-Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the attic.
I've been sittin' here for about a half an hour,
waiting for my neighbor to stop mowing his lawn,
but don't worry. I've been passing the time
trying to remember how much we paid
for the tiny chair behind me, which, to my knowledge,
neither of my children ever, ever use.
Because it turns out, toddlers rarely say,
"I don't know about you, but,
I need to take a load off."
Maybe I can get the dog to sit in it?
Maybe that would be cute and I could Instagram it
or you could Instagram it.
Truth is, I think the chair is useless.
Speaking of useless, that whole thing was a segue.
The Trump administration understands
the importance of testing to safely reopen the economy,
because they're testing themselves.
They just don't care about testing you.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Suspenseful theme plays ]
Donald Trump doesn't just lie about the big things.
He also lies compulsively
about the smallest, dumbest things,
like how many people were at his inauguration
or who drew a circle on a hurricane map
or whether he's ever even met Eric and Don Jr.
"I'm sorry. I'm not acquainted
with these two charming business lizards."
And the lies about the small stuff
are red flags for the lies about the big stuff.
For example, Trump visited a Honeywell factory
in Arizona Tuesday, where they were making masks.
You might remember the trip from this indelible image
of Trump inspecting the masks
while "Live and Let Die" blasted in the background.
[ "Live and Let Die" plays ] -The material
that traps the particulates --
[ Drowning out speaker ] -♪ Live and let die ♪
♪♪
-My favorite part of that clip is how oblivious Trump is
to what's going on around him.
He's just nodding and pointing at a mask
like a tourist at a museum that's on fire.
"They say she has that smile
because she likes the smell of smoke."
But you might notice, based on seeing his whole face,
that he is not, in fact, wearing a mask
and, yet, when he spoke to reporters on Wednesday,
he insisted he did, in fact, wear a mask.
-Mr. President, yesterday, you went to Arizona
and you had said, before the trip,
that you would likely wear a mask at the mask factory.
You ended up not wearing one.
-Well, I actually did have one, no.
I put a mask on, yeah.
I had a mask on for a period of time.
-We didn't see you with a mask on.
-Well, I can't help it if you didn't see me.
I mean, I had a mask on, but I didn't need it.
But I did put a mask on
and it was a Honeywell mask, actually.
And I also had a 3M mask and I had about four other masks.
But I did have it on. I don't know if you saw it or not,
but I had it on. -How long did you have it on for?
-Not too long, but I had it on.
I had it on backstage.
-Okay. First of all, it's a factory.
[ Laughing ] There's not a backstage.
"Let's give those machines
everything they've bargained for, boys!"
[ Laughing ] Also, to Trump, everything's a beauty pageant.
He was probably expecting the machinists to be wearing sashes.
"Hi, I'm Ted from Tucson and, well,
I guess my talent is -- [ Mumbling ] I don't know.
Makin' masks."
[ As Trump ] Very good, Ted. Now, do a twirl.
Okay. And, now,
can we see the swimsuit portion of the factory?
Is that nearby?
Second, what do you mean,
you can't help it if we didn't see you?
We saw you. You weren't wearing a mask.
You were wearing goggles, which is notable
because it's very weird to see a renowned moron like Trump
wearing something a scientist wears in a lab.
It's like watching a dog use a calculator.
[ Thumping ]
[ As dog ] [ Grumbles ]
Well, there's something much more revealing
about this episode than just the fact
that the president is a compulsive liar.
Trump didn't need to wear a mask
because he and all the people around him
have been tested for coronavirus,
which is obviously quite the luxury,
a luxury most Americans don't have.
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany
was asked why ordinary Americans
don't deserve the same access to testing
that government officials and corporate executives get
and she mocked the idea of widespread testing as absurd.
-You said, at Honeywell, that the president was told
by the folks at Honeywell, as was the team,
that they didn't need to wear masks.
The reason he was told that is because
the people who would be interacting with him
had all been tested and had been shown to be negative
before that took place, I guess.
So, the president had those circumstances.
Obviously, he's the president, but why shouldn't all Americans
who go back to work
be able to get a test before they do it,
to feel comfortable in their own work environment,
to be interacting with other individuals?
-Yeah, well, let's dismiss a myth about tests right now.
If we tested every single American
in this country at this moment,
we'd have to retest them an hour later
and then an hour later after that because,
at any moment, you could theoretically
contract this virus, so the notion that
everyone needs to be tested is just simply nonsensical.
-Oh, good point.
Maybe we should also stop providing food, too,
because people will eat a meal and then, four hours later,
they're just gonna eat another meal.
Or under quarantine 20 minutes later.
But listen to what she's saying there.
She's saying you don't need to be tested to go back to work,
but the president and everyone around him need to get tested
so he can go back to work safely
and freely engage in all his favorite hobbies,
like shakin' hands
and touchin' his face,
coughin' onto other people,
and licking chip dust off doorknobs.
