MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS THE HOST OF THE NUMBER ONE CABLE
NEWS SHOW IN AMERICA FOR 15 YEARS RUNNING.
PLEASE WELCOME BILL O'REILLY!
♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YA?
I'M THE SAME.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE SAME?
YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU NEVER CHANGE?
NOT TOO MUCH.
I'M PRETTY CONSISTENT IN MY PRESENTATION.
>> Stephen: HOW'S EVERYTHING OVER AT FOX NEWS?
I HAVE NOT WATCHED IT MUCH IN THE LAST YEAR.
>> YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED.
>> Stephen: I WATCH MARTHA McCALLUM BECAUSE SHE'S A
FRIEND OF MINE.
HAD MEGYN KELLY ON LAST NIGHT.
YOU'RE STILL NUMBER ONE.
>> STILL NUMBER ONE.
>> Stephen: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE KING OF THE HILL FOR 20
YEARS.
>> I STARTED AT AGE 26, AM 41 NOW.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
WE WORK HARD.
EVERYBODY SAYS, IS THERE A MAGIC FORMULA?
THERE ISN'T.
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY WORKS HARD.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: THE GUYS AT CNN AND MSNBC AREN'T SEEING THEIR
KIDS OF LATE.
>> FIRST OF ALL, THEY'RE ALL ON CRACK OVER THERE.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
YOU GUYS DIDN'T KNOW THAT?
>> Stephen: BOTH OF THEM?
YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT?
>> Stephen: WOW.
THERE ARE A LOT OF ANCHOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WRITE THEIR OWN
STUFF.
THEY'RE IN MAKEUP FOR FIVE HOURS, LIKE YOU.
>> Stephen: MINE?
I WISH.
IT TAKES FIVE HOURS JUST TO GET THE LATEX APPLIANCES OUT.
>> IS THAT RIGHT?
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY.
YOU WRITE ALL YOUR STUFF?
>> I WRITE ALL MY STUFF.
>> Stephen: NO WRITERS ON YOUR STAFF?
>> NONE.
>> Stephen: ME EITHER.
AT THE END OF THE DAY, I JUST IMPROVISE.
>> IT'S MAGIC HOW YOU CAN DO IT ALL.
>> Stephen: LET ME ASK YOU ABOUT THE DEBATE THE OTHER
NIGHT.
YOU UNDERSTAND POLITICS.
I ONLY PRETENDED TO UNDERSTAND POLITICS FOR MANY YEARS.
THAT THING HAT HAPPENED WITH RUBIO SATURDAY NIGHT, THERE ARE
PEOPLE WHO SAY THAT'S IT FOR HIS CAMPAIGN, THAT HE SHOWED HIMSELF
TO BE A NEO-PHYTE, AND IF SOMEONE GETS THAT RATTLED, THEN
THEY CAN'T HANDLE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.
>> IN HIS FIRST YEAR WALTER MONDALE GOT CLOCKED.
THEN THEY BROUGHT IN MY BOSS, A POLITICAL CONSULTANT, AND HE
TURNED IT AROUND FOR REAGAN.
SO EVERYBODY CAN HAVE A BAD DEBATE PERFORMANCE.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
THIS RACE TOMORROW IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, I THINK TRUMP
WILL WIN, HE'S SO FAR AHEAD, I THINK HE'LL WIN.
I THINK SANDERS WILL WIN ON THE DEMOCRAT SIDE.
(CHEERING) THERE IS ONLY TWO DEMOCRATS, SO
HILLARY HAS TO COME IN SECOND.
BUT ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE, AFTER TRUMP, YOU JUST DON'T
KNOW.
IT'S JUST A SWIRL.
THERE IS ONLY 17 PEOPLE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER YOU KNOW THAT OR NOT -- (LAUGHTER)
-- AND IT'S THE SAME PEOPLE.
THEY'RE GETTING D DONUTS AND COFFEE AND WHOEVER HAS THE BEST
SWAG CAN WIN.
>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU THINK TRUMP IS DOING SO WELL?
WHAT'S HIS SECRET TO APPEALING TO THE AUDIENCE?
>> TRUMP HIT HISTORY AT THE RIGHT TIME BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE
ANGRY.
TRUMP AND SANDERS ARE REALLY THE SAME GUY, THEY JUST CHANGE THEIR
FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM IN THE SAME
ROOM AT THE SAME TIME.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: TRUMP AND SANDERS ARE THE SAME GUY BECAUSE THEY'RE
TAPPING INTO THE ANGER OF THE VOTER WHO FEELS THEY'RE GETTING
HOSED.
