HELLO.
MY NAME'S CHRIS ROMANO,
AND WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT JOHNNY COOL,
WHO HAPPENED TO BE THE MOST FAMOUS ARSONIST
IN THE HISTORY OF MASSACHUSETTS.
- AND WHO WAS HE...TO YOU?
- HE'S MY DAD.
[laughter]
MY MOM SAID TO ME, WHEN I WAS 14,
YOUR DAD'S NOT WHO HE SAID HE WAS.
AND I SAID, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOUR FATHER WAS AN ARSONIST IN THE '70s.
I SAID, I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THAT IS...
AT ALL.
ANYTHING THAT YOU COULD GET FOR INSURANCE,
YOU BURN IT DOWN.
BECAUSE OF THAT,
WE WERE PUT IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.
NOW, I SAID, WHAT?
AND SHE SAID, YOU'RE IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.
YOUR REAL LAST NAME'S NOT ROMANO.
IT'S SHAHEEN.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY ITALIAN. YOU'RE LEBANESE.
AND I WAS LIKE, AW, MA--
AW, MAN.
MY DAD IS KNOWN FOR BURNING DOWN
THE MOST AMOUNT OF PLACES
IN THE HISTORY OF NEW ENGLAND.
MY DAD'S REAL NAME WAS JOHN SHAHEEN.
HE WENT BY "JOHNNY COOL."
BUT THE THING IS
THEY CALLED MY DAD AND HIS PARTNER GEORGIE
THE GOLD DUST TWINS.
MY PRONUNCIATION'S--
I'M SORRY, MY PRONUNCIATION'S BAD.
- THAT'S FINE. - YOU CAN UNDERSTAND ME?
- I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU. - YOU CAN UNDERSTAND?
- YEAH.
- GEORGIE WAS LIKE, I GOT THIS JOB.
WE SHOULD GO DO IT.
WHAT DO YOU NEED ME TO BURN DOWN?
ONE OF THE BIGGEST HOTEL CONSTRUCTIONS
IN NEW ENGLAND.
THIS IS PERFECT.
SO THEY GO TO THE HOTEL.
THEY MEET UP WITH THE GUY.
THE GUY WHO HIRED HIM SAYS,
I NEED YOU TO BURN THIS PLACE TO THE [bleep] GROUND.
I OWE A LOT OF MONEY ON IT.
I PUT TOO MUCH MONEY INTO THE ROOMS.
I PUT TOO MUCH MONEY INTO THE CARPETS.
I PUT TOO MUCH MONEY INTO THE KITCHENS.
I PUT TOO MUCH MONEY INTO THE--
INTO THE DRAPES!
AND MY DAD SAYS, NO PROBLEM. I'M THE BEST.
THAT'S WHY YOU [bleep] HAD ME COME.
[rock music]
SO--SO MY DAD BURNT THAT...
HOTEL DOWN.
♪ ♪
AND WHAT WAS CRAZY ABOUT MY DAD WAS,
WHILE THE PLACE WAS BURNING, HE WOULD STICK AROUND
AND WATCH IT BURN DOWN WITH THE FIRE DEPARTMENT
AND EVERYBODY ELSE,
AND GO, WOW! THAT'S A FIRE, HUH?
AND PEOPLE WOULD GO, YEAH, THAT'S A [bleep]...
CRAZY-LOOKIN' FIRE.
AND HE'D GO, WHOO!
[bleep] THING IS-- LOOKS HOT.
UM-- [drink spills]
[laughing]
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING? OH!
[laughs hysterically]
[laughter and applause]
CHRIS ROMANO.
[patriotic music]
- IN 1979,
MY DAD WAS ARRESTED FOR COUNTERFEIT MONEY.
AND HE SAID, COUNTERFEIT?
UM, THAT'S NOTHING. LET'S TALK ABOUT ARSON.
THE AGENT'S LIKE, OKAY.
I BURNT DOWN OVER 200 HOUSES.
100 CARS, 100 BOATS, HOTELS.
LIQUOR STORES.
I'MA [bleep]--I'M GOOD AT [bleep] BURNING [bleep] DOWN.
THE AGENT WAS LIKE, EXCUSE ME.
UM, THIS GUY JUST IS [bleep] TELLING--
HE JUST BROKE OPEN THE BIGGEST ARSON CASE
IN THE HISTORY OF MASSACHUSETTS
THAT WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO SOLVE FOR TEN YEARS.
I'M NOT GONNA BE HOME FOR DINNER OR BREAKFAST OR LUNCH.
THE INVESTIGATOR SAID,
YOU CAN GO STRAIGHT,
AND WE'RE GOING TO GIVE YOU THAT OPPORTUNITY TO GO STRAIGHT.
JUST TELL US WHO YOU WORK WITH,
AND, YOU KNOW, WE CAN MAKE THIS VERY, VERY EASY FOR YOU.
HE JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY MOTHER WAS PREGNANT WITH ME.
SO HE RATTED ON HIS BEST FRIEND.
HE RATTED ON EVERYBODY HE EVER BURNT DOWN A HOUSE FOR.
AND THAT CAUSED EVERYBODY TO GO, WELL, I WANNA KILL YOU...
BECAUSE YOU HAVE JUST TOLD ON ME.
[stammering, slurring]
I DIDN'T HAVE-- AND I'M NOT LIKE I [bleep]--
[soft rock music]
THEY MOVED US TO NEW HAMPSHIRE.
THEY GAVE US A NEW IDENTITY.
AND THEY GAVE HIM THE MONEY.
AND THEY SAID, YOU CAN'T--
LIKE ANYBODY ELSE WHO'S IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM,
YOU CAN'T DO WHAT YOU NORMALLY DID AND--
WHEN YOU WEREN'T IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM--
ARE YOU GONNA DO THIS, BE ABLE TO GO STRAIGHT, JOHNNY?
AND HE SAID, I THINK SO.
BUT YOU KNOW ME.
IF ALL ELSE FAILS,
ALL I WANNA DO IS BURN, BURN, BURN.
[cheerful music]
♪ ♪
IF PEOPLE EVER HAVE THE FACT
THAT PEOPLE THINK THEY KNOW WHO PEOPLE ARE,
THEY HAVE NO CLUE WHO...
REAL PEOPLE-- REAL PEOPLE KNOW WHO THEY ARE.