[ As Trump ] Did somebody eat Cheetos?
There's a real Cheeto vibe from the doorknob.
That's what this is all about.
They just wanna protect themselves,
while telling you that you need to be a warrior
and get back out there
to get the economy going, fires be damned.
They're all Billy Zane from "Titanic,"
shoving themselves through the crowd
to get onto a lifeboat, while the rest of us float
in frigid waters and cling to a door
that Rose probably coulda let us in on,
because, you know, there's clearly enough room.
It's like, "Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a business class door?
Did you pay for more leg room?"
I know. I'm sorry, Rose. I know.
You've been through a lot. But I digress.
The point is, they're lookin' out for themselves, not you.
That's why they're testing themselves
and stuffing bailout money into the pockets
of big corporations and the wealthy.
In fact, today, it was reported
that the CDC had even written guidelines for safely reopening,
but the White House buried them.
The Trump administration has shelved the document,
created by the nation's top disease investigators,
with step-by-step advice to local authorities
on how and when to reopen restaurants
and other public places
during the still-raging coronavirus outbreak.
That's right, the CDC wrote a plan
for safely reopening the economy
and the Trump administration covered it up.
Basically, they did to the CDC plan
what Dr. Fauci does to his face during Trump's briefings.
[ As Trump ] Oh, that's a good idea, Fauci.
I didn't know you could use your hand as a mask.
[ Whispering ] Jared! Jared!
Get me a patent for hand masks.
That way, the next time Fauci does it,
he'll have to pay me and I can keep makin' him do it
and he'll keep having to make him pay me.
Ohhh! We're gonna ruin him, Jared!
Ohh, we're gonna ruin Fauci!
[ Raises voice ] Oh, hi, Fauci!
Oh, we were just talking about you.
Weren't we, Jared?
[ Whispering ] Jared, I'm winking.
Jared!
In fact, Trump even said this week
he doesn't think we need that much testing,
in order to get people back into the workforce safely.
-Look, we have so much testing.
I don't think you need that kind of testing, that much testing,
but some people disagree with me.
Some people agree with me.
-No! No one agrees with you.
I haven't seen one public health official say,
"You know what? Testing is overrated."
The importance of widespread testing
is like the one thing they all agree on.
If you watch the news, you will hear the word testing enough
to have nightmares about being back in high school.
Last night, I woke up in a cold sweat
and yelled at my wife, "Honey!
I'm late for the PSATs!
Give me a practice test. I need to cram!"
Or stuff. It's a synonym.
Thanks, Kaplan!
Of course, Trump doesn't understand tests
because he's never taken one without cheating.
In college, he just handed in blank essays
with a wad of cash clipped to them
and a note that said, "From Fred Trump."
So, Trump doesn't think we need that much testing
or, at least, he doesn't think you need that much testing.
He and everyone around him, of course,
have a completely different standard.
-Everybody traveling has been tested.
We have great testing
and, literally, they've been tested over the last hour
and the test result comes back in five minutes.
We have great testing, or they wouldn't be allowed
to travel with me, so they're all tested,
everybody traveling on the plane.
-Oh, I see. So, ordinary Americans
being forced back to work can't get tested,
but you and everyone around you can.
Look, I get that he's the president
and he's gonna get tested before everyone else.
In fact, depending on what the test is for,
I'd be fine with it.
I think everyone should have access to COVID tests,
but I'd be okay with Trump getting a regular CAT Stan
before he talks to the press.
Mr. President, it looks like you have
what we in the medical profession call
pancake brain.
But the point is not that the president shouldn't get tested.
It's that, if he wants to force working people back
into the economy prematurely
in the middle of a deadly pandemic,
he should make sure everyone else can get tested, too.
But Trump doesn't actually care about that.
In fact, he went to the Honeywell factory without a mask
to create the illusion that everything is fine.
We can all get back to normal.
Because, as a showman,
there's nothing Trump loves more than a photo op, or a prop.
Like the time he made a big deal of personally redesigning
the color scheme of Air Force One.
You know, important president stuff.
And had a giant model of the newer airplane
conspicuously placed on a table
in the Oval Office during a meeting
with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
Did you actually have a federal employee
make you a toy airplane, just so you could show it off
to a friend? What's next, are you gonna
invite Kim Jong-un over to watch you play Xbox
while you eat pizza rolls?
[ As Trump ] Yeah, it's called "Rocket League."
Pretty cool.
I'd let you play, but I only have one controller.
Mike!
We need more Totino's.
But, hey, I'm just glad Trump has his priorities in order.
-Don't forget, the cupboard was bare.
The other administration,
the last administration, left us nothing.
-You're three years into your first term.
-Yeah. -You're now applying for the job again.
What did you do, when you became president,
to restock those cupboards that you say were bare?
-Well, I'll be honest, uh...
I have a lotta things going on.
-You were playing with a toy airplane.
