(upbeat music)
- The Parenting Junkie.
Hi guys, welcome back to The Parenting Junkie,
the place to go to love parenting
and for parenting from love. (bright happy music)
And today I wanna talk about a topic
that a lot of you have written to me about
in various shapes and forms.
And I'm gonna unite it under the roof of the question,
how can I handle whining?
Whining,
can be a really annoying tone of voice
that our kids adopt to talk to us
when they are exhausted, overwhelmed,
distressed in some manner, shape or form.
But it's a very easy trigger point for parents
when a kid starts to whine.
And something kind of interesting happens,
because when a baby cries, we're usually more able
to see that as a cry because of a need
and to respond to it as such
and not get annoyed by the tone.
And as a toddler begins to use their words
and a kid begins to speak and they grow up
and we know that they are capable of talking,
we expect them to talk in pleasant tones all the time.
So I think there are a bunch of myths that need to be busted
about whining.
And a bunch of tools that we can use and that I myself
need to utilize more when whining comes our way.
The first thing I want you to consider
is imagine, you know especially you ladies,
have you ever been emotional or upset
and been told "Oh you're so hysterical"
or "It must be that time of the month."
or "She's just being emotional."
Having our feelings brushed off because of the way
that they're delivered or because they're more intense
than other people might feel,
is something that's really hurtful
for most of us and is not helpful
in overcoming those emotions.
So if you've had a difficult day at work
and you come home and your husband says
"Oh you're just being hysterical"
or "You're just PMSing and I'll speak to you
"when you're not so hormonal",
you could kind of start to see
the type of brush off that we often give our kids
when they're using a whiny tone,
and just how hurtful that can really be.
And for men, have you ever been told
that you should just relax, that it's not such a big deal,
that you shouldn't get so angry or defensive?
You know, these responses to our intense emotions
are very destructive in a way, 'cause they shut us down
and shut us out and they don't allow us to really express
what we're trying to say.
So, consider when a child whines and we say things like
"use your words" or "I can't talk to you
"if you're gonna talk in that kind of voice"
or "stop whining" or "there's nothing to whine about"
or "I just bought you an ice cream
"and a toy and now you're whining",
consider how that feels to the child.
Let's look at some of the myths about whining
and some of the things that we can actually do proactively
to help preempt whining
and how to handle it when it does happen.
So, the first thing I wanna say is,
as tempting as it is to shut down the tone of voice,
whining is an indicator, it's a red flag,
it's a sign that something is bothering our child.
It means that they are either distressed,
they have a cry inside them that they need to let out,
they're tired, they're hungry, it's really just a sign
that they're not regulating.
The beautiful thing about whining,
I know, who thought that that would be a sentence ever,
a beautiful thing about whining,
but there is a beautiful thing about whining,
is that your child is not in complete meltdown.
They are actually exercising a lot of self restraint
and they are actually managing to communicate with words,
even if it's not the tone and the words
that we would most prefer at that moment.
So we can already congratulate ourselves and them
for that level of self regulation.
In that sense you can see whining really as a win
as something that they are succeeding at
because they are talking and they are using their words,
instead of being aggressive, for example.
But at that moment, one thing that you need to know
is that there is something there,
there is something troubling them,
and until they are able to let that out
and express that or get that need filled,
they will continue to whine, so it's well worth your while
to stop whatever it is you are doing
and to address them.
Could be that they need 10 minutes of undivided attention.
They need to sit on your lap, they need to snuggle,
they need to read a book, they need to talk,
they need you just to stroke them
or give them your attention.
Could be that, like I said,
they need some kind of physical need.
Maybe they haven't noticed that they're hungry or tired.
Or maybe they need to pee.
Kids so often whine when they really just need the bathroom.
So think about those things.
And then sometimes the whining's just that bit edgier
and that bit higher pitched and it's indicating
that your child really has a big cry inside of them
and that they really need to cry.
And in that case, perhaps you could encourage that
or even consider setting an arbitrary limit,
like no I'm not changing your blue cup to a green cup
when your child's whining, just to allow them
to release their cry.
And you can learn more about this from Dr. Laura Markham
at Aha! Parenting, who talks about the scheduled meltdown,
when your child is just on edge
and they need to have a meltdown.
And instead of waiting for it to eventually erupt,
probably when you're at the supermarket,
or when your boss is on the phone, why not invite it in
when your child is still at that whiny stage?
If possible.
So, really the most important thing to meet whining with
is empathy.
Now, that doesn't mean that we can't teach our children
to express things in a kinder tone.
But the best way to teach them politeness and kindness
and self regulation is to model it.
And what usually happens when a child is whining
is that we get snowballed with them
and start whining ourselves.
Stop whining!
I can't hear that whining.
Can you hear how we get whiny in response?
So the first thing to do is take a mirror
and look at your own self and your own tone of voice
and see if you are modeling that whinyness
or if you are able to calm the waters
and to bring the tone lower and to talk to them respectfully
despite their whinyness.
Joining with our child in finding a brew of connection
and empathy when they are whining
is something that will really strengthen our bond with them
and it shows them that we are there for them
first and foremost.
Again, consider a friend, a colleague, a spouse,
who comes home and is in a terrible mood
and talks in an annoying way
or in an aggressive way or in a crying, whiny way.
It's really just bad practice and almost disrespectful
to say, you know I won't talk to you
if you're talking in that tone of voice.
It isn't empatic in the slightest
and that's not what we want to teach our kids.
So, next time your kid is whining, consider connecting,
listening, empathizing and finding the root of the problem
because there is a root there.
Is whining something that triggers you,
and if so, how do you handle it?
I would love to hear.
The best place to have this conversation
is over at theparentingjunkie.com.
So head on over and leave a comment now.
And while you're there you can sign up
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Did you like this video?
I really hope you did.
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And keep on loving parenting and parenting from love,
because your kids need you almost as much as you need them.
See ya next time.
(upbeat music)
The Parenting Junkie.