONE: CONAN IS REALLY TALL.
SURPRISINGLY TALL >> STEPHEN: YEAH.
THAT'S HIS WHOLE DEAL.
HE'S SLENDERMAN RON WEASLY.
COME ON, BRIAN.
HE'S LEAVING LATE NIGHT.
HE HAS NO POWER OVER YOU.
HE NO LONGER CONTROLS YOUR CAREER LIKE A PUPPET ON A
STRING.
TALK!
>> WELL, OKAY.
THIS ONE IS DEFINITELY GOING GET ME IN TROUBLE.
HIS MIDDLE NAME IS, GET THIS, CHRISTOPHER.
JUST WEIRD.
>> STEPHEN: BRIAN WHAT'S GOING ON?
DID CONAN MAKE YOU SIGN AN N.D.A.?
>> YOU MEAN LIKE SOMETHING WHERE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO REVEAL
DETAILS SUCH AS WHETHER I'VE BEEN ASKED TO SIGN AN N.D.A.?
>> STEPHEN: YES.
>> YEAH, I SIGNED ONE OF THOSE.
( LAUGHTER ) ACTUALLY, ON SECOND THOUGHT, IT
MAY NOT HAVE BEEN AN N.D.A..
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GET WELL CARD.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, CLEARLY YOU'VE GOT NOTHING.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- >> WE GOT HIM A CARD BECAUSE HE
GOT A PRETTY NASTY CONTUSION WHEN HE TRIPPED AFTER WE ROBBED
THAT HOSPITAL?
YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WE NEEDED THE MONEY TO BUY COCAINE FOR OUR ORGIES AT BETTY
WHITE'S UNDERGROUND SEX DUNGEON?
( LAUGHTER ) AND CONAN LIKES HIS SNOW REALLY
PURE.
HE'D ALWAYS SAY, C'MON, BRIAN.
YOU'RE ON TEAM COCO.
THAT STANDS FOR CONAN'S COCAINE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: WOW.
YIKES.
THAT'S PROBABLY ENOUGH DARK SECRETS.
>> AND THEN PAT SAJAK MADE US ALL DRINK ENDANGERED LEOPARD
MILK OUT OF LINCOLN'S SKULL.
CRAZY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND YOU KNOW THAT THING IS NOT
WATER-TIGHT.
MILK EVERYWHERE.
>> STEPHEN: OK, BRIAN.
>> I REMEMBER IT WELL, CUZ IT WAS RIGHT BEFORE CONAN STARTED
SELLING COUNTERFEIT PENICILLIN TO CLINICS ALL OVER THE
DEVELOPING WORLD.
( LAUGHTER ) HE KNEW INTERPOL WAS CLOSING IN,
SO HE HAD TO GO INTO HIDING WITH THE UKRAINIAN ARMS SMUGGLERS HE
KNEW FROM WHEN HE USED TO RUN AKS TO THE MUJAHIDEEN IN THE
LATE 80S, BACK WHEN HE WAS WRITING FOR S.N.L..
THEY HAD SUMMERS OFF.
I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT HE TOLD ME BEFORE HE FILED OFF HIS
FINGERPRINTS AND HAD HIS FACE RECONSTRUCTED USING CADAVER
FLESH SOURCED FROM A CHINESE POLITICAL PRISON.
HE LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND SAID, BRIAN, IF I CAN GIVE YOU
ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, IT'S NEVER TELL ANYONE I'M GOING TO MURDER
JEFFREY EPSTEIN.
( LAUGHTER ) SO WISE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HE WILL BE MISSED.
HE WILL.
>> Stephen: BRIAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
BRIAN STACK, EVERYBODY CONGRATULATIONS, CONAN, SEE YOU
IN BETTY WHITE'S SEX DUNGEON.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I SIT DOWN WITH ROBERT DUVALL AT HIS
VIRGINIA RANCH.
♪♪