Seriously, how old are you, really?
I mean, 'cause your face says 90,
but your vocabulary says 9.
It's like body is aging normally,
but his brain is Benjamin Button-ing.
I mean, experts were warning about a pandemic for years
and your big priority was repainting your airplane.
If Trump weren't president, he'd be
the dude airbrushing his van
down by Daytona Beach during a hurricane.
You can just picture him with a earring and a goatee,
gettin' interviewed on the local news --
"Sir, why are you out here during this deadly storm?!"
[ As Trump ] Well, I gotta finish up the van.
I'm out, you know, puttin' some privacy beads up
in the windows and catch a snooze,
you know, I'm not selling my trade goods on the pier.
You want a toy airplane?
It's also a bong.
And I also would like that version of him.
In an alternate life, I'm a big fan of that guy.
Also, it's not true that the previous administration
left the cupboards bare.
You're the one who repeatedly proposed cuts
to the budgets of agencies, like the NIH and CDC,
shut down the pandemic planning unit,
and ignored a briefing from outgoing Obama officials
who tried to prepare you
for exactly this kind of scenario
before your inauguration.
Of course, you couldn't attend that pre-inauguration briefing
because you were too busy, awkwardly bobbing your head
during a Three Doors Down concert,
like a dad chaperoning his 14-year-old daughter on a date.
[ As Trump ] Well! This band is great.
I guess you could say they're my Kryptonite.
Oh, that, by the way, is a reference
to a Three Doors Down song, for those of you under 40.
No, let's face it -- almost all of you over 40 as well.
Trump doesn't care or know anything about testing
or contact tracing or pandemics.
[ Laughing ] He just loves props and photo ops.
That's right, another one of his trademark moves
is dramatically removing a piece of paper from his coat pocket
and showing it off to reporters,
whether it's a letter from a foreign leader
or a secret trade deal.
He's like an old lady who cuts out
and mails articles to her grandkids,
except he's too cheap to spring for a stamp.
At any given time, he's probably totin' around
like a week's worth of mail.
I think he's doing it so, if he loses in November,
he can say he has civil service protections.
[ As Trump ] I'm technically a mailman,
so you can't fire me without cause.
And, this week, Trump has been doing it again.
Everywhere he goes, he's been wavin' around a piece of paper
no one can read, or vet, to support his claimed
that he's succeeding in ramping up testing for coronavirus.
-These numbers were just released
and this is the United States, the amount of testing
and our level of testing and the quality of testing.
So this is the testing
and the line here is the United States.
If we tested as much as these countries down here, okay?
Who don't do very much testing at all,
if I tested this number of people,
instead of this number of people,
I'd have far fewer -- See this line?
Goes all the way up.
Over 7 million tests.
-No one can see or read what you're holding.
Even the anchor can't read it.
He's sitting more than 6 feet away from you.
Of course, he's probably practicing social distancing.
Although, it's also possible that's one
of the conditions of Trump's work release.
"Donald, your probation requires you
to stay at least 6 feet away from everyone, at all times,
or your ankle monitor will go off."
[ As Trump ] Oh!
I thought that noise meant the Totino's were done.
What a double burn for me --
no pizza rolls and, I'm violating probation.
Double bur-r-r-n!
Of course, in reality,
wavin' around a piece of paper means nothing.
The fact is Trump's deadly incompetence has made us
the global epicenter of the coronavirus outbreak,
while other major developed countries have managed
to suppress the virus and safely reopen.
And that failure is also due, in large part,
to his translucent son-in-law,
Jared Kushner, seen here showing off
his resting "the dean will hear about this" face.
Kushner led a volunteer task force
to oversee the White House coronavirus response
and, it turns out -- wait for it --
was amazing and did an incredible job
that impressed public health experts
across the political spectrum
and I'm just [bleep] with you. It was a disaster.
For example, the task force was charged
with securing protective equipment for hospitals,
but, according to The New York Times,
few of the leads panned out.
They used personal Gmail accounts,
prompting suspicion from some prospective suppliers
and brokers who questioned their bona fides.
That's right, they were emailing people
from personal Gmail accounts,
trying to buy masks and ventilators.
It's like they designed these emails to go directly to spam.
Did their emails ask for ventilators
and also offer suppliers
to help "meet hot horny singles in your area"?
Don't accept the false dichotomy
between staying locked down and reopening the economy.
There's a third option, where we can safely reopen
and involves doing exactly what Trump and his allies
are doing for themselves --
widespread testing.
But Trump and his allies are only interested
in protecting themselves, while they use you
as cannon fodder to rev up the economy.
If you believe Trump, or his toadies,
were ever really populace champions of the working class,
it's only because he tricked you.
I guess you could say he's...
-Had a mask on for a period of time.
-This has been "A Closer" --
[ Gasp ]
Instagram it!
Talkin' to the chair!
Instagram it!
This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
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