Nagging, we hate that. Do you ever wonder what nagging does to a relationship?
I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach all over the world about relationships communication self-government
and in this video we're going to be talking about nagging and your relationships.
Have you ever been nagged before? You know what that feels like, right, when you're
getting nagged? All of a sudden it feels like somebody is trying to control you, well that's
definitely one of the byproducts of nagging in a relationship. We sometimes nag our spouses.
In fact, I would say nagging spouses is probably one of the top ways or people that people nag but
we also nag our children, sometimes even in the office we nag and this definitely can have an
impact on our relationships and our productivity. So in this video, we're going to be talking about
5 different things that happen to relationships because of nagging. You are going to want to stay
to the end of this video because not only am I talking in this video about what effects
nagging has on our relationships but I'm going to give you some bonus tips
on what to do instead. Number one, nagging decreases trust. So, just think about the process of nagging.
When a person is nagging another person, they're saying did you get this done yet? You've got to
do this. Remember you have to do this. It's almost time to go, do you see that it's almost time to go?
So you're not even trusting at all in a person's ability to regulate themselves, to plan for
themselves, to make choices for themselves so you're actually giving the message I don't trust
that you can think well enough to accomplish this task or to get to where you need to by yourself
without my help. This is actually really bad not only for the person because they will think well, I
don't have to keep track of anything. I don't have to be in charge of anything because someone's just
going to make me do it or do it for me. It makes them become very lazy, apathetic but also what
happens is they get the feeling that nobody trusts that they can think so over time they just stop
thinking because they assume it does no good. I know of a man whose wife nags him all the time
and finally he just said I just do whatever she says and I just don't even think of the rest. I
just go about doing my own business until she tells me what to do because I just have to keep
her happy and I thought how sad is that? How sad. So, basically he is his own little island, he feels
like she doesn't trust him, she's going to control everything anyway. He wants the outcome of maybe
having no conflict so he's gonna follow along with that, so he's okay with disempowering himself
because of this lack of trust. Number two, nagging decreases productivity. Just like I mentioned
in the story a moment ago, this man did not want to do anything. In fact he had programmed himself
not to do anything unless he was nagged to do it multiple times. So, there had to be an emotional
pull on him that made him step up and start doing whatever it was that he knew he needed to be doing
at that time or that somebody wanted him to do because they were controlling him, whichever the
case may be, but he wasn't going to be productive unless somebody demanded productivity and at
that point, because of the decrease in trust, really he's probably going to be a little bit disgruntled,
not going to really enjoy the task of getting it done, probably not going to have as much integrity
in his work because he's just doing whatever it is to appease somebody else. That productivity or that
desire to work and to accomplish is diminished because we think now we're doing something
for somebody else instead of doing the action for ourself. This is what nagging does. It makes it so
that people do not take ownership over their own behaviors, their own productivity and they start
losing drive just in general on almost everything they do because they now are relying on a person
to spear them, prod them along. I've got three more points for you but before I get to those three
more points that you are going to want to know, hit that bell because if you are liking this video,
you're not going to want to miss other ones that come out about topics that are totally relevant
for your life. Number three, nagging decreases the connection in a relationship. This is super
important. So, really what makes that relationship in the first place? It's that bond or connection
that you have with that person and when you nag immediately the people distance from each other.
They go on the defensive, right? Like wait, what are you telling me to do? Do you care about me?
Are you actually not valuing me because you're just thinking about yourself and your stuff? So,
all of a sudden people go to a selfish place and this actually damages the relationships. So in
order to maintain connection in our relationships, what we need to do is we need to learn skills or
techniques for communicating something that might need to be done to another person in a way that
is not nagging. I know a lot of people think the solution is asking but asking is not the best
solution, especially when it comes to the children because that's really passive. So what I'm gonna do
is at the end of these five points, I'm gonna give you a bonus point which is what to do instead of
nagging. Number four, nagging makes both people feel or appear to be controlling. So, lots of times we
we think when we're in that nagging environment, whether we're the nagger or whether we're the
naggy, we think that person is just trying to control me when in reality both people are
attempting to control. So actually this initiates power struggle. When one person is telling another
person what to do in a way that acts as if they have authority over the other person, especially
in a marriage or a work relationship, this is not good, right, but they are starting to use emotion
to manipulate or control that person, then it seems like that person is simply just controlling. But to
the person who's doing the nagging, when they see the other person not taking action, they assume the
other person doesn't care or the other person is trying to stop their progress. So, they think the
other person is trying to control. As soon as we start viewing the other person in our relationship
as a controller, then what happens is we both start power struggling and manipulating the other person.
