- I just turned 30, everyone. (audience woots)
No, thank you. It's not a woo birthday.
30 is just one of those, I feel like you turn 30,
and young people are like, "Eh, you're old."
And old people are like,
"You don't know what the fuck old is!"
You're like, "Okay, all right?"
"I will just sit here in the corner
'cause standing is starting to hurt my back."
Like that's what 30 is. (audience laughs)
It's a weird age, I don't know. I feel like I'm at 30.
I feel like I just have this now irresistible hankering
to acquire real estate.
Like that's just driving around, looking at houses.
Like, "How do I get one of these goddamn things?
I want a boat, goddamn it. (audience laughs)
What do I need to do to get one of these?"
And I know it's not just me
'cause all my friends in this age bracket,
I used to sneak up on 'em in their computers.
They'd be looking at porn.
Now it's just Zillow, I'm like,
"What are you doing, you sick fuck?"
They're like, "What? I wasn't gonna buy it.
(audience laughs)
I just wanna know what the market was like in this area."
All their browser tabs are like, "Hot,
open Victorians looking to get filled."
I'm like, "Just calm down, sir.
Do not touch yourself to crown molding.
Do not get a full chub to a half bath.
It's a little thirsty, we can just chill."
I gotta start making decisions, like do I wanna have kids?
It's a big one, I don't know.
I think I do, but I have to be honest,
it does scare the shit outta me.
The idea of bringing a human life into this world,
being with it, caring for it all the time.
I'm like, "What if I have a kid and it's a dud?
(audience laughs)
What if the kid just sucks, and it's not my fault?
Now I'm hanging out with a loser, 100% of the time?
I'm not getting invited to parties
'cause I'm dragging around this fucking narc?
I got a great group of friends,
I'm not at the barbecue just 'cause my kid wants
to do witchcraft in the backyard?
I don't think so."
I just want a good, strong, healthy child,
who bullies the other ones,
just mashing a kid's face (audience laughs)
in the dirt, I'm like,
"It's gonna make money, I'll tell you that.
What do we got, sales, real estate, finance?
Get out there."
Kid's gonna be okay.
I wanna think my kid will be cool.
I'm like, "Oh, it'll be a mix of me and my girl, right?
She's awesome, that's why I picked her.
I'm lit," you can tell.
This haircut? Come on, that's a fun guy.
(audience laughs)
But that's not how genetics works.
You get all sorts of weird recessive shit coming
down the pipeline.
Kid could end up being a mix of her aunt and my uncle.
(audience laughs)
It's a shitty kid, that's nuts.
I'm like, "Oh my God, it's a dwarf and a pedophile?"
(audience laughs)
At least it's a fair fight down there,
but (audience laughs)
that's not what the doctor ordered.
That's not the kid you want. (laughs)
I wanna think I'll just focus on my kid,
like I'll make my kid smart, I'll make my kid study,
I'll make my kid a doctor.
But look, my kid's not gonna be a doctor.
(audience laughs)
I'm not an immigrant.
(audience laughs)
I was born here,
you think my child's gonna have that kind of work ethic?
There is a 0% chance
that entitled little shit is doing extra school.
There's no way! (audience applauds)
I'm gonna be like, "Hey, do what you love."
It's gonna be like, "I love coke," and I'll be like, "Ah!
(audience laughs)
Are you good at it?"
"No, my face is always bleeding."
I'm like, "Well,
should have hit you like our foreign friends.
You would've worked harder. (audience laughs)
No work ethic." (laughs)
It'd be a weird time to raise kids, I don't know.
Everything I read about the younger generation,
it worries me.
Everything I read is like gen Z's the most depressed,
anxiety-ridden generation of all time.
That's concerning to me.
Then I go on TikTok, they're all just dancing.
I'm like, "I think they're fine.
I'm not a psychologist,
but I've never ripped off spirit fingers at a funeral.
So something tells me the children are okay."
Then I listen to gen Z rap once,
I was like, "The kids are sad, the kids are very sad.
They need help, they need a lot of help now."
I'm not an old, lame man.
I like it, it's good music.
It's just the subject matter's depressing as shit
'cause all gen Z rap's just like,
£ I just popped a zeny £
£ I wanna kill myself £
I'm like, "Jesus Christ."
Whatever happened to good,
confident hip hop about killing other people?
That's what I grew up on, that's a good message.
You say what you want,
50 Cent fucking believed in himself,
okay? (audience applauds)
That man got shot nine times.
Did he give up? No!
He was going to get rich or die trying, right?
Not try dying, all right?
That's a better message.
All I'm saying is these kids need to stop doing drugs
and start selling them, okay?
Well, I'll tell my kids, "You wanna do coke in this house?
Flip a couple fucking bags, all right?
Get out there!
Grandpapi came to Ellis Island.
He'd move that pow-pow in the suburbs, all right?
Get out there.
Teach you some good lessons," that's just econ, right?
You just find a rich kid who has a bad relationship
with his father, start him off on a gateway.
Start pounding the hard stuff, water it down.
That's econ. (audience laughs)
"Your Christmas present this year is fentanyl.
Get out there!"
All right, oh hey, it's my community. I do drugs.
(Joey and audience laughing)
I don't know, I don't know why the kids are sad.
I try to think about it.
I feel like it has to be phones, right?
I feel like phones make me depressed.
There's so much on there, I feel like I get apathetic.
I look at my phone, I'm like, "I've got texts,
news notifications, blah, blah blah."
By the time I get an Amber alert, I'm like, "Ugh.
Good luck, Amber. (audience laughs)
Enjoy the back of the blue Camry.
I got 18 notifications, I'm gonna go fight crime right now,
is that what's happening?
I gotta email my boss.
I'm not gonna fucking track down a Passat
on the freeway and ram it into the road.
I'm not a crime fighter, you just made my day worse.
I dunno what to do." (audience laughs)
(audience woots)