-Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in.
Thanks for watching "The Tonight Show."
My name's Jimmy Fallon, and that is the Roots right over there,
ladies and gentlemen. [ Cheers and applause ]
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, the big story is still the Supreme Court,
and today it looks like the Republicans cleared
an important hurdle.
-Senator Lindsey Graham,
the chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee,
now says the Republicans have the votes to confirm
President Trump's nominee to fill Justice Ginsburg's seat
before the election, before they even know who the nominee is.
-That's right.
51 out of 53 Republicans are now on board
while the other two stick out like masks at a MAGA rally.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. The Republicans
are really backing Trump on this.
They were like, "We got him through Mueller,
the impeachment, and that time he called America
'the United Schess.'
We're not stopping now."
[ Laughter ]
Now it sounds like a vote could be held in just a few weeks.
Man, we haven't seen Republicans move this fast
since Men's Warehouse had a closing sale.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, you can tell Senate Republicans
are loving life right now.
They haven't been this happy since "Blue Bloods"
started streaming on Hulu.
[ Laughter ]
It's pretty wild.
The Republicans are in favor of Trump's nominee,
and he hasn't named one yet.
Even the people who got engaged on "Love Is Blind" were like,
"Don't you want to see who it is first?"
How do you agree to put someone on the Supreme Court
before you know who they are?
I don't even pick up a phone call
when I don't know who it is.
Unknown? I know like four of those people.
[ Laughter ]
I'm not gonna pick up right now.
I still can't believe we're letting Trump make that choice.
He's terrible at hiring people.
Everyone he's ever hired is either fired, in prison,
or in Steve Bannon's case, almost both.
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, last night in Ohio Trump held another rally,
and he said something pretty interesting
about who the coronavirus affects.
Watch this.
-We now know the disease. We didn't know it.
Now we know it.
It affects elderly people,
elderly people with heart problems and other problems.
Nobody young.
Below the age of 18, like nobody.
But it affects virtually nobody.
It's an amazing thing.
-Well, I think he's officially done up-playing the virus.
[ Laughter ]
Trump said the virus affects "virtually nobody."
Then somebody in the front row sneezed,
and Trump hit the floor like he dropped his remote.
[ Laughter ]
After Trump made that comment,
doctors and nurses wanted to respond,
but they're currently in the middle of a 4,000-hour shift.
Affects virtually nobody? How could he say that?
Right now my entire staff is dressed like
a bunch of welders who went scuba diving.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, as COVID cases begin to rise again in the U.K.,
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has decided to take action.
-We are once again asking office workers
who can work from home to do so.
Unless we palpably make progress, we should assume that
the restrictions I've announced will remain in place
for perhaps six months.
-Yeah, people immediately promised to follow the rules
because if they don't, Boris Johnson threatened
to send them to America.
[ Laughter ]
Can we see Boris Johnson again?
Yeah. It's not good when Americans look at him and say,
"I wish we had someone like that."
[ Laughter ]
Well, listen to this.
I read that Walmart is going to start delivering
COVID-19 test kits by drone.
Yep. The good news -- there's a new COVID drone from Walmart.
The bad news -- it's being operated by
an 85-year-old greeter.
"Hold still. Here comes the airplane."
[ Laughter ]
I'm no expert, but if you told me 20 years ago
we'd have flying drones delivering pandemic test kits
to our house, I'd say things did not go well.
[ Laughter ]
Some sports news.
On Sunday, a few NFL coaches
didn't wear masks on the sidelines.
And now they're being punished by the league.
Check it out.
-The NFL has dished out more than $1 million in fines
for coaches not wearing masks on the sidelines on Sunday.
Three head coaches -- Seattle's Pete Carroll,
Denver's Vic Fangio,
and San Francisco's Kyle Shanahan
each fined $100,000.
-$100,000.
Even for them, that's a lot of money.
To put that into perspective,
punching a ref is just 50 bucks and an apology.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, over $1 million in fines or,
as Trump put it, "virtually nothing."
Yep, they want the coaches wearing masks.
Meanwhile, the maskless players all ran back
to the ventless locker room and showered together.
[ Laughter ]
Well, this isn't good.
After launching less than six months ago,
the streaming platform Quibi is now exploring a potential sale.
Quibi actually announced they were for sale a few months ago,
but no one saw it.
[ Laughter ]
Quibi failed when everyone was home doing nothing.
That's like offering water at the end of a marathon
and every runner is like, "Nah, I'm good."
[ Laughter ]
"I'm just extremely thirsty is all."
Actually, I like Quibi
because it's the only thing in 2020 that seemed to go fast.
And finally, this is a strange anniversary.
60 years ago today
President Nixon ate half a sandwich in Illinois.
Listen to what happened to the other half.
-I picked it up and hopped on my bicycle and sped home.
I said, "Mom, I've got the sandwich
that Nixon took a couple bites out of."
I stuck it in the freezer,
and that's the way it still is today, 60 years later.
[ Laughter ]
-And 60 years from now,
his grandkid will show off Trump's half-eaten Big Mac.
[ Laughter ]
I'm just kidding. He didn't leave half.