YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY'S IN THE TOILET
WHEN THE AMISH CAN AFFORD FULL-PAGE ADS IN EVERY PAPER.
APPARENTLY, BUTTER IS RECESSION-PROOF.
DOES ANYONE IN HERE KNOW WHAT I'M EVEN TALKING ABOUT
AT THIS POINT?
THE AMISH, THEY MAKE THIS FIREPLACE
THAT DOESN'T PLUG IN.
THERE'S NO FIRE, BUT IT'S PUMPING OUT HEAT.
I ASSUME THERE'S A HAMSTER IN THERE
LOSING HIS MIND.
IT'S NO SNUGGIE, BUT IT'S A GREAT PRODUCT.
YEAH, SOMEBODY BOUGHT ME A SNUGGIE AS A JOKE GIFT.
HA, THE JOKE'S ON YOU. I ENJOY IT.
[laughter]
YEAH. HUH.
I TOSS AND TURN AT NIGHT.
FINALLY, A BLANKET THAT'S LIKE, "NUH-UH,
I'M GONNA KEEP YOU WARM."
[laughter]
IT'S LIKE HAVING A SMALL CHILD WITH POLIO
KEEP YOU IN A FULL NELSON.
THE PERFECT PRESSURE.
WHAT UPSET ME ABOUT THE GIFT
IS THAT'S ALL I RECEIVED, WAS ONE SAGE GREEN SNUGGIE,
WHEN, IN FACT, I KNOW IT COMES WITH TWO SNUGGIES
AND TWO BOOK LIGHTS.
THOSE ARE $20 VALUES.
WHERE THE HELL IS THE REST OF MY GIFT?
YEAH.
YOU HAVE UNTIL CHRISTMAS, OR I'M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE
AND RIPPING 3/4 OF YOUR FATHEAD OFF YOUR WALL.
NOT BIG BEN. YEAH.
BEN SHOULDN'T BE IN THE BATHROOM WITH ANYONE.
[laughter and applause]
SPEAKING OF QUARTERBACKS, UH, BRETT FAVRE--
I LOVE THAT EVERYBODY GAVE HIM SO MUCH GRIEF TO RETIRE.
BRETT FAVRE SHOULD RETIRE.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
HE MAKES $12 MILLION A YEAR TO PLAY A GAME.
"YEAH, I'M GONNA KEEP PLAYING."
"HEY, BRETT, THE WHOLE WORLD THINKS YOU SHOULD RETIRE."
"YOU SAID $12 MILLION, RIGHT?
YEAH, THEY CAN GO [bleep] THEMSELVES."
[laughter and applause]
I WOULD NEVER QUIT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WHAT ABOUT IN FOUR YEARS?
HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A STARTER,
BUT HE COULD BE A BACKUP IN THE NFL.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS? ABOUT $4 TO $5 MILLION.
"UH, YEP, I'M GONNA DO THAT."
HOW ABOUT TEN YEARS? NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A BACKUP.
BUT HE COULD BE ON THE PRACTICE SQUAD.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT PAYS? ABOUT $850,000.
"UH, YEP, I'M GONNA DO THAT AS WELL.
I'LL PLAY FOREVER."
IT'D MAKE THE GAME MORE ENJOYABLE
IF PEOPLE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO RETIRE.
ATHLETES DON'T WANNA QUIT EITHER.
SEE SOME 70-YEAR-OLD RETURN A PUNT,
LIKE, "OH..."
HE GETS HIT, HE EXPLODES,
HE DIES ON THE FIELD WITH SOME HONOR.
YEAH.
AND SPORTS NEEDS STEROIDS.
IT DOES. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
OH, BASEBALL, CERTAINLY.
BASEBALL'S A STRIKE AWAY FROM BEING SOCCER.
YEAH.
AND IF YOU LIKE SOCCER, WELL, WELCOME TO AMERICA.
SEE, OUR COUNTRY ALREADY HAS ENTERTAINMENT,
SO WATCHING PEOPLE CHASE A BALL FOR FOUR HOURS
TO END ZERO-ZERO IS NOT ENJOYABLE
UNLESS, OF COURSE, THE BLEACHERS COLLAPSE
AND HALF OF EUROPE DIES.
[cheers and applause]
BASEBALL.
NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH A PITCHING BATTLE EITHER.
LET'S HIT THE BALL DEEP.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR RECORDS EITHER.
FOR EVERY SUPERSTAR THAT HAS DONE STEROIDS,
A BILLION DOUBLE "A" BOYS HAVE JUICED UP,
SO THE PLAYING FIELD IS PLENTY EVEN.
WE'LL PUT AN ASTERISK NEXT TO BARRY BONDS' NAME,
SURE,
AS SOON AS WE PUT ONE NEXT TO BABE RUTH'S NAME.
GETTING TO BREAK RECORDS BEFORE BLACK PEOPLE
WERE ALLOWED TO PLAY?
EXCUSE ME?
WHERE IS THAT ASTERISK?
WHY DON'T PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THAT?
[cheers and applause]
OH.
I'D LOVE TO KNOW HOW MANY HOMERS
THE BABE WOULD HAVE HIT
HAD C.C. BEEN THROWING HIM 92-MILE-AN-HOUR SLIDERS.
YEAH.
MAYBE THE FAT BOY WOULD HAVE PUT THE CIGAR DOWN
AND QUIT POINTING HAD JOSE BEEN ALLOWED TO SWIM
90 MILES TO THROW HIM A JUNK BALL.
DON'T WORRY IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW.
90 MILES IS THE DISTANCE FROM KEY WEST TO CUBA,
JOSE'S A STEREOTYPICAL NAME FOR A LATINO BALL PLAYER,
AND A JUNK BALL'S AN IMPOSSIBLE PITCH
TO HIT YARD ANYPLACE EXCEPT FOR THE NEW YANKEE STADIUM,
WHICH IS A JOKE.
THE POINT...
IS THE RECORD BOOKS MIGHT LOOK A LITTLE DIFFERENT
HAD OUR COUNTRY NOT BEEN FOUNDED BY RACISTS.
THAT'S ALL.
AND I LOVE THAT IN 2010,
YOU'RE STILL NOT ALLOWED TO [bleep] ON THE FOUNDING FATHERS.
WHY NOT? SCREW THEM.
THEY WERE A BUNCH OF RACIST [bleep] PIGS
WITH A HANDFUL OF GOOD IDEAS.
I JUST HOPE WHEN THEY WERE
SIGNING THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE,
THEY SHOT EACH OTHER A GLANCE.
"ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.
"YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.
[laughs sarcastically]