ON THE RIGHT THEY DON'T LIKE THE FACT THERE IS AN OPEN BORDER,
THAT I.S.I.S. IS BEHEADING AMERICA, NOTHING HAPPENS TO
I.S.I.S., ARRANGE, ANGER.
THE LEFT, THEY FEEL THE ECONOMY IS RUN BY THE BIGS, AND I'M
GOING TO SOLVE THAT -- >> Stephen: ARE YOU HAVING A
STROKE?
I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S HAPPENING (APPLAUSE)
I WANTED TO MAKE SURE WE HAVE THE E.M.T.s STANDING BY.
>> THE BILLIONAIRES ARE CONTROLLING IT, THE 1%
CONTROLLING 90% OF THE ECONOMY FOR EVERYONE ELSE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE STILL HAVING THE SAME STROKE.
(LAUGHTER) HAVEN'T PEOPLE ALWAYS APPEALED
WITH ANGER?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: YOU DO ON YOUR SHOW.
>> I'M DIFFERENT.
>> Stephen: JEB BUSH.
DOES HE LOOK ANGRY?
>> Stephen: NO, HE LOOKS BEWILDERED.
>> WHY?
>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK JEB DOESN'T WANT TO RUN?
HE LOOKS LIKE H HE THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO A WEDDING AND
WANDERS INTO A BAR MITZVAH AND GOES, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
LANGUAGE...
DO I PUT THE LITTLE THING ON MY HEAD?
IS IT A SMACK OR A HAT?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, IS IT A TACO?
COLBERT'S LOST CONTROL.
LET'S GO BACK.
>> THIS TIME IN HISTORY.
PEOPLE WANT AN AVENGER.
NOT A POLITICIAN.
>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK THAT'S GOOD BECAUSE AN AVENGER
CANNOT NECESSARILY GOVERN OR LEAD, HE STIRS A CROWD BUT HOW
DO YOU CHANGE THINGS?
>> THAT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD QUESTION FROM COLBERT.
(APPLAUSE) IT'S GOOD AND IT'S BAD.
THE GOOD PART ABOUT IT IS IT GETS PEOPLE ENGAGED IN THE
POLITICAL PROCESS SO THAT TRUMP HIMSELF HAS PERFORMED A MIRACLE
BY MAKING AMERICANS ACTUALLY PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT'S HAPPENING.
THAT'S GOOD.
WHAT'S BAD IS BOTH TRUMP AND SANDERS SAY STUFF THAT'S
IMPOSSIBLE THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN AND THEIR FOLLOWERS I
GUESS DON'T LIKELY CARE, SO TRUMP SAYS FOR EXAMPLE, WELL,
I'M GOING TO DEPORT 12 MILLION ILLEGAL ALIENS.
I SAID TO HIM ON MY SHOW, YOU CAN'T BECAUSE OF DUE PROCESS.
ONCE YOU'RE IN THE UNITED STATES, WHETHER LEGAL OR
ILLEGAL, YOU HAVE ALL THE RIGHTS UNDER THE CONSTITUTION, THAT
WOULD MEAN YOU HAVE 12 MILLION SEPARATE HEARINGS IN FRONT OF
JUDGES WHICH WOULD TAKE US UP TO ABOUT THE THE YEAR 2080.
>> Stephen: NOT IF YOU USE JUDGE JUDY.
SHE COULD WHIP THROUGH THOSE PEOPLE.
(APPLAUSE) MAKE SOME POINTS, TOO.
JUDGE JUDY.
>> ON THE OTHER SIDE, YOU HAVE SANDERS GOING EVERYBODY IS GOING
TO GET A FREE PUBLIC EDUCATION.
>> Stephen: THEY DO IT ALL OVER THE WORLD.
>> DOESN'T MATTER, 16 PEOPLE IN DENMARK, THERE IS 325 MILLION
PEOPLE HERE, $19 TRILLION IN DEBT.
I KNOW YOU DON'T CARE BUT THERE IS A BIG DEBT AND BERNIE WOULD
DOUBLE IT AND YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
SO IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
SO THAT'S THE GOOD AND THE BAD.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S A GOOD PLACE TO PAUSE AND TAKE A
COMMERCIAL BREAK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE GOOD AND THE BAD AND THE BILL
O'REILLY!