(lively music)
- Keanu Reeve. Keanu Reevis.
Keanu Reevis.
Keanu, Keanu, Keanu, Keanu, Keanu Reeves,
Keanu Reeves, Keanu Reeves, Keanu Reeves.
Keanu.
Hi, welcome to another edition of "Between Two Ferns".
I'm your host, Keanu Reeve,
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
and my guest today is Keanu Reeves.
Thank you for being here.
- Thanks for having me here.
- On a scale of 1 to 100,
how many words do you know?
- 1 to 100.
- Like, do you know 50 words?
Do you know 75 words? Do you know 18 words?
Is it frustrating to have people think of you
as a complete bozo, when the truth is
is that you're just a man with below-average intelligence?
Just do one for yes and then
two for no.
You have a big scar right here from a motorcycle accident.
- Yeah, I do. Yeah. - Is it, where is it? I mean-
- It goes from here to here.
- Big one. God, that big?
- Yeah, it's about-
- I have a similar scar on my leg.
- From what?
- Walked out of the movie "Lake House",
bumped into the seat in front of me.
I understand that you had to have your peen removed.
- My what?
- Your peen.
- My peen? Oh, you mean my spleen.
- Aw, darn it. I was hoping I could have it.
Peen, not spleen.
Do you research your roles?
- Yeah.
- Have you ever considered researching a character
that has taken acting classes?
- Right now I'm acting like this is fun.
How am I doing?
- Well, your name is Keanu, which is Hawaiian.
- Yeah. - But like Obama,
you weren't born in Hawaii, were you?
- No. No, I wasn't.
- You were born...
- In Beirut, Lebanon.
- Oh, like Obama.
- No.
- He was born in the Middle East, right?
(Keanu groans)
- Your band...
Are you still in the band?
- No, the band broke up.
- But called Dogstar.
- Yes.
- But I think the only dog star
that there every has really been-
- Yeah? - Spuds MacKenzie.
I usually high five after that, but I'm not going to.
- Okay.
- The focus group people always want to know,
where do you keep all of your awards?
- Uh, I- - On your mantle?
- I don't have that many awards.
- At the end of your career,
are you gonna look back and say
winning the MTV Movie Award for Best Fight
made it all worth it?
- Yeah.
- In "The Matrix", Neo is the chosen one.
- Yeah.
- So he's Jewish?
- I'm sorry, what?
- Neo is Jewish?
- Because he's chosen, he's the chosen one.
There's a big conspiracy theory
that you're not aging because you're immortal.
Is that why your movies feel like an eternity?
- Well, eternity feels shorter than this.
- Touché.
You know what that means?
- Touché?
- Are you saying touché, or you know what it...
- Touché. - Or did I just touché you?
I'm asking you...
By asking you- - You touchéd,
and then you asked me if I knew what touché meant.
- And then you said, "Touché."
- And I said, "Touché." - As if you were touchéing me.
- Kind of, but not really.
- You wrote a poem for a book, right?
And I love this poem. Do you mind if I read it?
It's called "An Ode to Happiness",
and you really wrote this.
"I draw a hot sorrow bath in my despair room
with a misery candle burning.
I wash my hair with regret shampoo
after cleaning myself with pain soap.
I dry myself with gorgeous white
one hundred percent and it will never change towel."
- Dude, man, if you- - Keep going.
- If you're alone, you don't- - Finish the poem.
- You don't put on soap, but you-
- If you're gonna read the poem,
read the poem, man. - "And I go to sleep."
Yeah, right in the middle of the poem.
- You're just-
- "When the hue has gone blue-"
- "And you can't quite grin and bear it,
let this word picture remind you
it can always be worse."
- And the worse would be reading the poem?
"Between Two Ferns: The Movie".
It's streaming now on Netflix.