Number five, nagging promotes selfishness. So, to nag a person is to tell them to do something with an
emotional or stressful type of a tone behind the communication. That right there is the sign that
a person is in a state of selfishness, okay, but also when a person doesn't take action, has to
be reminded again and again about something, that person is in a state of selfishness. Now, let me
tell you what happens when we've got a nagger or a naggy, either one in the state of selfishness,
all the people that they communicate with end up getting that selfish vibe. So, it spreads
like a disease in the home or the office. We do not want to have a selfish disease on our hands
because then everyone starts complaining, getting grumpy, argumentative. So what do we do instead? That
brings me to my bonus for you. If you don't want to fall into the habit of nagging, then what you need
to do is you need to be proactive. So, you've got to remember that nagging is a reactive behavior.
You're reacting to your own stressors, you're reacting to somebody else's behavior,
messages that they're sending you so what you need to do is you need to be proactive. So, you've got to
decide ahead of time how am I going to communicate with these people? So, you're probably going to
consider what are the roles. Maybe the roles in the office, the roles in the marriage relationship,
the roles in the parent-child relationship. For instance in a parent-child relationship or in the
relationship at an office where there is a boss or an employer and an employee, we do definitely have
some lines of authority, right? There are authority figures they have to maintain that authority
in order to keep the balance and the productivity at the top levels in the home environment and in
that work environment. So, determine who are you in those roles and relationships. Are you the teacher,
are you the learner, are you the person driving the vision or are you the person accomplishing
the project? What is it that you are doing in that particular environment with those relationships?
After you do that, then you have to say to yourself, okay, so now that I've factored in the roles
and this is if you are a nagger, you are going to say to yourself I'm going to prepare the people
to accept my role, to accept my direction and so I'm going to talk to them about how
the direction's going to come, the words that I'm going to use and what is required of them at that
time, which means then you're going to teach the people that could potentially turn into naggies
the skills that they need. So in a home, the parents would teach their children the skill of
following instructions. Now this is also a great skill for the office. There are five steps to
following an instruction. You look at the person or the situation, keep a calm face, voice and body,
say okay or ask to disagree appropriately, do the task immediately and then check back so that
there's accountability and there's praise. That praise is super important. The more things that
are praised, the less things you have to remind or nag or correct and let's really just stay right
away from nagging and reminding because those are things that lead away from self-government,
that's what I'm known for teaching people all about self-government so these tips I'm giving
you right now are absolutely going to increase the self mastery in each person in the relationships
in the home as well as in your work environment. So, you teach the person the skill set of following in
instructions and then you say if it doesn't happen, if you don't follow the instruction when it's time
then these will be the negative consequences, then number one top priority you follow through.
So on the feedback part of that relationship, you give praise when it happens so it continues to
happen again but if it doesn't happen, you do a really positive productive correction. If you
don't know how to do that, you can look into my teaching self-government course. There's
a lot of information there that you could find about doing proper corrections to maintain roles.
When you do that, you do it consistently. It's the people that keep their tolerances really high
and don't consistently correct because they don't want to be a bad guy, those are
the ones that end up nagging all the time. So, remember that. If you don't want to be a nagger,
you've got to be a person who thinks that it's okay, comfortable, even healthy and safe to correct
another person. If you've enjoyed this tiny sneak peek into what self-government could be like for
you in your life, then you're going to want to check out my website teachingselfgovernment.com
and the course that is there. It's called the TSG parenting course and just so you know
the principles and skills that are presented in that parenting course are actually applicable to
all ages and also to all roles that you might have. So, check out that course, truly it's life-changing.
Click on teaching self-government in the description below now and I will see you there.